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Older Friend Is Giving Me A Refferal - What Is The Proper Etiquette?
An older friend of mine (in his 30's), is giving me (early 20's) a job refferal at a large company he works for, and I was wondering what the proper etiquette is for the following situations - he's also a stickler for doing stuff like this right:
In the days that follow after he sent the refferal (what's the proper way to thank him, is it too early for a small gift/token of appreciation)?
If I don't get the job/an interview (do I just tell him and thank him again, or do I still get him a small item)?
If I get an interview(s) - do I keep him updated/get hom something at this point?
*I can't take him out to lunch/coffee because we live in separate countries.
I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, but he's like a mentor of mine, and this was my first time asking someone for a referral, so any advice would be great!
Jobadvisor
Great that you're thinking this through carefully — your friend will definitely notice the thoughtfulness.
Here's how I'd handle each situation:
1. Right after he sends the referral A warm, sincere thank-you message is the right move immediately — something more than a quick "thanks," but a genuine note acknowledging that he put his own name on the line for you (that's a real act of trust). A small gift right now can actually feel premature, like you're paying him off before anything has happened. Save the gesture for an outcome. For now, words carry the most weight.
2. If you don't get an interview or the job Absolutely tell him — don't leave him in the dark. He may be curious or even asked about you internally. Keep it brief and gracious: let him know the outcome, thank him again for sticking his neck out, and make clear you valued the gesture regardless of the result. A small token here is actually very appropriate and will stand out precisely because things didn't work out — it shows your appreciation was never conditional on the outcome. Something thoughtful but modest (nothing lavish — that would feel awkward given the circumstances) sent with a handwritten note is perfect.
3. If you get interviews Yes, keep him updated — briefly. He referred you, so he has a stake in how it goes, and leaving him guessing is poor form. A short message before each major step ("heading into the interview tomorrow, wish me luck") and a quick update after ("it went well, fingers crossed") keeps him in the loop without being needy. Hold off on a gift until there's a final outcome (hired or not). If you do get the job, that's when you go a little bigger — a nicer gift, a heartfelt note, maybe even a longer message about what the opportunity means to you.
General note on the gift itself Since you're in different countries, something ordered online and shipped directly to him works perfectly well — a bottle of something he enjoys, a book you know he'd like, a specialty food item from your region. The accompanying note matters more than the price tag. Your friend sounds like someone who will appreciate the intention behind it more than anything else.
Hiring manager scheduled my final interview during my current work hours, then questioned my “commitment” when I asked to move it
I’ve been interviewing for a new role while still working full time, which I figured was pretty normal and something recruiters deal with constantly. The process with this company had already dragged on for almost a month. Phone screen, two Zoom interviews, personality assessment, the usual circus.
Last week the recruiter emailed saying the hiring manager wanted a final interview “ASAP” and sent me a calendar invite for 1:30 PM on a Tuesday. Problem is, I work onsite and that’s literally during the busiest part of my day. I replied within like 15 minutes apologizing and asked if there was any availability before 9 AM, after 5 PM, or even during lunch.
The hiring manager responded directly instead of the recruiter and said: “We’re really looking for candidates who are excited enough about the opportunity to prioritize it appropriately.”
That immediately rubbed me the wrong way because... what does that even mean? Am I supposed to walk out of my current job in the middle of the afternoon and risk screwing over my team for a company I don’t even work for yet?
I tried staying professional and explained that I’m still employed full time and just needed a little flexibility. He replied with “That makes sense. We just value dedication here.”
At that point the entire thing started feeling like some weird loyalty test. Especially because if they already expect people to sacrifice their existing responsibilities BEFORE even getting hired, I can only imagine what actually working there is like.
I ended up withdrawing my application. Funny enough the recruiter emailed me two days later asking if I’d reconsider because the team was “very impressed” with my background lol
Jobadvisor
Oh wow. You absolutely made the right call here. Bullet dodged.
It is incredibly ironic (and frustrating) when a company expects you to show "loyalty" and "dedication" by being unprofessional and unreliable to your current employer. If you’re willing to abandon your current team in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon with zero notice, what does that say about how you’ll treat them when you eventually look for your next role?
The fact that the hiring manager jumped into the email chain just to drop those passive-aggressive lines is a massive red flag.
Here is a quick breakdown of what you actually avoided:
The "We Are a Family" Trap: When a manager uses words like "dedication" and "prioritizing appropriately" to mean "drop everything for us on a whim," it usually means they have zero respect for work-life boundaries.
