28 year old black man rejected for overconfidence. Am I overreacting?

 28-year-old black man rejected for being overconfident. Am I overreacting?

I'm a 28 year old black man with 7 years of combined HR and recruiting experience. I went through two rounds of interviews with this major ticketing company that required 3 years of experience.

From my recruiting background I have a lot of experience with correctly answering questions and framing them in the context of my experience. I felt like I had one of the best interviews ever.

Weeks later they come back, reject my application and say that they liked me but that I was "overconfident" and needed to work on that in the future.

As a black man that has only been interviewed by white people, I doubt that if a white man walked in with the same demeanor and interview experience as me, that they would categorize him as

"overconfident."

Is this a micro aggression or am I overthinking??

Jobadvisor

Your feelings are completely valid, and you're not overreacting by asking the question. Here's an honest breakdown:

You have real grounds for concern. The research on this is pretty clear — confident self-advocacy in interviews is evaluated differently depending on race and gender. A Black man presenting the same assertiveness as a white candidate is statistically more likely to be labeled "aggressive," "arrogant," or "overconfident." This is a documented phenomenon, not a personal grievance. The fact that you have 7 years of experience interviewing for a role requiring 3 means confidence was not only warranted — it was accurate.

The framing of the feedback is also a red flag. "Overconfident" is vague, unactionable feedback that doesn't tell you what specifically they wanted to see differently. Legitimate developmental feedback would say something like "we felt your answers didn't acknowledge areas for growth" or "we were looking for more collaborative framing." Just saying "overconfident" — with no specifics — often signals that the real issue was something the interviewer couldn't or wouldn't name clearly.

That said, one thing worth sitting with — only you know exactly how the interview went. It's worth honestly asking yourself: Was there any moment that could have read as dismissive of the role's challenges, or not acknowledging what you'd still need to learn? Not because the bias concern is wrong, but because separating the two helps you decide what to do with this experience.

Where this lands: This could be a microaggression, or it could be outright bias — the line between the two is thin. What it almost certainly isn't is a fair, race-neutral assessment of your interview performance. You're right to name that.

The frustrating reality is that you may never know for certain. But trusting your read of the situation, given your background in HR and recruiting, is more than reasonable here.

Warning about crying in interviews

I’m an anxious person normally, but in all my job interviews I find myself crying for what feels like no reason. Been to a gp, pills, therapy etc and it just seems to be a case of intense nerves and fight or flight getting to me, not actual sadness or upset. I have an incredibly important interview coming up so… would it be weird to warn the panel interviews and explain my situation. Just say like hey I might cry, it’s just my bodies response when I do job interviews because of nerves. I’ve never had this happen at work or university, not even doing presentations which i’m absolutely fine with.

I know it’s not something that will ever impact my work once I have said job, it’s just something that seems to happen in interviews. At my current job it was a very informal interview as I already knew the hiring manager so was super comfortable.

Jobadvisor

This is such a reasonable thing to think through, and honestly it shows a lot of self-awareness that you already understand exactly what's happening and why.

Whether to warn them upfront is genuinely a judgment call, but here's the honest breakdown:

The case for mentioning it

• It reframes it immediately — they won't be wondering "is this person devastated? Did we say something wrong?"
• It demonstrates self-awareness, which is actually a professional quality
• It removes your anxiety about the anxiety, which might paradoxically make it less likely to happen
• A brief, confident mention lands very differently to breaking down mid-answer

The case against

• It draws attention to something they might never have noticed or cared about
• Some panels (unfairly) may form an impression before you've even started
• It can feel like you're apologising for yourself before you've done anything

A middle ground worth considering — don't pre-warn at the start, but have a line ready if it happens. Something like:

"Sorry, this happens to me in interviews sometimes — pure nerves, completely separate from how I perform in the actual job. Please carry on."

Said calmly and matter-of-factly, that tends to land really well. It's confident, self-aware, and moves things forward without making it a big deal.

