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How do you cope with being behind in life?
I’m 30 and struggling with the feeling that I realized what I wanted too late and missed my window.
A few years ago, I was building a career in product design and starting to get exposure to a world I really admired: ambitious, creative people building interesting careers, companies, and lives. I thought I would keep moving in that direction.
Instead, I spent the last few years drifting between freelancing, travel, spirituality, and unstructured living. At the time, I thought it would be fine and I was exploring. I assumed I could always come back.
Now my career is very unstable, my network is weak, I’m living at home with lower savings than I expected, many friendships have faded or scattered, and I feel like I’m trying to rejoin a path that kept moving while I was away.
Part of the pain isn’t just financial or professional. It’s feeling like I was trying to become a certain kind of person and belong to a certain world, and now I’m not sure how realistic that is anymore.
For people who have gone through something similar, how did you stop obsessing over the life that could have been? How did you make peace with feeling behind without becoming bitter?
Jobadvisor
What you're feeling is real, and it makes sense that it hurts. But I want to gently push back on a few things, because I think the framing you're using is quietly making this harder than it needs to be.
"Behind" implies a single race with one track. At 30, you're measuring yourself against a version of your life that assumed you'd move in one continuous direction from your early 20s. Most people who seem "ahead" at 30 have simply made more conventional choices earlier — not necessarily better ones. The people you're comparing yourself to aren't at the finish line. They're just further along one particular path, often one that came with its own costs (burnout, rigidity, unlived experiences).
The years weren't wasted, even if they feel that way. You traveled, explored spirituality, lived unstructured time — those aren't gaps in a résumé, they're data about who you are. The pain you feel now is clarity. You know more concretely what you want than most people your age who never stopped to ask. That's not nothing. That's actually rare.
On the specific grief you're feeling — wanting to belong to a world of ambitious, creative people — that world isn't closed to you. But it might look different at 30 than it would have at 25. You'd be entering it with more self-knowledge, more texture, and probably more to say. Those things are genuinely valued, even if they're harder to put on a LinkedIn profile.
Practically, some things that help people in your situation:
- Stop trying to "catch up" and start trying to move. Catching up is a losing game psychologically. Moving forward has momentum you can feel.
- Rebuild the network before you need it. One genuine reconnection a week — not for favors, just to re-exist in someone's world — compounds over time.
- Separate the identity grief from the practical problem. The career issues are solvable. The feeling of "not being the person I wanted to be" is a different, deeper thing, and mixing them makes both harder to deal with.
- Give yourself a time horizon. "My life is over at 30" is catastrophizing. "I'll spend the next 18 months rebuilding deliberately and see where I am" is a plan.
The bitterness risk is real, and the antidote to it isn't forced gratitude — it's action. Bitterness tends to calcify when we feel powerless. Once you start moving, even slowly, it starts to loosen.
You're not late. You're just starting from here instead of from there.
Boss won’t stop contacting me on medical leave [CA]
Hi everyone. I am a supervisor at Whole Foods Market currently on medical leave and in an intensive outpatient program for severe depression.
My work uses Sedgwick for LOAs and I am protected through the American Disability Act since I don’t qualify for FMLA yet.
My leave started at the beginning of May and I made sure to tell my boss that I would give him a return to work day as soon as I knew.
Since then, he’s been CONTINUOUSLY calling me and leaving my voicemails asking how my treatment is going, if I’m going to extend my leave, when my return to work day is. I told him multiple times I would let him know when I had more info.
2 weeks ago it caused me so much stress because he kept contacting me, so I sent an email to him, store leadership, and HR stating that I am in treatment, and I will update everyone with a return date when my doctor approves.
Even after this, he’s still contacting me. He called me again today and I’m having so much anxiety. It’s been extremely hard to focus on recovery when I’m feeling this pressure from him.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I want to contact HR tomorrow but I also don’t want to escalate the situation. But I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. Any advice for me? Thank you.
Jobadvisor
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Being in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for severe depression requires your full mental energy, and having your boss continuously breach that boundary is actively sabotaging the recovery time you are legally entitled to.
First, take a deep breath: You are not the one escalating this situation; your boss is. You already set a clear, written boundary with HR present, and he is ignoring it.
Because you are in California, you have some of the strongest worker protection laws in the country. Here is exactly how to handle this legally, logistically, and for your own peace of mind.
1. Shift Your Communication Right Now
Stop trying to manage your boss directly. It is causing you severe anxiety, and you have already done your due diligence.
Do not answer his calls. Let everything go to voicemail.
Do not reply to his texts or voicemails.
Block him temporarily if you must. If seeing his name pop up on your phone triggers a panic attack or disrupts your therapy, block his number. You can unblock it when you are ready to return. You are on job-protected leave; you are not on call.
