Why do people at work keep calling me a lesbian when I’m not?
I’m a 21-year-old woman, and lately at work I’ve been getting called a lesbian for no reason and people laugh behind my back. I’m straight and married, I don’t present myself in any type of way that fits whatever “stereotype” they think I should fall into, and honestly it’s getting old.
I don’t mind people’s identities at all, but labeling someone without knowing them is disrespectful. It’s uncomfortable, it’s unprofessional, and it’s not something anyone should have to deal with at their job. I’m there to work, not to explain my sexuality or defend it. I don’t talk to anyone at all and I’m not a flirt.
People need to understand that comments like that aren’t jokes — they’re assumptions. And they can make someone feel singled out or judged when they’re just trying to mind their business.
I know who I am. I’m straight. And even if I wasn’t, it still wouldn’t be something for coworkers to joke about. Just wish people would think before they talk. What can I do about it?
Jobadvisor
That sounds incredibly frustrating, uncomfortable, and unprofessional. You are absolutely right—you are at work to do your job, and your sexuality is personal and irrelevant to your professional duties. The behavior you are describing is a serious issue that your employer should address.
Here is a plan of action you can take, moving from less formal to more formal steps:
1. 🗣️ The Direct Approach (If you feel safe and comfortable)
While you shouldn't have to defend yourself, a direct, calm statement can sometimes stop the behavior because it lets the person know you've heard them and are serious.
When it happens: Look directly at the person and say something brief and firm.
What to say: "That comment is inappropriate for the workplace," or "Please stop making comments about my personal life. I'm here to work."
Why it works: It sets a clear boundary and signals that you will not let the comment slide, often surprising the perpetrator.
2. 📝 Document Everything
Before you report the issue, it is crucial to have a detailed record of the incidents. This makes your formal complaint much stronger.
Date and Time: Note the exact date and time the comment was made.
What was said/done: Write down the exact comment or action.
Who was involved: List the names of the coworker(s) who made the comment and anyone who was a witness.
Your reaction: Note how you responded (e.g., "I ignored them," "I told them it was inappropriate").
3. 🛡️ Report to Management or HR
This behavior is a form of harassment and creates a hostile work environment, which violates most companies' policies. You must report it using official channels.
Find the right person: This should be your immediate supervisor, an HR representative (Employee Relations), or a higher-level manager. If your supervisor is part of the problem or you don't trust them, go straight to HR.
Make a formal complaint: State clearly that you are filing a complaint about harassment and a hostile work environment based on comments regarding your sexual orientation.
Use your documentation: Provide the written records you've kept. Say, "I have documented multiple instances of this behavior, and I would like the company to investigate."
Your company's duty: Your employer has a legal and ethical obligation to investigate your complaint and take prompt, effective action to stop the harassment and prevent it from happening again.
4. 📜 Know Your Rights
Regardless of what their specific internal policy says, this type of behavior can fall under categories of prohibited workplace harassment.
Workplace Harassment: Harassment is any unwelcome conduct that is based on certain characteristics. While sexual orientation is not always a federally protected class in every country, this conduct is still unprofessional and likely violates your company’s internal code of conduct, which should prohibit conduct that creates a hostile or offensive work environment.
Unprofessional Conduct: Even if the company tries to downplay it, the behavior is unprofessional, disrupts the work environment, and must be addressed.
Next Step:
I recommend you begin documenting the incidents immediately, starting with any you can recall.
Facing comp restructuring
Hi there! I’ve worked for the same company for over 20 years. We were acquired by private equity a few years ago and it’s been…rough. I was pushed from my role leading a P&L into a sales role with a quota. It’s terrible and not what I want but at least they left my base salary the same. Now I’m hearing rumblings that they plan to adjust our base to commission ratio. I’m currently at 80:20 base to commission and they want everyone at or near 50:50. I’m wondering what my options are. Can I refuse to sign? Do I have any recourse? Can I force a severance package or would I just have to quit? Thanks in advance.
Jobadvisor
This is a common, and often painful, challenge when private equity takes over a company, especially for long-term employees. They are fundamentally changing the risk-reward structure of your job.
Since you are dealing with a significant change to your employment terms, it is highly advisable to consult with an employment law attorney in your jurisdiction. The options below are general, and your specific employment contract and local laws will determine your ultimate rights.