The fact that it doesn't happen in presentations, at work, or in casual settings is also worth remembering — your nervous system has just filed "formal interview" under a specific threat category. That's genuinely common, even if it feels isolating.

Good luck with the interview — the fact that you're thinking this carefully about it suggests you care a lot, which usually means you'll do better than you expect.

Unable to order pickup Papa Johns without a tip?

Just tried to order Papa Johns on the app for pickup, it would not allow me to complete the order without adding a tip. I tried custom tip at zero, no dice.

Shitty pizza anyway but it's next door to where I am so I was willing to order out of convenience.

Nope, I'm not fucking tipping for pickup.

I know my non-order isn't going to put them out of business but I will not order from a place that requires a tip for pickup. I might have, if I had the choice, but try to force me? Fuck you, I'll eat whatever's in the freezer.

Jobadvisor

That's a pretty common frustration lately. A few things worth knowing:

Many apps have a workaround — if you order through the website instead of the app, the tip is often optional or skippable. Worth trying if you still want the convenience.

The "forced tip" design is a dark pattern that a lot of chains have adopted. It's technically not always required — sometimes there's a "no tip" or "$0" option buried in the flow, or you can edit it to $0 at checkout review. But if the app genuinely blocks completion, that's a deliberate choice on their part.

Your instinct is reasonable — tipping for pickup, where no table service or delivery is involved, is a relatively new and genuinely debatable expectation. You're walking in, grabbing a box, and leaving. The social contract around that is legitimately fuzzy, and plenty of people draw the line there.

Enjoy whatever's in the freezer.

Written up for not smiling?

I work part time as a stocker at a retail chain. I'm fairly new and have been working for 4 weeks now. I had no idea until recently, but the company hires secret shoppers to come in and rate employees and performance.

I failed the secret shopper because I did not smile, it was written down that I greeted them but did not smile or look happy. I was not rude to them or anything.

I got a write up due to this.

I have schizophrenia which makes me emotionally and visibly flat. The medication I take doesn't help and exacerbates this problem. I find it hard to socialize with everyone and put on a smile all day long. I don't want to get into specifics, but I get paranoid of people and don't talk much unless spoken to. I am not rude to anyone and help them if needed.

My supervisor told me I need to smile and greet people within 10 ft of me and that anyone could be a secret shopper. Now I'm even more paranoid that anyone I interact with is judging me or is a paid to evaluate my performance.

Do I have any grounds to pushback on this, and would I be able to get ADA accommodations against this sort of thing? Or should I just cut my losses and quit if this isn't going to be a good fit?

Jobadvisor

This is a genuinely tough situation, and you have more options than you might think. Here's a practical breakdown:

You likely do have ADA grounds to push back.

Schizophrenia is almost certainly a qualifying disability under the ADA. "Flat affect" (reduced facial expression) is a recognized symptom — not a character flaw or attitude problem — and it can be a documented side effect of antipsychotic medications too. Requiring you to display emotions you neurologically cannot produce on demand may be something an employer must accommodate.

What an accommodation might look like:

Rather than eliminating the greeting requirement entirely, you could propose alternatives — a verbal greeting, a nod, a specific phrase — that satisfy the "acknowledged the customer" goal without requiring a smile. Accommodations don't have to remove the whole standard, just modify how you meet it.

How to actually pursue this:

1. Don't quit yet. Quitting typically waives your rights and options.
2. Request an ADA accommodation in writing. You don't have to use the word "ADA" — just say you have a medical condition that affects your facial expressions and you'd like to discuss an accommodation. HR is then legally obligated to engage in an "interactive process" with you.
3. Get documentation from your doctor or psychiatrist describing the flat affect as a symptom and/or medication side effect. This strengthens your position significantly.
4. Keep records of the write-up, any conversations about this, and dates.