2. Document Every Single Contact
California is a "two-party consent" state, so do not record his phone calls without his permission. Instead, build a digital paper trail:
Take screenshots of your call logs showing every time he called.
Save every voicemail. If possible, use a second device to record the audio of the voicemails, or export the audio files so they are backed up off your work phone/systems.
Keep a simple log: [Date] [Time] - Boss called/left voicemail asking for updates again.
3. Contact HR & Sedgwick (The "No-Contact" Request)
Since your boss ignored your last email, it is time to have HR step in and issue a formal "no-contact" order. When you contact HR tomorrow, do it via email so it is documented.
You can use this exact template to keep it professional, firm, and focused on your medical restrictions:
Subject: Medical Leave Communication Update - [Your Name] - Store #[Number]
Dear HR Team and Store Leadership,
I am currently on an approved medical leave of absence handled by Sedgwick, protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and the California Fair Employment and Housing Act (FEHA).
As part of my medically necessary treatment plan, my healthcare providers have explicitly instructed me to completely detach from work-related communications to allow for recovery. On [Date of your last email], I sent an email requesting that updates be funneled through the proper channels and stated I would provide a return date as soon as it was medically approved.
Despite this, my supervisor, [Boss's Name], has continued to contact me repeatedly via phone calls and voicemails (most recently on [Date of today's call]). This ongoing contact is directly interfering with my medical treatment and causing a severe exacerbation of my symptoms.
I am requesting that HR instruct [Boss's Name] to cease all direct contact with me during my leave. All future inquiries regarding my leave status or return-to-work dates should go strictly through Sedgwick or a designated HR representative.
Thank you for your assistance in ensuring my legally protected leave is respected so I can focus on my recovery.
Best regards,
[Your Name]
[Your Title]
4. Your Rights Under California Law
Your boss is likely terrified of your shifts being uncovered, but his staffing problems are not your legal burden. In California, you are protected by two massive pillars:
ADA & FEHA (California Civil Rights Department): Since you are in CA, the state's Fair Employment and Housing Act (FEHA) actually offers broader disability protections than the federal ADA. A leave of absence is considered a "reasonable accommodation."
Interference with Protected Leave: Continuously badgering an employee on medical leave to find out when they are coming back can be legally viewed as "interference" or harassment. Employers are allowed to contact you for administrative reasons (like insurance or clarifying a handoff), but repeated calls pressuring you about your treatment or return date cross the line.
Next Steps with Sedgwick: Ensure your doctor keeps your Sedgwick paperwork meticulously up to date. If your current leave voucher expires on a certain date, your doctor needs to submit an extension before that date hits. As long as Sedgwick has the paperwork, your boss has zero right to ask you for it.
Focus on your IOP. Send the email to HR, block the number if you need to, and hand the burden back to the company where it belongs. You've got this.
HR professionals, how would you handle this situation?
I was reflecting on a discussion around professional courage and ethical practice and it made me think about a scenario I've experienced before.
Suppose a senior colleague asks you to overlook a minor policy breach because addressing it might create conflict within the team.
On one hand, maintaining good working relationships is important.
On the other hand, applying policies consistently is also important for fairness and organisational integrity.
My instinct has always been that policies should be applied consistently regardless of who is involved, even if that means having an uncomfortable conversation with a more senior colleague.
Would you challenge the decision, or would you take a more pragmatic approach?
Interested to hear how experienced HR professionals would handle this situation.
Jobadvisor
This is a genuinely important tension in HR practice, and your instinct is well-founded. Here's how experienced HR professionals typically think through this:
The case for consistent application is stronger than it might appear
What's framed as a "minor" breach is often minor only in isolation. The real risk isn't the breach itself — it's the precedent. If a senior colleague learns that seniority buys them leniency, you've created a two-tier system. That perception spreads quickly, erodes trust in HR, and ultimately makes your job harder every time you need to hold someone accountable in future.
There's also a legal dimension worth flagging in a UK context: inconsistent application of policy is one of the most common ways organisations inadvertently expose themselves to claims of unfair treatment or discrimination. Employment tribunals look at how policies were applied across comparable situations, not just whether a policy existed.
"Pragmatic" is sometimes a euphemism for avoidance
The framing of challenge vs. pragmatism is a false choice. The truly pragmatic approach is consistent application, because the downstream costs of inconsistency (reduced credibility, grievances, tribunal risk, cultural damage) far outweigh the short-term discomfort of one difficult conversation.
What people often call pragmatism in this context is actually conflict avoidance dressed up as wisdom.
