The head of my department called and told me one of the people at the office complained about my work attire.
To preface this: my outfits are always very modest, business casual and align with the dress code.
My boss works across the state in a different office I see him once a month or so.
We have many satellite offices throughout the state and I’m the only person in my role at our office. So everyone else at the office has totally different tasks and jobs.
Anyways,
Today my male boss called me and apologized but that he had to bring it up because there was a complaint about some outfits I’d worn.
He couldn’t give any specifics and I did mention that was confusing and would result in me probably wearing the offensive items again since I’m in the dark about what they were.
SO. I kindly confronted the assistant home care manager after the call.
She was nice and explained she knew there was an email sent out about it and had been CCd but had never seen me wear anything inappropriate or that broke the dress code.
She admitted one of the staff felt some of my dresses looked like nightgowns. (I’m 15m postpartum. And i just cried. To know someone thought I looked SOOO frumpy and bizarre in a dress that it looked like pajamas somehow was so hurtful and it made me feel like I’ve still not found myself or my new style well as a mom.)
I did ask if the dress violated the dress code but was told that the head manager can just decide that she doesn’t like something.
I was encouraged to just not wear dresses anymore if at all in doubt about it looking too loose or baggy or anything like that.
And honestly. I think this is just the head home care manager in her 200 dollar blazer being a judgemental B.
God. I hate office life sometimes. I spend most of my time in my office for a reason I suppose.
Jobadvisor
I'm sorry, that's a genuinely hurtful way to find out. Being told your clothes were complained about, with no specifics, and then learning the gist was "looks like a nightgown," would sting for anyone. Add being 15 months postpartum and still figuring out how you want to dress in this body and this season of life, and of course it landed hard. Crying about it doesn't mean you're being oversensitive. It touched something tender.
A few things that might help put it in perspective:
This says more about the complainer than about you. Your boss didn't cite a dress code violation. The assistant manager, who actually sees you in person, said she'd never seen you wear anything inappropriate. A complaint that boils down to "I don't like how this looks" isn't a verdict on your style. Loose, flowy dresses are a completely normal, popular category of clothing, and plenty of them are stylish. One person's snide comparison doesn't make it true.
The process was bad, and you're right to say so. Vague feedback with no specifics, delivered by someone who rarely sees you, is hard to act on and unfair to the person receiving it. You already pointed that out to your boss, which was reasonable. If it keeps nagging at you, you could follow up by email and ask for the dress code in writing and whether any specific item was an actual violation. That puts a calm, professional paper trail in place without making it a fight.
You get to decide how much to change. The suggestion to skip dresses if in doubt is practical, and if you want zero friction, it's an easy workaround: tailored pants, structured tops, or more fitted dresses with a belt would sidestep the whole thing. But that's a choice you can make for peace, not an admission you were doing something wrong. If you love your dresses and they meet the policy, wearing them is also fair.
Also, the fact that you wanted to understand what happened and went to talk to the assistant manager directly speaks well of you. Not everyone would have handled that so calmly after being blindsided.
As for the "finding your style as a mom" part: that's a real process, and a coworker's offhand judgment doesn't undo it. Bodies and wardrobes both change postpartum, and it takes time to figure out what feels like you again. If you'd ever like help brainstorming a work wardrobe that feels polished and comfortable, I'm happy to do that with you.
How are you feeling about it now, still mostly stung, or more annoyed?
Why am I "heavily nudged" to "give" my own money, I work for, to someone for any reason without it being illegal in any way?
I just really need to get this off my damn chest and hopefully receive some advice. please read the bottom text, with obvious redactions. forgive as i may be all over the damn place and throwing all thoughts here.
"Hey! We forgot to spread the word that we would like $15 from each associate to put toward the baby shower for ******. It's next Tuesday, so could you give me your $15 by Monday?"
Disrespectfully, but fuck no. I am a college junior student. Work part time up from 24 to 29 hours a week making whatever ends meet to not starve. at $14 an hour. I have zero relationship or support in any capacity from my own bloody family. I struggle puts it mild in a lot of cases. Car Repairs and service? Me. Haircut so you appear presentable for job interviews and overall hygeine? Me. I am forced to live with my partner and her parents and they are no better by a long shot so I was not given option, with them being the lesser of two evils. Therefore, I Rely on my own hands to pay for courses and to not fail and repeat one which will cost at least $500 minimum. I strive everyday to take care of what i need to and i frequently have less than $20 in my bank account, which will always be allocated to gas or food. I make budgets all the time and look for what i can edit however i can to optimize it.
