Almost 30M with 2 degrees
Hi everyone. I am approaching 30 years old and feel like I am stuck in life with no way forward. I originally went to college straight out of high school and was extremely depressed. I suffered from severe social isolation, anxiety, basically the whole mental illness package and wanted to drop out and take a break but my family advised me against it. I somehow graduated with a degree even though it was a field I don't really care about. I got an ok job after graduating and started to feel better about myself and was starting to meet people then covid happened.
During covid I was laid off and thought it would be smart to take advantage of the unemployment benefits I had and everything being shut down to get a degree in Computer Science which is a field I actually am interested in but wasn't able to do my first go around in college. I even ended up getting an internship I really enjoyed at a place I couldn't have ever imagined working. Even though I was doing well academically for the first time in my life I did regress socially back to my old ways but I was able to ignore it since I at least was doing ok in other aspects in my life and I was able to convince myself when I graduate and get a job I will be able to take care of that part of my life again.
I graduated about a year ago and haven't been able to land any job that pays even close to the one that I had before covid or even as much as the unemployment benefits I received. I've had no relationships, no career, no fun experiences or memories. The last decade was supposed to be the most fun and memorable part of my life and I feel like I've spent all of it trying to survive. Whenever someone asks me what I've been up to I don't even have a response anymore. I want to be happy and participate in society in a meaningful way but it feels like I'm not allowed to get ahead. Trying to picture how to survive the next couple months let alone the rest of my life just fills me with so much dread and despair. Ive considered going on one big trip so at least I can have a good memorable experience to look back on even though I cant really afford it but I figured I already have so much debt at this point what does it matter.
Any advice from anyone that's been in a similar situation and found a way out would be greatly appreciated. If you would like more details about my situation feel free to message me. I feel kind of embarrassed typing this out even though this is an anonymous account. Thanks.
Jobadvisor:
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and vulnerable, and it's important for you to know that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Many people, especially in their late 20s and early 30s, go through periods of feeling lost, behind, and like they haven't achieved what they "should" have. The past few years have been particularly challenging for everyone, and it's completely understandable that you feel the way you do.
Let's break down some advice, drawing on what others have found helpful in similar situations.
1. Address the Mental and Emotional Side of Things
The feelings of dread and despair are powerful and can be paralyzing. It's crucial to address these head-on.
Reframe Your Perspective: The idea that the last decade "was supposed to be the most fun and memorable" is a societal narrative that can be very damaging. It's a myth. Life isn't a race with a fixed timeline. Many of the most successful and happy people didn't hit their stride until their 30s, 40s, or even later. Your journey is your own, and it's okay if it doesn't look like what you see on social media or in movies.
Stop the Comparison Trap: You mentioned that you don't have a response when people ask what you've been up to. This is often rooted in comparing your life to others. The truth is, you don't know what's going on behind the scenes for anyone else. They have their own struggles. Your focus needs to be on your own progress, not on how you measure up to a fictional timeline or someone else's highlight reel.
Focus on Small, Achievable Goals: The thought of "surviving the next couple of months, let alone the rest of my life" is overwhelming. Instead, focus on the next week, or even just today. What's one small thing you can do today that will make you feel a little bit better or move you forward? It could be applying to one more job, going for a walk, or reaching out to an old friend. These small wins build momentum and confidence.
Consider Professional Help: You've experienced significant depression and anxiety. It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. A therapist or counselor can provide you with tools to manage your mental health, work through feelings of isolation, and help you develop a healthier mindset. This is an investment in your well-being that can have a profound impact on every other area of your life.
2. Tackle the Career and Financial Challenges
The job market for computer science has been tough recently, and it's a field with rapid changes. Your frustration is completely valid.
Leverage Your Computer Science Degree: The fact that you have a CS degree and an internship at a place you enjoyed is a huge asset. It shows you have the skills and the interest. The current challenge might not be a reflection of your ability, but rather the competitive market.
Broaden Your Search: Don't limit yourself to just "software engineer" roles. Your first degree, combined with a CS background, makes you a unique candidate for roles like IT business analyst, data analyst, or even technical writing. Look for tech roles in non-tech industries (e.g., healthcare, finance, manufacturing), where competition might be different.
Build Your Portfolio: Since you're not currently working, use this time to build out a portfolio of personal projects. This is a powerful way to demonstrate your skills and passion to potential employers. You can contribute to open-source projects, create a personal website, or build a small application. This shows initiative and keeps your skills sharp.
Networking: This is probably the single most important thing you can do right now. Reach out to people on LinkedIn, especially those who work at companies you're interested in. Ask for informational interviews, not to ask for a job, but to learn about their career path, their company, and their field. This can lead to referrals and opportunities that aren't posted online.
Manage Your Financial Situation:
Student Loans: Don't let your debt paralyze you. Contact your loan servicer immediately to discuss your options. You may be eligible for an income-driven repayment (IDR) plan that can lower your monthly payments to as little as $0, depending on your income. Deferment and forbearance are also options for a temporary pause.
Budgeting: Create a realistic budget that accounts for your current income and debt. This will give you a sense of control and clarity, which can help reduce financial anxiety. The idea of taking a big trip is understandable, but it's important to build a foundation of financial stability first. A small, local trip or weekend getaway might be a more manageable way to have a memorable experience without adding to your debt.
3. Reconnect with Your Personal Life
You've identified the social isolation and lack of fun experiences as major pain points. You're right, these things are vital for a fulfilling life.
Start Small: Social anxiety is real, and it's not going to disappear overnight. The key is to start with low-pressure social situations.
Hobbies and Interests: Think about things you genuinely enjoy. Are there local clubs, meetups, or classes for those interests? This is a great way to meet people with shared passions, which makes conversation easier.
Volunteering: Volunteering is a fantastic way to give back to your community, which can provide a sense of purpose and meaning. It also puts you in a low-stakes social environment with people who share a common goal.
The Gym: Getting physically active can have a profound impact on your mental and physical health. It also provides a new environment where you can slowly build confidence and a routine.
Create Your Own Memories: The "big trip" idea comes from a good place—the desire for a memorable experience. You don't need to go into debt for it. What's a small, fun thing you can do for yourself this week? A hike, trying a new recipe, or exploring a new neighborhood in your city. Start creating your own list of small, positive experiences.
Your journey is not over. In fact, it seems like you've been building a foundation of resilience and skills that will serve you incredibly well in the future. The fact that you were able to get two degrees, including one you're passionate about, and secure a great internship during a period of immense personal struggle is a testament to your strength. You have so much more to offer than you realize. It's time to start being kinder to yourself and focusing on what you can control, one small step at a time.