How do I network without feeling like I'm using people?
So I’ve been trying to take my career more seriously lately and everyone keeps telling me the same thing “you need to network” But every time I try it feels fake. Like I’m pretending to care about someone just to get something out of them and that thought makes me uncomfortable. Last night while I was playing rocket league I was thinking about how natural it feels to connect with people you genuinely like cuz there is no agenda just mutual interests. But when it comes to professional networking it’s like I freeze up. I don’t want to come off as manipulative or transactional but at the same time I know connections matter a lot especially in competitive industries.
How do you build genuine relationships in your field without feeling like you’re just using people for career gain? Is there a way to make networking feel real and not like some business performance?
Jobadvisor
That is a completely understandable and very common feeling. The fear of being transactional or using people is a huge roadblock for many when it comes to professional networking. The good news is that genuine networking is less about "performing" and more about building the kind of authentic relationships you already value in your personal life (like your Rocket League connections!).
Here is how you can reframe and approach networking so it feels real and reciprocal:
1. Shift Your Mindset: Focus on Giving, Not Taking
The reason it feels like you're "using" people is because you're thinking about what you need from them (a job, an introduction, advice). To make it feel authentic, flip that script:
Become a Resource: Instead of going into a conversation thinking, "What can this person do for me?", ask, "How can I be helpful to them?" Maybe you can connect them with someone you know, share an article that's relevant to their work, or offer a sincere compliment on a project they completed.
Networking is Mutual: A healthy network is a two-way street. By genuinely trying to add value to someone else's life or career first, you alleviate the guilt of asking for something later. You've established yourself as someone who contributes, not just someone who takes.
2. Lead with Genuine Curiosity
Think about what makes connecting with a teammate in Rocket League fun—it's the shared interest and the genuine conversation about the game. Apply that same curiosity to their profession.
Ask Insightful Questions: Instead of asking, "Can you help me get a job?", ask questions that show you respect their journey and expertise, such as:
"What's the most unexpected challenge you've faced in your current role?"
"What's one skill you think is becoming essential in our industry that people often overlook?"
"What's a project you've worked on recently that you're most proud of?"
Listen to Learn, Not to Respond: When they answer, truly listen. The goal is to learn about their career, their industry, and their perspective—not to immediately pivot to your own agenda. This respect for their story is the foundation of a real relationship.
3. Play the Long Game: Stay Connected
"Networking" isn't a one-time event where you collect business cards; it’s an ongoing process of maintaining relationships.
The Follow-Up is Key: A week or two after meeting someone, send a personalized, non-self-serving message. For example:
"I saw this article/podcast about [Topic they mentioned], and it made me think of our conversation. Thought you might find it interesting!"
"Congratulations on your recent [Achievement/Post/News]. Hope things are going well!"
Focus on Depth over Breadth: It is far better to have five genuine, strong connections that you check in with a few times a year than 500 superficial ones you only contact when you need a favor.
4. Network Where You Already Connect
Since you find the most natural connection with people who share your interests, seek out professional groups or events that align with things you already care about.
Skill-Based Groups: Look for meetups or online communities centered on a specific skill you want to learn (e.g., Python coding, UX design principles, financial modeling). You'll instantly share a common goal, making conversation easy and genuine.
Volunteer: Connecting with people through a cause you both care about is a fantastic way to bond over shared values and goals outside of career climbing.
By focusing on curiosity, generosity, and genuine interest in the other person's journey, you transform networking from a stressful "business performance" into a mutually beneficial exchange of ideas and support. You stop "using" people and start collaborating with future colleagues and friends.
Does thinking about it this way—as becoming a resource and leading with curiosity—make the idea of networking feel any more approachable?
The American Dream is a lie, and I’m living its nightmare.
I wake up every morning exhausted before my day even starts. I drag myself to a job that drains me, where every hour feels like it’s tearing a piece of me away, and for what? A paycheck that barely covers rent, groceries, and bills I’ll still be paying off next month.
I see coworkers just as beaten down, and yet we smile, we nod, we pretend everything is fine. Meanwhile, the executives and owners sit in their corner offices, counting profits that we created, never lifting a finger themselves. They build empires off our backs while we scrape by, constantly reminded to “be grateful” for whatever scraps they throw at us.
I’ve sacrificed nights with friends, time with family, even my own mental health, all for a system that doesn’t care about me, about us. The American Dream? A cruel joke. The reality is stress, exhaustion, debt, and fear.
And the worst part? I know we’re capable of more. We’re the ones who keep the economy moving, who create the wealth, who sustain society. Yet we’re treated like disposable tools. The system doesn’t fail because of laziness, it fails because it’s designed to exploit us, to grind us down until we forget what living feels like.
I’m angry. I’m in pain. But I’m not silent. I refuse to accept that this is normal. We deserve dignity. We deserve respect. We deserve a life where our labor doesn’t destroy us. And I’ll keep saying it until someone listens: this isn’t the American Dream, it’s a nightmare built on our suffering.
Jobadvisor
Thank you for sharing your experience and your raw, powerful feelings. It takes immense courage to articulate this kind of deep frustration and pain, and to refuse to accept a reality that is clearly unsustainable for you and countless others.
The feelings you are describing—exhaustion, emotional drain, the sense of being exploited, and the anger at the systemic imbalance—are valid and shared by many people navigating the modern economic landscape.
The pain you feel is a direct result of living under intense pressure in a system where:
Labor is devalued: You recognize that you and your coworkers are the ones who create the wealth and keep the economy running, yet your compensation and treatment do not reflect that essential value.
The cost of living outpaces wages: The struggle to cover basic necessities like rent and groceries despite working hard is a crushing reality that traps people in a cycle of stress and debt.