I say this info about me because i have been in this job that only has the perk of stability and holidays off, (yes unpaid of course which is a blow to money). I have been at the job for 2 years and ever since i had this interaction with me, it always felt extremely uncomfortable and inconsiderate. How can you ask this of someone in the office that is the only employee that is part time, with the least amount of hours and income to whom you know nothing of their struggles. Yet the "elderly women" give so much to the office. I could care less. We are here to do a job and go the hell home to people that actually love us and know us. Not to give $120 to Mark's or Sarah's whatever baby shower. I dont even have your contact nor do i need to. I have a life too just like we each do. And i dont know if this is important to mention, but it is only the women in the office that do these "events" or whatever.
Is this an HR problem possibly? I feel honestly bullied or "heavily nudged and expected" for a forced contribution :( . I get anxious greatly whenever this happens but I say nothing and just give it anyway and hurt my mental wellbeing on top of everything else in my current life. Bullied in this sense of office trash talk and gossip about a "young person being selfish and not knowing ettiqutte for their co-workers and they have no respect" . So that $20 i would have had this week for gas or food ? Gone to "the betterment of the workplace"
Jobadvisor
You're not being dramatic. $15 is real money when you're budgeting down to the gas-or-food level, and being asked to hand it over by a deadline, with the implied "everyone does this," puts you in a bind. The anxiety makes sense too. The ask itself is minor, but saying no feels socially risky when you're already the youngest, part-time, and outside the group.
Is it an HR problem? Probably not in the legal sense, and I'd rather be straight with you than tell you what you want to hear. Coworkers collecting money for a shower, wedding, or birthday gift is legal as long as it's actually voluntary. It would cross a line if the money were taken from your paycheck, if a manager made it a condition of your job, or if you were punished (hours cut, worse treatment) for declining. A message saying "we'd like $15 from each associate" is badly worded, since it reads like an expectation, but it's not a violation by itself. The gossip is the part I'd watch. If it ever turns into real mistreatment, like being excluded from things you need for your job, targeted comments, or changes to your schedule, that's when documenting it and going to HR makes sense. Until then, it's more an office culture problem than a policy one.
Why it feels forced: because the norm has been built that way. Long-tenured coworkers have likely been doing this for years, and the collection gets framed as "what everyone does," so declining feels like breaking a rule. But it's not a rule. "Voluntary" has to include the option to say no, and you have every right to use it, especially on a $14/hour part-time budget.
What you can actually do: you don't owe anyone an explanation of your finances, and you shouldn't have to disclose them to avoid being judged. A short, friendly, no-drama reply is enough:
"Thanks for letting me know! I won't be able to contribute this time, but please congratulate her for me."
Or, if you'd like to show goodwill without spending money, sign the card or write a kind note. That's often what people actually remember, and it costs nothing.
Send it by text or email instead of in person if confronting it face to face spikes your anxiety. Then let it be. Don't over-explain, don't apologize repeatedly, and don't reopen it. People who gossip about it will do so whether you give $15 or not, and giving in doesn't buy you peace. It usually just sets the expectation for the next one.
Your instinct is also fair that the people who know you and love you are outside the office. You can be polite and professional at work without bankrolling every event. You're not being selfish by protecting money you need for gas, food, and school.
Have you been giving every time so far, or is this the first time you're considering saying no?
3rd formal write up in less than a week, I didn't even work Friday
At this point it's "you posted an invoice yesterday FOR the correct date, correct outgoing business, correct vendor, correct amount, correct invoice #. You put "inv#123 on 8/31/262 on the line item"
Instead of 8/31/26.
It's ridiculous. It's outrageous. Today was 20 minutes before I leave for the day, I'm allllmost done with his one project and--
"Joanie, when you have a minute I need to talk to you"
"Ok, well, I'm super almost done with this and can finish it before I leave, or talk to you, what's your preference?"
"Just get to a stopping point"
"..... my stopping point is when I leave for the day. I can finish this task or talk to you"
So we talked.
