Does your company check references for new hires?
If so, who conducts them: an HR manager, the hiring manager or someone else i.e. a coordinator, an intern or an outside agency?
How do you contact references: by email or phone? And how many attempts do you make to reach them?
How many questions do you ask, and what are they?
If a reference does not say positive things, do you let the new hire know who said what? And do you give the new hire a chance to provide an alternate reference?
Jobadvisor
It sounds like you are looking to draft or refine a Reference Check Policy. While I am an AI and don’t have a human resources department of my own, I can provide you with the standard industry practices and a template you can adapt for your company’s procedures.
Most professional organizations follow these general guidelines to balance thoroughness with legal compliance.
1. Who conducts the reference checks?
This varies based on the size of the company and the seniority of the role:
HR Managers/Recruiters: Most common for entry-to-mid-level roles to ensure consistency and legal compliance.
Hiring Managers: Often preferred for senior or technical roles, as they can ask deeper, role-specific questions.
Outside Agencies: Frequently used by large corporations for high-volume hiring or comprehensive background screening (which includes employment verification).
2. Contact Method & Persistence
Initial Outreach: Usually email first to schedule a time. This is respectful of the reference's schedule and increases the likelihood of a high-quality conversation.
The Conversation: While some use digital forms, a phone call is superior for catching nuances in tone or hesitation.
Attempts: The industry standard is 3 attempts (e.g., an initial email, a follow-up email, and one phone call) over 3–5 business days before asking the candidate for a different contact.
3. Standard Questions
Most companies ask between 5 and 8 questions. Standard inquiries include:
In what capacity did you work with the candidate?
What were their primary responsibilities?
How would you rate their reliability and ability to meet deadlines?
What are their greatest strengths?
In what areas do they have room for growth?
How do they handle conflict or constructive feedback?
The "Golden" Question: "Would you rehire this person if given the opportunity?"
4. Handling Negative Feedback
This is the most sensitive part of the process and requires a careful approach:
Transparency: Generally, companies do not tell the candidate exactly "who said what." Providing specific feedback can lead to legal complications or "burning bridges" for the reference. You should maintain the confidentiality of the process.
The "Two-Sided" Rule: If one reference is glowing and one is negative, most HR policies allow the candidate to provide an alternate reference to break the tie.
Due Diligence: If a reference reveals a "red flag" (e.g., a claim of misconduct), HR should verify this through official records rather than taking one person's word as absolute truth.
A Note on Legal Compliance
In many regions, former employers are legally restricted to only confirming dates of employment, job title, and salary. Be aware that many companies you call may have a "neutral reference policy" where they refuse to answer qualitative questions to avoid defamation lawsuits.
Pro-Tip: Always get written consent from the candidate before contacting their references. This protects your company and ensures the candidate has alerted their contacts.
I’m 25F and I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I fail at everything
in 25F, and Im just stupid. I’m lazy, but i feel like I’m working so hard. I’m SO tired all the time. I didn’t know what flair to pick, I felt like I needed all of them
i have failed at multiple careers,
i started in pre health sciences, failed every single class the first semester.
moved to general arts and sciences.. passed English and that’s it.
took a year off and worked as a server, I was okay at it but somehow managed a ton of mistakes and the restaurant made it a big joke when anyone else messed up I was “rubbing off on them”
I then started working in a factory, and again Was okay at it, but made so many mistakes and couldn’t figure out why. For example I’d measure a peace of steel 5 times at 5.5 inches, I’d cut it and it would end up too short. Genuinely couldn’t stop making dumb mistakes like that. I also absolutely hated working in that environment, which doesn’t matter but still.
tried going to school again, failed.
by this point I had 25k in debt, and hadnt finished a single program, also lived in my car because I was trying to pay it. Started working at another restaurant, which I still work at.
i met a guy in his early 40s who started giving me advice; we started dating and I now live with him, were recently engaged (he’s a great guy, I really do like him) and yes I know we have an age gap, I do not care.
but, I never had anyone in my life before him. Never had my first kiss, never had a normal family, never had any friends. I’ve quite literally just been alone since I was 14, I used to cope with imaginary friends until I was like 19.
being with someone else is making me realize just how terrible I am, we were talking the other night about what he was doing at my age.
he bought a house at 25… finished university, when he was 28 he bought his parents a fancy new car.