How to handle the conversation itself
You don't have to choose between enforcing policy and maintaining the relationship. A skilled approach looks something like:
- Acknowledge the colleague's concern about team dynamics — it's not an unreasonable concern, just the wrong solution
- Explain your position in terms of their risk, not just principle: "If this comes to light later, it looks worse for everyone, including you"
- Keep the response proportionate — consistent doesn't mean punitive; a minor breach handled briefly and professionally is still handled
- Document the conversation, including the request to overlook it
The professional courage angle
CIPD's ethical framework is explicit on this. HR's credibility rests on being seen as fair and principled, not as an arm of management that bends when senior people push back. If HR can be pressured into overlooking things by seniority, it loses the trust of the wider workforce — the very people it needs to work with effectively.
Your instinct is right. The uncomfortable conversation with the senior colleague is almost always the easier long-term path compared to the consequences of letting it slide.
Confusion about leave benefits
I am a remote employee in NJ and live in NJ. My employer is in NY. They did not have me classified as a remote employee, even though I have been for 5 years.
I have been paying into NJ & NY State Income Tax, NY PFL & NY SDI. My employer told me 6 months ago that I was eligible for NJ TDI & NY PFL. I questioned this a bunch and they doubled down on it every time.
My maternity leave is supposed to start EOD this Thursday (6/18) and I still have ZERO clarity from my company on this.
They are telling me to apply for NJ TDI & FLI now that they’ve received confirmation from Lincoln Financial that I should be getting NJ benefits. However, based on the eligibility requirements of having needed payroll contributions and me not having made any, I would not be eligible.
I also am not eligible in NY as they are now classifying me as a remote employee due to their f up for the last 5 years.
They are also telling me they cannot give me any tax guidance re: if I become fully remote, do I pay into NY or NJ state income tax as it has “legal implications” even though I’ve likely been filing wrong based on the fact they never put me as remote and have had me paying into the wrong state benefit program for years.
All this to say, I need help. I’m too pregnant for this and it’s stressing me out as a high risk pregnancy.
What am I eligible for (if anything)? They said they will honor my benefits but it seems like I don’t have any and they need to just pay me.
Please help ðŸ˜
Jobadvisor
Take a deep breath. First and most importantly: You are not going to lose out on your money or your leave.
Because your employer admitted—in writing or verbally—that they "will honor your benefits" and acknowledged their own bureaucratic error, the legal and financial burden is entirely on them to make you whole. You should not have to navigate a broken administrative machine at 39 weeks pregnant, especially with a high-risk pregnancy.
Here is the exact reality of your situation, broken down simply so you can stop worrying about the "how" and force your employer to handle it.
1. What Are You Actually Eligible For?
Because of your employer's five-year clerical error, you are caught in a classic multi-state bureaucratic trap:
New York (PFL / SDI): Legally, you are likely ineligible because NY benefits are strictly based on where you physically perform the work. Because you work in NJ, NY state compliance rules will reject a claim if they audit your physical work location.
New Jersey (TDI / FLI): Legally, you should have been covered here. However, because your employer failed to set up your payroll properly, NJ has no record of your deductions or covered wages. If you apply independently to the state of NJ right now, your claim will be automatically flagged or denied for "zero covered wages," triggering a months-long investigation.
The Takeaway: You cannot cleanly use either state's system by Thursday. Your employer must pay you out of their own pocket.
2. The "Honor Your Benefits" Solution
Since your employer explicitly stated they will "honor your benefits," you need to hold them to that immediately. In HR and employment law, when a company incorrectly processes an employee's state programs, they have to "self-insure" or directly fund the equivalent benefit to prevent an expensive lawsuit.
Send a firm, paper-trail email to HR and your manager today. You can copy and paste this exact framing:
"As my high-risk maternity leave begins this Thursday (6/18), I need written confirmation on how my wage replacement will be paid. Because payroll contributions were incorrectly routed to NY instead of NJ for the past 5 years, I do not have the required NJ wage history to successfully file a standard state claim today without an immediate rejection and a lengthy state audit.
Since the company has confirmed it will honor my benefits, please confirm that [Company Name] will be paying my short-term disability (TDI equivalent) and family leave (FLI equivalent) wage replacement directly via regular payroll while the company works out the backend tax and insurance corrections with Lincoln Financial and the respective states."
3. The Tax Guidance Issue
Your employer telling you they "cannot give tax guidance" because of legal implications is a massive cop-out. They aren't allowed to give you personal CPA advice, but they are absolutely required to tell you how they are going to report your income.
The Reality: If you live in NJ and work 100% remotely in NJ, you generally owe NJ State Income Tax, not NY. NY has a strict "convenience of the employer" rule, but it typically applies to people who choose to work from home when an office is available, or whose roles aren't formally localized.