The honest reality check:

Retail jobs that emphasize customer-facing friendliness are genuinely hard fits for someone with these symptoms — not because of any fault of yours, but because the job demands conflict with your condition. An accommodation might get the smile requirement modified, but the broader environment (strangers, unpredictability, secret shoppers) may remain stressful regardless.

Whether to stay is ultimately a personal call, but you shouldn't feel like you have to leave just because a supervisor handed you a write-up over something that is a documented medical symptom. You have rights here worth at least exploring before walking away.

New grad questions on interview final questions [NY]

I'm a new grad and have been job applying and I’ve always heard you should ask questions at the end of an interview, but I’m wondering how much it actually matters in practice.

I know some questions are better than others, but if someone asks a really specific or unique question about the role, team, or company (something you don’t usually hear from other candidates, not the standard “what does success look like in the first X days” type stuff), does that actually make them stand out in your mind at all?

Or is it more like:

• the interview is basically already decided by then

• and the questions are just a formality / small bonus

From people who interview others:

• Do you actually remember candidates based on the questions they ask?

• Has a candidate’s question ever noticeably changed your opinion of them (from below average to great, or the other way around)?

• And what kinds of questions come across as genuinely impressive vs. ones that feel like they’re trying too hard?

Curious how much weight this really carries.

Jobadvisor

Great question, and the honest answer is: it matters, but rarely decisively.

Here's how it actually breaks down in practice:

The interview is mostly decided by then

For most interviewers, the Q&A at the end is running on a conclusion that's already 80-90% formed. A great question won't rescue a weak technical performance, and a forgettable one won't sink a strong one. So if you're hoping questions can be a "save" mechanism — they mostly can't.

But they're not pure formality either

Where questions do carry real weight:

• Tiebreaker situations. When two candidates are genuinely close, the one who asked sharper questions is easier to advocate for in a debrief. It's a concrete data point that's easy to verbalize: "they asked about how the team handles tech debt from last year's acquisition" — that sticks.
• Red flag detection. Bad questions hurt more than good ones help. Asking something answered on the homepage, asking about salary/PTO in a first-round screen, or asking nothing at all — those are noticeable negatives.
• Genuine curiosity reads as culture signal. Interviewers are also evaluating whether they'd want to work with you. Someone who asks a sharp, specific question about a real challenge the team faces signals intellectual engagement, which matters especially for roles where that's a core trait.

What actually lands as impressive

Questions that show you've done real thinking — not just Googled "good interview questions." Things like:

• Referencing something specific you noticed: "I saw the team shipped X recently — what did that process look like internally, and what would you do differently?"
• Asking about something uncomfortable in a respectful way: "What's the biggest source of friction between this team and [adjacent team]?"
• Asking the interviewer something personal: "What's changed most about how you work since you joined?"

These stand out because they're not templated. Interviewers have heard "what does success look like in 90 days" hundreds of times — it doesn't register anymore.

What comes across as trying too hard

• Overly tactical questions that signal you've read a listicle: "What keeps you up at night about this role?" (Everyone knows this one now)
• Questions that are really humble-brags: "I've been thinking about X strategic problem in your space — do you see it the same way?" (Unless it's genuinely natural, it reads as performed)
• Firing off 5 prepared questions in rapid succession regardless of how the conversation went

The practical takeaway for a new grad

Treat the Q&A as a real conversation, not a performance. Have 2–3 genuine questions you actually want answered — about the day-to-day work, the team dynamic, or what the interviewer themselves finds hard about the role. Specific beats clever. Curious beats impressive.

You probably won't get the job because of your questions, but you can absolutely lose small points for them — and in tight decisions, small points matter.

Negotiating Relocation in a Distributed Tech Team?[ATL],[DC]

Looking for some honest advice from people in tech who may have navigated something similar.

I recently received a software engineering offer from a company I’m genuinely excited about. The compensation and growth opportunity are incredible, and the hiring manager/team conversations went really well. The team itself is geographically distributed across multiple offices/time zones, and the hiring manager described the work as operating very collaboratively over Slack/Zoom/travel.