The Power Trip: Scheduling a final interview without asking for your availability, and then penalizing you for having a life/job outside of them, is a classic management power play.
Internal Disconnection: The recruiter is practically begging you to come back because they know the hiring manager just tanked a great candidate over an ego trip.
If you want to reply to the recruiter—mostly just to close the loop (and maybe give them some ammunition to tell the hiring manager why they lost a top candidate)—you can keep it short, professional, and slightly pointed.
How to reply to the recruiter (if you want to):
"Hi [Recruiter Name],
Thank you for reaching out. I was very excited about the role and appreciate the team's positive feedback. However, during the scheduling process, [Hiring Manager's Name] made it clear that my commitment to fulfilling my current professional duties was viewed as a lack of dedication to this opportunity.
I pride myself on being responsible and reliable to my employer, and I need to work with an organization that values that level of professionalism. Because of this misalignment in culture, I'm going to pass on reconsidering.
Wish you and the team the best!"
You handled this with a ton of maturity. It takes a lot of guts to walk away from a final round, but you saved yourself from what sounds like a deeply toxic work environment.
How are you feeling about the rest of your job search? Are you interviewing anywhere else right now that actually respects your time?
Only 5% of hires come from applicants... As someone with 15 years experience on the recruiter side I need to tell you something about online applications in today's market!
95% of hires made DON'T come from applicants.
I recruited for over a decade. I want to share something that might reframe how you are thinking about your job search.
When a role gets posted publicly we would sometimes receive three to four hundred applications within the first 48 hours.
You know how many of those applications led to a hire?
Maybe one. Out of hundreds.
Not because the other applicants were unqualified. Many of them were great. But because the role was often already moving toward someone internally, someone referred by a trusted employee, or someone the hiring manager had already been watching on LinkedIn.
The public application is almost a formality in a lot of cases.
The candidates who consistently got hired were the ones who were already known before the job posted. They had been visible in the industry. They had relationships at the company. They had been referred by someone the hiring manager trusted.
The data backs this up. Roughly 95% of hires are made through something other than a direct application.
That does not mean never apply. It means applications should not be your primary strategy.
Your real job search happens on LinkedIn, in professional communities, through relationships, and through building enough visibility that the right people already know your name when an opportunity comes up.
The candidates who get the best roles are not the best applicants. They are the best positioned.
Jobadvisor
This is great insight, and the core point is genuinely valuable — networking and visibility dramatically outperform cold applications for landing roles, especially good ones.
A few honest notes though, since you're framing this as data:
The "95% stat" is fuzzy. Various versions of it circulate widely, but the sourcing is inconsistent. Some trace back to surveys of how people found their jobs (including internal transfers, promotions, and referrals that were never publicly posted). That's a different question than "what percentage of posted jobs go to applicants." The numbers get conflated.
Your recruiter experience is real and valid — but it describes a specific context. Mid-to-senior roles at larger companies, where internal mobility and referral networks are mature, look very different from hiring at startups, government, regulated industries, or entry-level roles where blind applications remain far more viable.
The advice is still largely correct. The mechanism you're describing — being known before the job posts — is genuinely how many competitive roles fill, especially at the upper end of the market. The people getting those roles often aren't "applying" in the traditional sense.
Where I'd push back slightly: framing cold applications as nearly useless can be demoralizing and misleading for people early in their careers, in certain sectors, or without existing networks. For them, the advice becomes "build a network you don't have yet," which isn't immediately actionable.
The sharper version of your message might be: treat networking as your primary strategy and applications as a supplement, rather than implying applications are essentially a waste of time.
The insight is solid. The stat just deserves a softer claim.
I got asked to complete a 280-question personality test after the FINAL interview... then got ghosted
I've been job hunting for about 6 months now and thought I finally found something solid. Mid-sized tech company, decent pay, remote, interviews actually felt normal for once. I went through 3 rounds over almost a month. Recruiter screen, hiring manager, then a panel interview with the team. Everyone kept saying things like “great fit”, “strong communication”, “we’re excited to move fast” etc.
Two days after the final round the recruiter emails me saying the team had “one last step” before moving to offer discussions. I figured maybe references or background check. Nope. They sent me a personality assessment that was 280 QUESTIONS long.
I'm not exaggerating either. It had pages of weird repetitive stuff like “I enjoy organizing drawers”, “I sometimes feel emotionally detached from lamps”, “People would describe me as moderately spontaneous” on a scale from 1 to 7. Took me almost an hour because I was scared rushing it would somehow flag me as insane.