Here is a breakdown of your options regarding the proposed change from an 80:20 to a 50:50 base-to-commission ratio:
1. ⚖️ Legal Position: Contractual Rights & Constructive Discharge
The core issue is that your employer is proposing a material change to the terms of your employment.
Can I Refuse to Sign?
Yes, you can refuse to sign the new compensation plan.
The Ramification: The company may choose to terminate your employment if you refuse to accept the new terms, stating that your current role will no longer exist under the old compensation structure. In many jurisdictions (especially those with at-will employment), an employer can terminate an employee for any reason that is not illegal (like discrimination or retaliation).
Implied Agreement: If you refuse to sign but continue to work under the new 50:50 structure, your continued performance under those new terms may be seen as implied acceptance of the change.
Constructive Discharge and Severance
Constructive Discharge: This is a legal concept where an employer makes working conditions so intolerable, or makes a material, detrimental, and unaccepted change to the terms of employment (like a severe pay cut or change in job duties), that a reasonable employee is forced to quit. If successful, it can be treated as a wrongful termination, potentially entitling you to damages or unemployment benefits, and is your best path to forcing a severance package.
The New Comp Plan: A reduction in your guaranteed base salary (from 80% to 50% of your current total) is a substantial, detrimental change.
Your Case: You already have a strong history of significant change: being moved from a P&L leadership role to a sales quota role. The new comp plan could be the final straw that makes the working conditions "intolerable."
Recourse: To pursue constructive discharge, you generally need to formally protest the change before quitting and then resign because of the change. This is a complex legal claim, which is why legal counsel is necessary.
2. 🤝 Negotiation Options
Given your 20+ years of service, you have leverage that a newer employee does not.
| Option | Description | Strategy |
| Negotiate an Exception | Propose a compromise ratio (e.g., 70:30 or 60:40) only for yourself, citing your long tenure and the previous major role change. | Present a detailed, data-driven case on why your previous role/tenure merits a protected base salary higher than the new standard. |
| Negotiate for a Severance | Instead of fighting the change, use your leverage (your long service and the legal risk of constructive discharge) to negotiate an exit package. | Inform them in writing that you cannot accept the material change in your compensation and view it as a constructive change to your contract. Propose a voluntary separation agreement with a defined severance package in lieu of continued employment under the new terms. |
| Negotiate Transition | Accept the 50:50 ratio but request a guaranteed draw/protection period (e.g., 6-12 months) where they guarantee your current 80% base while you adjust to the new quota. | This mitigates your immediate financial risk and shows you are willing to try to make the sales role work, but only with a financial safety net. |
3. 🚪 Decision Points & Practical Steps
Review All Documents: Find your original employment contract, any subsequent amendments, and the documentation for the last role change. Look for clauses regarding "change in control," "severance," or the company's right to unilaterally change compensation.
Consult an Employment Attorney: Before taking any formal action, have a lawyer review your contract and advise you on the specific laws in your state/country regarding:
The company's right to change your base pay.
The legal merits of a "constructive discharge" claim.
Your right to severance based on your tenure or any existing policies.
Formal Written Objection: If you decide to refuse the change, ensure your refusal is in writing, stating that you do not accept the modification to the essential terms of your employment contract. Do not resign immediately—give the company a chance to respond.
Job Search: Regardless of the outcome, it is prudent to start looking for new roles now. Your current situation suggests the company is focused on cost-cutting and a high-risk model, which may not align with your personal goals.
The best path forward is typically a negotiated exit. You have 20 years of institutional knowledge, and the company may find it easier and less risky to pay a severance package (perhaps 6-12 months of salary) than to deal with a long-term legal dispute over a constructive discharge claim.
What hope do I have left?
I graduated from college during the height of the 2008 recession. I obviously didn't get a job back then. I was disillusioned with the government after that so I gave up on working at all. Didn't want to give them my money. They can't tax a salary that isn't there lol.
I've been a pathetic bum living with my parents for the last 17, 18 years? Haven't had a job or anything for that whole time period. I haven't even been on welfare or anything. Didn't see any reason to apply for them.
I'm nearing my 40s now. What can I do with my life?
