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You don’t need to be best friends with everyone at work, but maintaining respectful, productive relationships with your coworkers is essential for a positive work environment.
No matter how likeable you are, there will always be at least one colleague you don’t click with. When that relationship turns sour, it’s worth making an effort to repair it—provided you approach it thoughtfully.
Keep Perspective
First, remember that your goal isn’t friendship; it’s mutual respect. This distinction matters, especially with your boss or direct reports. In clinical psychology, the “dual relationship” principle prohibits therapists from having any non-therapeutic relationship with clients to avoid conflicts of interest. While the workplace isn’t quite as strict, the same logic applies: when professional and personal relationships overlap, it can create awkwardness and bias when tough decisions need to be made.
That said, a cordial working relationship makes everyone’s job easier and more enjoyable.
Figure Out What Went Wrong
Sometimes the cause of the tension is obvious. Other times, you may have no idea what happened. In either case, a direct but gentle conversation is often the best first step.
Invite the colleague for a casual coffee and open with your own perspective. Avoid accusing them or assuming their motives. Try something like:
> “I’ve noticed that things feel a bit strained between us lately, and I’d like to improve that if possible. Would you be open to talking about it?”
This framing keeps the focus on your feelings and experience while giving them an easy out if they’re not ready. It also invites them to share their side without feeling attacked.
Listen Without Defensiveness
If they open up about what bothered them, resist the urge to immediately explain or defend yourself. The most important thing at this stage is to make them feel heard. Reflect back what they said to show you understood:
> “So what I’m hearing is that when I did X, it came across as Y. Is that right?”
Only after they feel acknowledged should you move into solutions.
Take Responsibility (“Fall on the Sword”)
If you contributed to the problem, own it—even if you didn’t intend any harm. A sincere apology that acknowledges the impact of your actions goes much further than a defensive explanation.
For example:
“I realize that my comment in the meeting came across as dismissive, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to undermine you, but I can see how it landed that way. I’ll be more mindful going forward.”
If appropriate, you can share your own concerns later, but only if the conversation feels collaborative. Don’t turn the first repair attempt into a list of grievances. The goal is forward movement, not evening the score.
**Important note:** If you notice a pattern where this person always plays the victim and expects you to repeatedly grovel, it may be healthier to keep the relationship strictly professional rather than trying endlessly to fix it.
Give It Time
Sometimes the other person isn’t ready to mend things right away. They may still be hurt, dealing with personal stress, or simply not skilled at resolving conflict. If they decline the conversation or remain cold after your apology, don’t push.
Give them space. Often, simply showing that you’re willing to address the issue and take responsibility is enough to slowly thaw the relationship. Pressuring someone to forgive you rarely works and can make things worse.
Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Some relationships may never become warm, but they can still become respectful and functional. By taking the initiative, listening well, owning your part, and respecting their timeline, you dramatically increase the chances of turning a sour relationship into a workable one.