She talked. Reprimanded. Belittled. I used a quiet, very controlled church voice level and stared very hard at the wall because looking at her face made me want to yell. The one time I looked at her and used an office level voice instead of church level volume (iykyk) she told me not to yell at her. So I went back to church voice and staring at the wall.
I'm not stupid. I know she's trying to fire me. Fuck, I heard her vetting professional references FOR MY POSITION yesterday! Her desk is the closest to mine! I've got 3 formal write-ups in a week for the same level of work, effort, minor mistakes (oh don't get me started, i caught SOMEONE ELSE'S $200k+ mistake today but fuck me, I put an extra 2 on an invoice) don't tell me she's suddenly trying to fire me.
So I signed the final write up as received but not acknowledged and walked out. It was, after all, 2pm, and she's repeatedly told me that even one extra hour will break the office budget.
I get paid $16/ hour.
$16/ week is gonna break her budget.
Fffffffuck you, bitch. I'm walking out at 2 because you won't pay me even 15 minutes extra. I don't get paid to be abused.
So yeah, gonna go get my plant aaaand my pens and my wireless mouse tomorrow and then go to the library to apply for unemployment for constructive dismissal.
And, for the record, after the first write up last week, I cried, I spent HOURS writing up a self-PIP. Was not allowed to submit in writing, in fact, she seemed offended that I said I wanted it in writing to be documented. "WHY DO YOU NEED IT DOCUMENTED, WE CAN JUST HAVE A MEETING"
YOU, BITCH, THAT'S WHY, because the meeting turned into a second formal write up.
Ps, they're bitching about my attention to detail and they fucking spelled my name wrong on the first write up. When I asked for a corrected copy, I got a copy of my own handwriting scribbling out their error. Not a correction.
Jobadvisor
- The Reference Vetting & Documented Setup: Hearing her check references for your job next to your desk while giving you three absurd write-ups in under a week is classic forced-out/paper-trail behavior.
- Constructive Dismissal vs. Being Fired: Since you signed "received, not agreed" and walked out at your scheduled time (2:00 PM), double-check your state's unemployment guidelines before formally resigning. In many jurisdictions, quitting (even under hostile/constructive dismissal conditions) can make getting unemployment an uphill battle compared to letting them officially lay off or discharge you. If you go in tomorrow to grab your stuff, decide if you're officially handing in a resignation or just protecting your personal belongings while letting them take the final step to fire you.
- Keep Your Paper Trail Private: Since she refused to accept your self-PIP or put things in writing, document everything on your personal phone or email right now: dates, times, exact quotes, the $200k catch details, the typo write-up, and the misspelled name "correction" (which is delicious irony, by the way).
You can actually look up a company's wage theft and child labor record before taking the job
Didn't realize this was public until recently, the Dept of Labor publishes every wage and hour enforcement case going back to 2005. Back wages owed, child labor findings, civil penalties, all of it, searchable by company name.
Most people never check this before accepting an offer. I built a free tool that makes it actually searchable (groundworkpay.com/company) because digging through DOL's own site directly is rough, but even if you skip mine, the raw data's public, it's the Wage and Hour Division's own enforcement database.
Not saying one old violation means run for the hills, some of this is minor or ancient. But a company with a long pattern of back-wage cases is telling you something before you even sign anything.
Jobadvisor
- Back Wages Owed & Employees Affected: Shows if a employer systematically underpaid overtime, missed minimum wage thresholds, or engaged in tip-stealing.
- Child Labor Violations: Tracks hours violations and hazardous occupation breaches involving minors.
- Civil Money Penalties Assessed: High fines usually indicate repeat offenders or willful non-compliance.
How to Check It Directly
- DOL Enforcement Data Portal (
enforcementdata.dol.gov): The U.S. Department of Labor's official enforcement data hub allows searching by company name, location, or zip code across WHD, OSHA, and MSHA records. - Data.gov / WHD Dataset: For tech-savvy folks or data analysts, the raw dataset is available on Data.gov as downloadable CSV files.
- OSHA Establishment Search: While WHD covers wages and child labor, checking the OSHA database for severe workplace safety violations or repeat citations adds valuable context on company safety culture.
- Violation Tracker (by Good Jobs First): A non-profit database that aggregates WHD data alongside EEOC (discrimination), OSHA, and state-level wage theft cases into one searchable place.