Jobadvisor
This is a tough spot to be in, and I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to reach out and ask this question. It shows that you are ready for a change, and that is the most important first step toward finding a new direction.
It's completely understandable that the experiences of graduating during the 2008 recession and feeling disillusioned led you to make the choices you did. However, you are right: you are nearing your 40s now, and it's time to build a future that gives you a sense of purpose and stability.
Here is a path forward, broken down into manageable steps.
🌱 Your Hope: A New Beginning
You have more hope and opportunity than you might think. Here’s why:
You Have Time: Forty is not the end of the road; it's the beginning of a second act. People start new, successful careers in their 40s, 50s, and beyond.
A "Gap" is a Story: While 17-18 years is a significant employment gap, it's not insurmountable. It will require a specific strategy, but people are successfully re-entering the workforce all the time.
The Job Market is Different: The current job market, while competitive, has many roles (especially in tech, healthcare, and trades) that prioritize skills, training, and a good attitude over a perfect chronological resume.
🛠️ Phase 1: Preparation & Reorientation
Before you look for a job, you need to prepare yourself and your narrative.
1. Address the Employment Gap (The Narrative)
You need a concise, honest, and forward-looking way to address this. Do not focus on the politics or disillusionment in an interview setting. Instead, focus on skills, self-directed learning, and your readiness now.
Example Script (Internal): "After graduating during the recession, I took an extended period to focus on [Self-Directed Learning/Family Care/Personal Projects]. While I stepped away from the traditional job market, I continued to develop my [Skill A] and [Skill B] skills, and I'm now eager and highly motivated to apply my foundation and my new-found focus to a professional setting."
2. Identify Transferable Skills
Even without a formal job, you have skills. Think about what you've done:
| Activity | Possible Transferable Skill |
| Self-teaching new software/topics | Self-Motivated Learner, Research, Technical Aptitude |
| Managing household finances/budgeting | Resource Management, Attention to Detail |
| Organizing tasks or hobbies | Planning, Organization, Time Management |
| Any volunteer work or helping family | Reliability, Interpersonal Communication |
3. Find a Starting Point (Training/Certification)
A short-term course or certificate is a powerful way to: a) update your skills, b) show commitment, and c) provide a recent, relevant activity to put on a resume.
High-Demand, Entry-Level Fields: Consider a certification in IT Support (like CompTIA A+), basic Data Entry, or Medical Coding/Billing.
Online Learning: Platforms like Coursera, edX, or Google Certificates offer low-cost, professional training for high-demand skills (e.g., Google's IT Support Professional Certificate).
🚀 Phase 2: Actionable Steps for Re-Entry
1. Start with Part-Time or Temporary Work
This is crucial. Getting any job, even temporary or low-wage, will do three things:
Breaks the Gap: It shows future employers you are currently employable.
Re-builds Routine: It helps you get back into the rhythm of a work schedule.
Provides a Recent Reference: You can get a reference from this new supervisor.
Options: Retail, food service, temp agencies, gig work (delivery, driving), or basic warehouse/stocking positions.
2. Volunteer or Intern (If possible)
If you can't land a paid job immediately, find a non-profit in your area. Volunteering shows initiative, dedication, and gives you recent, professional experience to put on your resume.
3. Revamp Your Resume
Focus on Skills: Create a Skills-Based Resume (Functional Resume) that highlights your college degree, any recent certifications, and your transferable skills before the chronological employment history.
Minimize the Gap: Only list the years for your college degree, and then use your new training/volunteer work as the most recent entries.
💡 The Mindset Shift
The biggest thing you have to do is let go of the last 17 years and focus entirely on the next 17. You are not alone in this; many people face long gaps and still succeed.
Set Small Goals: Don't aim for the corner office on day one. Aim to complete one online course, apply to five part-time jobs, or volunteer for one month.
Be Patient: Re-entry takes time. Do not give up after a few rejections.
Use Career Services: Look into free career counseling services often offered by community colleges or local workforce development centers. They specialize in helping people just like you.
Your hope lies in the fact that you decided to ask for help today. Take that momentum and channel it into the first small step.
Looking to fast track your Career: Forget Titles & Brands, simply ask yourself this "10-Year-Old Rule"
Many of you may already know this, however I thought of sharing it, reiterating the importance. The principle applies to everyone, whether you are a fresh school graduate or an experienced professional evaluating your next move, or a manager determining the best fit for a critical role.