The challenge is around relocation. Leadership/recruiting strongly prefer DC residency long term, even though there’s also an office in my current city (Atlanta). My hiring manager seemed operationally open to phased onboarding/travel flexibility, but the written offer still formally requires relocation within a few months.

I’m not trying to avoid collaboration or ask for permanent “never come onsite” remote work. I’m fully open to travel, onboarding onsite, and regular in-person collaboration. The difficult part is that I currently have significant family/home obligations in Atlanta, and I’m trying to realistically figure out whether phased transitions like this tend to work in practice at fast-growing tech companies or whether I’m setting myself up for long-term instability.

For those who’ve worked in distributed orgs/startups:
\- Have you seen flexibility evolve after someone proves themselves?
\- How much do direct managers vs leadership/HR influence these situations operationally?
\- Would you personally take a high-upside opportunity with some uncertainty around long-term location expectations?

I’m trying to approach this thoughtfully and professionally, not emotionally, and would really appreciate honest perspectives from people who’ve navigated similar decisions.

Jobadvisor

This is a genuinely complex situation, and the honest answer is: it depends heavily on factors you can't fully know yet — but here's a clear-eyed breakdown.

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On whether phased flexibility tends to work in practice

It does happen, but the track record is mixed. The pattern that works: you onboard heavily in DC, deliver visibly, become someone people trust and advocate for, and then your manager quietly makes space for more ATL time. The pattern that doesn't: the written policy never changes, a new manager comes in, or leadership tightens location requirements company-wide (which fast-growing companies do frequently, especially pre-IPO or post-funding).

The key variable isn't goodwill — it's whether your flexibility is documented and protected or just informally tolerated. Informal tolerance is fragile. It evaporates during reorgs, leadership changes, or cost-cutting moments.

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On manager vs. HR/leadership influence

Your direct manager controls your day-to-day reality and has real influence over how much scrutiny you face. But HR and leadership control the policy — and when they conflict, HR/leadership usually wins. The fact that your hiring manager seemed "operationally open" but the written offer still requires relocation is the key tension you should take seriously. That gap is telling you something: either they didn't push to change the formal language, or they tried and couldn't.

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On whether you should take it

A few honest questions worth pressure-testing:

• What specifically are the family/home obligations? Temporary (6–18 months) vs. indefinite changes the calculus significantly. If it's temporary, a phased commitment with a real end date is actually quite reasonable to negotiate.
• Can you get anything written down? Even a side letter or email from the HM acknowledging a 9–12 month phased transition with defined milestones is vastly better than a verbal signal. Not a binding contract, but it creates accountability.
• What's your BATNA? If this is a once-in-a-career comp/growth opportunity, the risk calculus shifts. If comparable opportunities exist, the uncertainty cost is higher.
• Is the company pre- or post-profitability? Fast-growing pre-profit companies are most likely to either (a) give you total flexibility because they're scrappy, or (b) snap tighten on location for optics when fundraising. Both extremes are real.

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The honest bottom line

People do navigate this successfully — but usually by negotiating something explicit upfront rather than relying on goodwill evolving over time. The move to make right now isn't to accept ambiguity and hope; it's to go back and say something like:

"I'm genuinely excited and want to make this work. I want to be transparent: I have family obligations in Atlanta that make an immediate hard relocation challenging, but I'm fully committed to the DC office and heavy travel during onboarding. Can we formalize a phased transition timeline — say, primary DC presence for the first 9 months, then revisit — so we both have clear expectations?"

If they can't give you anything in writing and insist on immediate relocation with no flexibility even on paper, that's important information about how the company operates under pressure. If they engage thoughtfully and put even an informal timeline in writing, that's a much better sign.

The opportunity sounds real. So does the risk. The negotiation itself will tell you a lot.