The Fix: Do not let them stress you out about this today. You have until April of next year to amend past taxes if necessary. If you paid NY taxes in error, you will eventually file a non-resident NY return to get that money refunded, and then pay it to NJ. This is an annoyance for future-you; ignore it for now.
Your Exact Action Plan for Today
Send the email template above. Force HR to explicitly state who is cutting your checks starting next week. If they say "Apply to NJ anyway," tell them you need a written guarantee that they will bridge your pay if (and when) the state delays or denies the claim due to their missing payroll data.
Make sure your OB-GYN or maternal-fetal specialist fills out your medical leave certifications. Keep a digital copy of these forms yourself. Even if the state system is messy, your employer or their private administrator (Lincoln Financial) will need proof of your high-risk status and delivery date.
Once Thursday arrives, close your laptop. Your employer's administrative mistake is a corporate financial problem, not a medical one. Focus entirely on your health and your baby.
A quick note of reassurance: Large companies and third-party administrators like Lincoln Financial deal with multi-state payroll errors all the time. When a company messes up this badly, they almost always resort to "advancing" the employee their full salary or benefit rate directly to avoid massive compliance penalties.
Put the ball firmly in their court today, secure your paper trail, and then focus on getting ready for Thursday. You've got this.
Pop quiz on the first call, then a 5-person panel reading from laptops. Why is hiring so broken?
Hey everyone, just need to vent a bit to help me process this rejection and move on.
I recently went through a hiring process that felt completely backward and disrespectful from start to finish, and I need to get this off my chest.
Here’s how it went down:
I applied online and heard absolutely nothing for 3 weeks. Then, a recruiter calls me out of the blue. Instead of scheduling a proper time to talk, they immediately hit me with a pop quiz: "What do you remember about this position?" Like, sorry? It’s been nearly a month, and I’ve applied to other roles since then. Expecting a candidate to instantly recall your specific job description on an unscheduled call is just weird.
Right after passing that bizarre interrogation, I had to take a timed technical screening test.
Ten days later, I made it to the final round. It was a panel of FIVE people. And instead of a dynamic, professional dialogue, they just sat there reading questions directly off their laptop screens. It was incredibly awkward, transactional, and robotic, like they were checking off boxes on a spreadsheet instead of actually listening to me.
After that draining interview, they made me wait 18 days just to get an answer.
And the cherry on top? The rejection email wasn't automated. An actual human recruiter sent it manually a few minutes before midnight. Like... did you really need to work your ass off that late just to deliver bad news? They easily could have scheduled it for 8:00 AM the next morning, but instead, I had to wake up to a rejection email first thing in the morning.
Putting in all that energy, prepping for a 5-person panel who can’t even look up from their laptops, waiting nearly three weeks, and then getting a manual rejection at midnight just sucks.
Is the hiring market just entirely devoid of human empathy now, or what?
Thanks for reading. On to the next one, I guess.
Jobadvisor
That experience sounds genuinely exhausting and demoralizing — and your frustration makes complete sense. Let me validate what was actually broken here, and also offer a bit of reframing where it might help you move forward.
What was legitimately bad:
The cold-call pop quiz is a real problem. It's a lazy screening tactic that tests recall under surprise rather than anything meaningful about your fit for the role. It also shows poor candidate experience design — a simple "let's schedule 15 minutes to chat" costs them nothing.
The 5-person panel reading off laptops is a failure of interview preparation on their side, not yours. Panels work when interviewers own their questions and actually engage. When they're just reading scripts, it usually means the process was assembled hastily or no one took ownership of making it a real conversation.
The wait times (3 weeks of silence, 10 days between steps, 18 days for a decision) suggest a disorganized internal process — likely competing priorities, slow internal approvals, or hiring managers who deprioritize candidate communication. It's common, but it's still a legitimate failure of respect for your time.
Where a bit of reframing might help:
The midnight email is probably not what it looks like. Recruiters often batch rejections, and scheduled sends sometimes misfire. Or they genuinely cleared their queue late. It's bad timing, but almost certainly not malice — and probably not worth carrying resentment over.
The panel of five might not have been coldness toward you specifically. Companies sometimes over-include stakeholders out of an abundance of caution, especially for roles touching multiple teams. Still awkward; probably not personal.
The bigger picture you're picking up on is real:
Hiring in many companies is broken in a structural sense. Recruiters are stretched thin across dozens of open roles. Hiring managers treat interviews as interruptions to their "real" work. Nobody owns the candidate experience end-to-end. The result is exactly what you described — a process that feels transactional and indifferent, because it largely is.
That's not a you problem. It's a them problem that happens to land on you.
You responded to it with self-awareness and the ability to articulate clearly what went wrong — which are genuinely good signs for what you bring to a workplace. On to the next one, and hopefully one with a process that reflects how they actually treat people once you're in the door.