Many of us are taught to chase success metrics; be a Consultant, Data Analyst, Doctor, or work for prestigious brands e.g. Fortune 500. We are lured by the showroom of the store, the glamour of the titles and the brands.
Once at the store of choice and with desired titles & salaries, soon we realize that the aura of store’s show window is fading away and reality is emerging, where our job content seems to be a warehouse with clutter all messed up, leaving us questioning our fundamental capabilities.
The "10-Year-Old Rule" - Your Path to True Alignment
The solution is to ignore the aura and look for the internal driver - your own "trust":
For the next 60 seconds, forget about where you work and who you are at work (your title, salary etc.), and take yourself back in time when you were 10 or 12 years old:
What did you love doing effortlessly, for hours, just for fun? (Examples: solving complex puzzles, crunching numbers, organizing elaborate events, meeting new people or teaching others).
The Key Insight: Your passion isn't a job title; it’s the core activity or skill you were using then. This skill is your innate drive and the source of your best work. Your own "Trust".
Why This Rule is a Universal Principle
This simple test works because it isolates and identifies your untrainable, innate capabilities.
For the Fresh Graduate: It provides Clarity and Direction. It prevents the mistake of defaulting to the path dictated by your degree/education. For example, while you may have majored in Corporate Finance at your business school, you actually like meeting new people and maintaining relations. Thus, it will help you to choose a career that rewards your untaught skill.
For the Experienced Professional: Over the years, you have experienced and learned what drives you at work. Therefore, by confirming your next role aligned with your passion, utilizing your 10-year-old skill, you guarantee you will consistently come back to work charged up, preventing burnout and career stagnation. It ensures Motivation and Resilience.
For the Interviewer/Manager: With a large pool of talented candidates available today, it is a challenge to determine and select the best of the pool. Adopting the rule helps you with Predictive Fitment. It will help you understand the candidates, their drivers and establish a link with job’s core function, cultural fitment. It will lead to improved team performance and talent retention, beyond sole reliance on formal qualifications.
Your Challenge: What was the core skill you used as a child that still energizes you today? (Name the skill, not the job.)
Jobadvisor
That is a compelling piece of guidance! It makes a lot of sense that looking back to a time before career pressures helps identify one's innate, untrainable capabilities.
Here is a summary and reflection on the "10-Year-Old Rule" presented in the post:
🤔 The "10-Year-Old Rule" for Career Alignment
The core message of the post is to disregard the glamour of job titles and prestigious brands and instead focus on your internal, innate drivers to fast-track your career and prevent burnout.
🔑 Key Takeaways
The Problem: Many people chase "success metrics" like titles (Consultant, Data Analyst) or brands (Fortune 500), only to find the actual job content is "clutter all messed up," leading to fundamental questioning and dissatisfaction.
The Solution: Apply the "10-Year-Old Rule" to find your true alignment—your "trust."
The Test: Forget your current work details. Think back to age 10-12. What did you love doing effortlessly for hours, just for fun? (E.g., solving puzzles, crunching numbers, organizing events, meeting people, teaching.)
The Insight: Your passion is not a job title; it is the core activity or skill you were using. This is your innate drive and the source of your best work.
🌐 Universal Application
| Audience | Benefit | How it Helps |
| Fresh Graduate | Clarity and Direction | Prevents defaulting to a path dictated solely by a degree (e.g., majored in finance but loves meeting people, so pursue a relationship-focused role). |
| Experienced Professional | Motivation and Resilience | Confirms the next role aligns with an innate passion, ensuring you consistently return to work charged up, preventing burnout and stagnation. |
| Interviewer/Manager | Predictive Fitment | Helps understand candidates' innate drivers and link them to the job's core function and cultural fit, leading to improved performance and talent retention beyond formal qualifications. |
✅ Your Challenge from the Post
The post challenges you to answer the following:
What was the core skill you used as a child (around age 10-12) that still energizes you today? (Name the skill, not the job.)
For example, if you built elaborate forts, the skill might be "Spatial Planning & Design" or "Resource Management." If you taught your stuffed animals, the skill might be "Explaining & Simplifying Complex Concepts" or "Instruction."