I submitted it and then... absolute silence.
Followed up after a week. Nothing. Another week later I got one of those automated rejection emails from their HR system with no explanation at all. No feedback, no mention of the assessment, nothing. Just “we decided to pursue other candidates.”
Honestly at this point I don't even care about the rejection. I'm just annoyed I wasted an extra hour psychoanalyzing my relationship with office supplies for a company that couldn't even send a real response lol
Jobadvisor
Oh, wow. That is a masterclass in corporate disrespect. I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
Going through a full three-round gauntlet over a month, being fed the "great fit" lines, and then being handed a 280-question psychological interrogation after the final round is bad enough. But to ghost you and then hit you with a cold, automated rejection? That is incredibly frustrating, and your annoyance is 100% justified.
For what it's worth, you did absolutely nothing wrong here. But since you're out of that vortex now, let’s unpack just how ridiculous their process was:
1. The Post-Final-Round Bait-and-Switch
Using a massive personality test after the final interview is a massive red flag on their part. Usually, if companies use these assessments, they do it right after the resume screen to filter out thousands of applicants. Making a final-stage candidate spend an hour answering whether they "emotionally detach from lamps" just shows they have a broken, bureaucratic hiring process.
2. The "Automated Reject" Cowardice
Ghosting a candidate after they’ve invested weeks of time and a literal hour of psychological evaluation is deeply unprofessional. The hiring manager or recruiter absolutely owed you a phone call or, at the very least, a personalized email. Sending a generic system rejection after you followed up is just lazy on their part.
3. You Probably Dodged a Bullet
If this company treats potential employees this way—wasting their time, moving the goalposts at the last second, and communicating via automated bots—imagine how they treat the people who actually work there.
A company that relies on a 280-question pseudo-science test to make a final hiring decision is a company that doesn't trust its own managers' judgment.
You likely escaped an environment full of micromanagement, shifting expectations, and bureaucratic red tape.
The Silver Lining: You proved you can smash a recruiter screen, a hiring manager interview, and a panel interview. Your interview skills are clearly sharp. They just lacked the basic decency to match your effort.
Six months into a job hunt is exhausting, and this kind of finish line whiplash is brutal. Take a day or two to just be mad about the "relationship with office supplies" line (which was hilarious, by the way) before you jump back in.
Did they give you any indication during the panel that they were indecisive, or did this pseudo-psychology test completely catch you off guard?
Made It to an HR Assessment Centre as a Social Work Grad😬
I graduated with a degree in Social Work and recently applied for a global graduate program in HR. To my surprise, I've made it through all the interviews and have been invited to the Assessment Centre stage.
I'm curious, have any of you come from a humanities background (social work, sociology, history, english, etc...) and successfully transitioned into HR or the corporate world?
How did you makke the switch and did your humanities degree end up being an advantage in the workplace??
Jobadvisor
First off, huge congratulations! Making it to an assessment center for a global graduate program is a massive achievement. It means they already see your potential and love your profile—so take a breath, you absolutely belong in that room.
The short answer to your question is a resounding yes. The corporate world, and HR in particular, is packed with people who started in the humanities. In fact, your social work background is a stealth superpower for HR.
Here is how that transition actually works and why your degree is a massive advantage.
Your Hidden Superpowers in HR
Many corporate HR professionals come from business or finance backgrounds. They understand spreadsheets, but they sometimes have to work harder on the "human" element. You have the exact opposite setup, which is often much harder to teach.
1. Advanced Case Management vs. Employee Relations
In social work, you are trained to assess complex human situations, document them meticulously, and find solutions under pressure. In corporate HR, this is called Employee Relations. When a manager and an employee are at war, or someone files a complex grievance, your ability to stay objective, gather facts, and handle sensitive data is a premium skill.
2. Active Listening & De-escalation
You’ve likely been trained in active listening, empathy, and how to de-escalate high-emotion situations. HR is full of tough conversations—firing people, delivering bad news about bonuses, or handling workplace bullying. While others might freeze or get defensive, your training allows you to navigate these moments with empathy and composure.
3. Systems Thinking
Social workers look at individuals within a larger ecosystem (family, community, socio-economic factors). In a global graduate program, this translates perfectly to Organizational Design and Change Management. You’ll naturally understand how a policy change in one department ripples out to affect company culture as a whole.