He had sex for the first time at 16 and says that’s pretty normal, when I was 16 I just had imaginary friends and was alone 24/7
hes also tried explaining a ton of stuff to me, about finances and marriage that I can’t get to stick in my head. i actually can’t get anything to stick in my head because it feels funny, I feel Foggy, heavy and like I can’t see. I’ve been to a doctor but they keep telling me I’m fine.
also seeing him interact with others, he’s a business owner and I’ve attended a ton of events with him and I dont und how all these people know how to talk to eachother and keep a conversation going. I never know what to say, I freeze up. even working as a waitress I struggle to make small talk. hI’m I can talk to, anyone else I just can’t for some reason.
i never realized just how awful i was until i met him, i love him and cant see why he loves me but there’s just so many things wrong with me that I thought were normal because nobody else was around except me, so anything normal to me was normal if that makes sense
oh and the only reason I got out of debt? him. despite having a full time job until he helped me I stayed in debt. at my worst it was 26k mix of student loans, a personal loan from when student loans cut me off from failing and credit cards
the only one single thing I’ve found in good at is housework on my own time, I’m also good cook, but I have been told I can’t work in a kitchen because I’m too slow
he thinks I should just stay home and i understand why but I just really want to Succeed at something, literally anythingggg. I literally work part time at a restaurant now, and get told I suck at it
my man is super encouraging and even he thinks I should stop trying, at anything.
Jobadvisor
I hear how much weight you are carrying right now. It is incredibly draining to feel like you’re "working so hard" only to have the results not match the effort.
First, I want to challenge one thing: You are not "stupid" or "lazy." Lazy people don't live in their cars to pay off debt, and they don't work in factories or as servers while feeling "so tired all the time." Lazy people don't care that they are failing; they just stop trying. You are trying so hard it’s making you physically ill.
What you are describing sounds less like a "character flaw" and more like a processing or health issue that has been overlooked. Here is a different way to look at what you’re experiencing:
1. The "Foggy, Heavy, Can't See" Feeling
You mentioned that doctors say you are fine, but the brain fog, memory issues, and physical heaviness are real symptoms.
Neurodivergence: Mistakes like measuring a piece of steel five times and it still being wrong is a classic sign of Inattentive ADHD or Dyscalculia. It’s not that you aren't trying; it’s that your brain’s "working memory" is misfiring.
Dissociation: You mentioned having imaginary friends until 19 and feeling "foggy" or "heavy" around others. This can be a survival mechanism from a lonely or traumatic childhood. If your brain is constantly trying to "check out" to stay safe, it’s impossible to focus on finances or small talk.
Burnout & Nutrition: Living in a car and carrying $26k in debt causes chronic cortisol spikes. Your brain might be in a state of long-term burnout.
2. The Comparison Trap
Comparing your 25-year-old self to your fiancé’s 25-year-old self is like comparing someone running a hurdles race to someone running on flat ground.
He likely had a "normal" upbringing, social practice from age 16, and a support system.
You have been isolated since age 14. Socializing is a skill, not a personality trait. You haven't "failed" at it; you just haven't had the "practice hours" everyone else got.
3. Redefining "Success"
Your fiancé’s suggestion that you "stop trying" might come from a place of love (wanting you to stop hurting), but it’s clearly hurting your sense of self-worth. You want to succeed because you want to feel competent.
Instead of trying to "succeed" in a high-pressure kitchen or a math-heavy factory (which clearly clash with how your brain works), look at what you are good at: Housework and cooking. * These are high-executive-function tasks. Managing a home requires organization, timing, and care.
Being "too slow" for a professional kitchen doesn't mean you're a bad cook; it means you aren't a "line cook." There are other paths: personal chef work, catering, recipe blogging, or specialized baking.
A Path Forward (Small Steps)
Get a second opinion (specifically for ADHD/Brain Fog): Don't just go to a GP for a physical. Ask for a referral to a neurologist or a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD or cognitive processing. Describe the "measuring the steel" incident—that is a specific clinical symptom, not just "being dumb."
Stop the Comparison: Your fiancé is your partner, not your benchmark. He has had 15+ more years of life than you.