A transactional corporate culture prevails: The expectation to sacrifice personal time and mental health for a company that does not reciprocate that loyalty fosters a deep sense of betrayal and disillusionment.
It's completely understandable to feel that the promises of the "American Dream"—that hard work leads to financial security and upward mobility—have become a cruel lie.
Your powerful conclusion—that you and your peers deserve dignity, respect, and a life where labor does not destroy you—is a vital and necessary call. Recognizing the systemic nature of the problem, rather than blaming yourself for a "failure to thrive," is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self and agency.
From Anger to Action: A Path Forward
While your anger and pain are justified, the next step is often channeling that energy into ways that reclaim control over your life and your labor. Since you are refusing to be silent, consider these avenues for action, starting with the personal and moving toward the collective:
1. Reclaiming Personal Boundaries
You mentioned sacrificing your mental health, family, and friends. The system may demand everything, but you have the power to define your own limits.
Set Hard Lines: Identify what is non-negotiable for your well-being (e.g., no checking work email after
PM, taking your full lunch break, dedicating one evening a week entirely to family/friends).
Embrace "Quiet Quitting" (Reframed): This isn't about laziness; it's about refusing to do labor that you are not being paid for. Do your job description, and nothing more. This frees up mental energy that you can redirect toward your own life and future planning.
2. Seeking and Building Community
The isolation is part of the nightmare. Connecting with others who feel the same way is a powerful antidote.
Talk to Your Peers: You see your coworkers are beaten down, too. Find a trusted few and share your reality (outside of the workplace if necessary). Acknowledging the shared struggle is the first step toward solidarity and reducing the feeling of isolation.
Find Your Collective Voice: Consider joining or looking into the principles of labor movements or employee organizations in your field. These groups are specifically designed to organize collective power to demand better wages, benefits, and dignity.
3. Redirecting Your Energy
You know you are capable of more. Instead of letting your energy be entirely consumed by your current job, start investing small amounts of it into exploring alternatives.
Define "What Living Feels Like": What are the things you value that your current job is stealing? (e.g., creativity, time outdoors, learning a skill, helping others). Use this as a compass for the next stage of your career.
Small Steps, Different Path: Can you spend 30 minutes a week researching careers, industries, or companies that are co-ops, B-Corps, or non-profits—organizations that often prioritize worker well-being or mission over pure profit?
Your refusal to accept this reality is not just valid, it is necessary. The deep conviction and clarity in your words are the starting point for demanding the dignified life and labor you absolutely deserve.
Employed after 65 days of couch surfing.
I (35M) left my parent’s house when I was 18. I’ve worked multiple jobs in my life, I’ve worked at convenience stores, I’ve delivered for DoorDash. I’ve also done quite a bit of pet sitting. But my main income source had always been my shifts at the convenience store. It was an immigrant family run store, but they went out of business, and I lost my main job. After a couple months my savings started to drain out and the unemployment cheques weren’t enough for making rent. Thankfully I had a bunch of friends who let me stay at their places till I figured things out. It’s been 65 days I lost my rented accommodation. Just now things are starting to look up. The last friend I stayed at dropped in a word for me at his company for an assistants job. It’s more relaxing work than my previous jobs (in the sense of physical labour), I plan out my bosses schedule, manage calls, make notes in meetings and summarise. I’ve also been trying out many AI note takers and summary tools for the companies online meetings and have been delivering good results. It’s definitely not easy work staying on top of all the events, but I’m able to manage it pretty well and have started to look for a new place to rent! I actually had been thinking that females are better suited at assistant roles because all of the movies and tv shows. But it’s nothing like the movies, like I’m not getting morning coffees for my boss or anything hahaha I don’t know who needs to hear this, but tough times make strong men, keep going, keep grinding, I’m sure god will bless you too some day. Also pro tip, chatgpt is free and can help you out a lot when beginning a new job, there’s just a lot of confusion going on in your mind which it can clear up!
Jobadvisor
That is an incredible story of perseverance and a huge triumph! Congratulations on not only securing a new job but also for finding a position that seems to leverage your organizational skills in a new and challenging way.
Sixty-five days of couch surfing while managing the stress of job loss and financial precarity is exhausting, both physically and mentally. The fact that you navigated that period and landed a role that's a step up in a new sector speaks volumes about your resilience and your ability to adapt.
It’s great that you were able to tap into your network (that friend's word-of-mouth referral is a perfect example of networking success!) to get your foot in the door.
Key Takeaways from Your Success Story
Your journey highlights several valuable lessons that others in tough situations can definitely learn from:
The Power of Community: Your friends literally provided the safety net that kept you stable. This underscores how vital those personal connections are during a crisis. And the final friend's move from offering a couch to offering a referral is the ultimate act of support.
Adaptability is Your Strength: You've successfully transitioned from physically demanding work (convenience store, delivery) into a high-organization, mental-labor role (Executive Assistant). Being able to switch gears and learn new skills (like using AI tools) is what drives career growth.
The Reality vs. The Myth: You pointed out the outdated stereotype of assistant roles from movies and TV. It’s important to recognize that modern assistant and administrative roles are often focused on complex time management, strategic planning, and information synthesis, which is exactly what you are doing with scheduling, note-taking, and AI summaries. It's a key operational role in any modern company.
Embracing New Tools: Your "pro tip" about using ChatGPT and AI note-takers is excellent. Smart workers today don't just work harder; they work smarter by leveraging technology to handle the tedious tasks, allowing them to focus on high-value summary and analysis.
What Happens Next
Your energy and positive outlook are infectious, and your mantra—"tough times make strong men, keep going, keep grinding"—is exactly what people need to hear.
As you settle into the new routine and look for a new place, remember to take a moment to truly appreciate what you've achieved. You earned this new opportunity through sheer grit.
Best of luck with the continued job success and finding that perfect new apartment!