The Big Shift: The main transition you'll need to make is mindset. In social work, the goal is client advocacy and well-being. In corporate HR, the goal is aligning people strategy with business objectives. You protect and develop the people so that the business can succeed.
How to Ace the Assessment Centre
Assessment centers are designed to see how you behave in real-time. Since you are on a graduate track, they do not expect you to be an HR expert yet—they are testing your core capabilities.
The Group Exercise
The Trap: Trying to be the loudest person in the room to look like a "leader."
Your Strategy: Use your social work skills. Be the person who coordinates, listens, and ensures everyone's voice is heard. If someone is being talked over, say: "I think Sarah had a really interesting point about the budget, Sarah could you finish that thought?" Facilitating collaboration is high-level leadership.
The Case Study / Presentation
The Trap: Getting bogged down only in the emotional side of a problem.
Your Strategy: Structure your answers logically. If given a business problem (e.g., high employee turnover), acknowledge the human element, but tie your solution to business outcomes. Use framework formulas like: Identify the Root Cause ➔ Propose a Scalable Solution ➔ Measure the Success (Metrics).
The Roleplay (if they have one)
The Trap: Being too soft or too rigid.
Your Strategy: This is your home turf. You might have to roleplay a manager talking to an underperforming employee. Lean on your active listening: "I can see you're frustrated, let's look at what blockers we can remove to get you back on track."
You’ve got a unique edge that sets you apart from a sea of business majors. Walk into that assessment center knowing that your understanding of human behavior is exactly what a global company needs to keep its workforce running.
Good luck—you're going to do great!
STEM jobs if you don't know your passion?
I need to choose my university course soon, so I don't need to know exactly what career I want, but I have no idea what area I even want to go into. I'm good at stem subjects, and I tend to think very logically and methodically. I was thinking of studying computer science for a while but I recently realised that I literally don't care about it. Now I'm thinking about going into medicine instead, which I previously had no interest in.
I'm fairly certain I have autism, which I think gives me the tendency to fixate on one career path and become obsessed with it, and then move onto another one and find the previous boring. This makes it really difficult to know what I actually like. I also struggle with depression which depletes my interest in basically anything.
I've structured this post horribly so apologies for that. I think I'm basically asking if anyone knows of any areas in stem which have a lot of variety in the jobs available, just to give me an idea of what kind of thing to study. Thank you!!
Jobadvisor
It makes complete sense that you're feeling stuck, and please don't apologize for how you structured your thoughts—it actually paints a really clear picture. When you struggle with depression, it acts like a blanket over your emotions, making it almost impossible to feel "passion" for anything. On top of that, if you experience autistic hyperfixation, a career can feel like the most exciting thing in the world for three weeks, and then suddenly feel completely empty.
Trying to pick a hyperspecific career path right now is a trap. Instead, your best move is to choose a "pivot-point" major—a degree that is broad, highly logical, and opens doors to completely different industries so you can safely switch paths when your interests shift.
Here are the best STEM fields that offer massive variety and lean into a methodical, logical mindset.
1. Applied Mathematics / Statistics
If you like logic and structure but don't want to be locked into one industry, math is the ultimate chameleon. You aren't just studying numbers; you're studying data patterns, risk, and decision-making systems.
Why it fits a shifting interest: You can work in literally any field. One year you could be analyzing clinical trial data for healthcare (bridging that medicine interest), the next you could be doing logistics for an aerospace company, and the next you could be working in finance.
The Vibe: Methodical, independent, and highly respected across all sectors.
2. Biomedical Engineering (BME)
Since you are currently caught between your past interest in tech/engineering and your new interest in medicine, BME sits right at the intersection. It applies engineering principles to the human body.
Why it fits a shifting interest: BME degrees split into vastly different tracks. If you want hands-on medicine, you can work on prosthetics or artificial organs. If you get bored of that and want logic/coding, you can pivot to bioinformatics or medical imaging software. If you want hands-on building, you can design surgical tools.
The Vibe: High-impact, combining human biology with systematic engineering.
3. Operations Research / Industrial Engineering
This is the hidden gem of STEM. Industrial engineering isn't about working in an old factory; it’s the science of efficiency. It’s about looking at a complex system—like an airport, a hospital, or a supply chain—and using logic to make it run faster and cheaper.
Why it fits a shifting interest: Because every single industry needs to be optimized. You can use this degree to design efficient ER workflows in hospitals, optimize delivery routes for global shipping companies, or manage production lines for electronics.