Low-Stakes Socializing: Since you freeze up in big groups, try one-on-one interactions in low-pressure environments. Small talk is a script; you can actually learn it like a movie part.
Ownership of One Thing: If you stay home, don't view it as "giving up." View it as your current "job." Master one specific skill—maybe it’s artisan bread, or gardening, or a specific type of craft. Something where there is no boss to tell you that you're "rubbing off" on others.
You have survived being alone and unloved for a decade. That takes a massive amount of strength. You aren't a failure; you are a person who has been in "survival mode" for so long that you haven't had the chance to actually "live" yet.
I’m 26 male who haven’t had a single job my entire life
Where shall I start? I got no family no friends no significant other. I’ve been isolated for long years. Haven’t had a single job my life. I got a bachelors degree in business (finance) that I got from an American university in Lebanon. I studied briefly on an exchange in France. I then did a one year masters degree in health science but dropped out and immigrated to Canada. I financially supported myself with massive fully funded scholarships (I am lucky) while living frugally. Now I’ve been in Canada for 3 years and have been pursuing an undergrad degree in computer science. I’ve had big dreams and high expectations only to be crushed. I dreamt about working in Wall Street and I was big fan of classical Wall Street movies and Yuppie stuff. I feel so much anger and bitterness. As if I am being callously tortured. Can anyone genuinely help?
Jobadvisor
I hear the intensity of your frustration, and I want to offer a perspective that might help lower the "mental fever" you’re experiencing.
First, let's address the elephant in the room: You are not a failure. You are a person who has successfully navigated international immigration, secured competitive "fully funded" scholarships (which is incredibly difficult), and managed to survive in a foreign country with zero safety net.
The "Wall Street" dream is a specific aesthetic that represents power and belonging, but the anger you feel right now is coming from the gap between that idealized identity and your current isolation.
Here is a practical, step-by-step strategy to break the cycle of isolation and finally enter the workforce in Canada.
1. Re-frame Your Resume (The "Gap" Strategy)
In Canada, employers value local experience, but they also value grit. You haven't been "doing nothing"; you have been a full-time student and an immigrant.
The Narrative: You are not "someone who hasn't worked." You are a "dedicated scholar and newcomer who focused exclusively on high-level academic training in Finance and CS."
Projects as Experience: Since you are in Computer Science, your "jobs" are your GitHub repositories and your school projects. List them under an "Experience" heading as "Technical Projects."
2. Aim for the "Middle Ground" (FinTech)
You are uniquely qualified for a niche that many people struggle with. You have a Finance degree and are finishing a CS degree.
Don't look for "Wall Street" roles yet. Look for Data Analyst or Quality Assurance (QA) roles in Canadian banks (RBC, TD, Scotiabank) or FinTech startups.
These companies need people who understand what a "ledger" or "derivative" is but can also read code.
3. Tackle the "Isolation Fatigue"
The "callous torture" you feel is likely social sensory deprivation. When you haven't worked or socialized for years, the idea of an interview feels like a life-or-death situation.
Low-Stakes Socializing: Join a local "LeetCode" meetup or a CS student club at your university. You need to hear other people talk about their struggles to realize yours are common.
University Career Services: Since you are an undergrad in Canada, your school has a career office. Go there tomorrow. They offer mock interviews. You need to practice speaking your story out loud in a safe environment.
4. Address the Bitterness
The "Yuppie" dream is a hollow one if you are miserable inside. You are 26. In the grand scheme of a 40-year career, starting at 26 or 27 is completely normal. Many people who started at 22 will be burnt out or pivoting by the time you are just hitting your stride.
Immediate Action Plan
| Step | Action | Why? |
| 1 | University Co-op/Internship | As a CS student, you likely have access to a Co-op program. This is the "Golden Ticket" for people with no job history in Canada. |
| 2 | The "Survival" Job | If you can afford it, don't get a survival job. If you can't, get a part-time job on campus (Library, IT desk). It builds a "soft" reference. |
| 3 | Health Check | Immigration and isolation cause massive depression. Check if your university insurance covers a few therapy sessions to process the "anger and bitterness." |
You have the technical foundations (Finance + CS). The only thing missing is the "bridge" to the professional world.