The Vibe: Perfect for a methodical, systems-thinking brain. It’s all about solving puzzles.
4. Chemistry / Biochemistry
If you want something that keeps the door wide open for medicine but doesn't trap you there, chemistry is an excellent foundation.
Why it fits a shifting interest: If your interest in medicine stays strong, biochemistry is a standard pre-med route. But if you lose interest in being a doctor, you can easily pivot to pharmacology (developing drugs), environmental science (testing water/soil), materials science, or forensics.
The Vibe: Lab-heavy, structured, and deeply analytical.
A Note on Computer Science: Don't completely write off the skills you learned just because you lost interest in pure software engineering. Coding is no longer just a career; it's a tool. A biologist who can write script is a superpower. A mathematician who can code is incredibly employable.
How to navigate college with your brain type
Pick a "General" major first: If you apply for "General Engineering" or "Life Sciences," you usually have 1 to 2 years to choose your specialization. This buys you time to see what sticks when you're actually taking the classes.
Optimize for "Transferable Skills": Ask yourself, If I get bored of this specific industry in 5 years, what skills will I take with me? Data analysis, systems modeling, and technical writing transfer everywhere.
Lower the pressure on "Passion": Passion is a terrible barometer when dealing with depression and hyperfixation. Aim for engagement and sustainability instead. Find something that exercises your logical brain and provides a stable routine—passion can come and go, but a good fit for your cognitive style stays.
Turning 30 and honestly, I've lost hope in life
I started investing when I was 19 with just $30k. By the time I turned 26, through crypto and sheer luck, I managed to grow that net worth to $8.5 million. I felt like I was on top of the world.
But in 2022, the LUNA crash wiped out almost 90% of my wealth overnight. Panicked and desperate to make it back, I took my remaining $1M and jumped into Binance futures. I used high leverage, chased my losses, and ended up getting completely liquidated. To make matters worse, I was so blinded by greed that I even borrowed money from my girlfriend of 6 years. I lost all of her money too, and unsurprisingly, she dumped me. I ruined the best relationship of my life.
Ever since then, I’ve been a shell of my former self. I want to try new things and rebuild, but the shadow of my past wealth paralyzes me. I can’t get myself to do anything because the numbers in the real world feel meaningless compared to what I used to have.
I’ve lost all motivation and hope. For the past few years, I’ve just been floating around, wasting my life away at casinos. Two years ago, I somehow turned $1,400 into $220,000 in a casino. It felt like a god-given second chance. But my gambling addiction kicked in, and I managed to lose every single cent of it in less than 4 hours.
Now, I’m 30. I have absolutely nothing left but a mountain of debt. I have no college degree, no professional skills, and no certifications.
Is it too late for me to start over from absolute scratch? How do I even begin to let go of the ghost of my past wealth? I feel completely broken.
Jobadvisor
What you're carrying is genuinely heavy, and I want you to know that reaching out — even to a forum — takes courage. Turning 30 with that kind of loss stacked up feels crushing. Your feelings make complete sense.
But I want to gently name something important: what you're describing goes beyond a financial or career problem. The pattern you're describing — the crypto leverage, the borrowed money, the casino cycles, the inability to stop even after a $220k win — that's gambling addiction, and it's a real, recognized condition that rewires how your brain processes risk, reward, and hope. It's not a character flaw. It's not weakness. But it does mean that no career advice or mindset shift will stick until that's addressed first.
I'm also hearing something that sounds like deep hopelessness and possibly depression. "Lost all hope," "shell of my former self," "wasting my life away" — please take those feelings seriously.
The most important first step isn't a career plan. It's this:
Reach out to a gambling addiction support line or counselor. In Romania, you can contact:
- Alcohelp (handles addictions broadly): 021 9699
- Telefonul Speranței (crisis/emotional support): 0800 801 200 (free, 24/7)
- Your family doctor can also refer you to a psychiatrist or addiction specialist through the public health system
Gamblers Anonymous also has online meetings in English if that's more accessible to you.
On the "is it too late" question — 30 is genuinely young. People rebuild from bankruptcy, addiction, and rock bottom at 30, 40, 50. The stories are real. But they almost always start with getting help for the underlying issue, not with hustle or a new strategy.
You haven't lost your intelligence, your capacity to learn, or your future. But right now your brain is stuck in a loop that needs professional support to break out of.
Would it help to talk through what getting that support might look like for your specific situation?