Career advice for a dad ?
So I m 37 male married with a 4 year kid living in a third world country with an active civil war .
I worked as a digital marketing head for a few years in a small agency and worked as a digital marketing manager for big corporates earlier.
Since 2024, I quit the digital job and started vibe coding. I have a bachelor in computer science but the third world country education.
I vibe coded a clinical app (now used by 60+ midwives daily to register their patient, have some clinical alerts and have dashboard and reports according to government format) .
I also vibe coded an app for the former digital agency that I am head of . They use it daily for attendance and task mgmt including finance and cash requests.
Recently, I also vibe coded a pos app for my sister electrical retail shop and they been using it ever since.
This week , my client asked for major upgrades in the clinical app including big backend changes and possibly switching to local server instead of Firestore I m currently using. Then I realized how much I didn't know about my app and the knowledge to do those.
My question is , at this point, should I follow the software engineer route and study from zero?
Should I re pursue digital marketing career and try and get a job in other SEA county?
I am lost.
Jobadvisor
Okay, first — take a breath. What you're describing isn't "lost," it's someone who accidentally built a small dev career while thinking he was just solving problems, and is now hitting the first real wall. That's a good problem to have, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.
Let me push back gently on the framing of your question. You're treating this as a binary: "become a real software engineer from zero" vs "go back to marketing." I don't think either extreme is the right move.
You're not starting from zero. In under two years, with no formal training, you built and shipped three production systems that real people depend on daily — a clinical app used by 60+ midwives with government-format reporting, an internal ops/finance tool for an agency, a POS system for a retail shop. Most computer science graduates never ship anything a stranger relies on. That is a genuinely rare and valuable portfolio. The gap you hit this week (backend architecture, database migration, server infra) isn't evidence you're a fraud — it's evidence you've outgrown "vibe coding" and need to backfill specific, targeted knowledge. That's a normal stage, not a reason to restart.
Going back to formal CS study "from zero" would be the wrong tool for this problem. You don't need four years of theory — you need to get competent, fairly quickly, in a narrow set of things: backend fundamentals, relational/local database design, server deployment and security, and how to architect for reliability (this matters a lot for a clinical app people's health workflows depend on). That's a 6–12 month focused effort, not a degree.
A concrete way to handle the client's request right now: don't try to solo the Firestore-to-local-server migration while learning backend architecture for the first time on a live clinical system with real patient data. That's high stakes to learn on. Instead, consider hiring a contract/freelance backend or DevOps engineer for this specific migration, and work alongside them — review their decisions, ask why, pair on it. You'll learn more in a few weeks of doing this with an expert on a real system than in months of solo tutorials, and your client's app stays safe in the meantime.
On the marketing pivot — it's a legitimate option, not a downgrade. You have real, provable management experience there too. If the driving issue is actually safety and stability for your family given the civil war, and less about which craft you love, then optimizing for remote work that gets you and your family somewhere stable might matter more than which title is on your resume. Both digital marketing and software development have solid remote/other-country job markets; marketing roles are arguably easier to get quickly since your track record there is more conventional and verifiable.
A few honest questions worth sitting with, since they'll point you toward the right answer more than I can from outside:
- Do you actually enjoy building software, or did you fall into it out of necessity? That matters more than which pays slightly more.
- Is your top priority right now speed-to-stability (income, relocation, safety) or long-term career direction? Those can call for different first moves.
- Could you do both in parallel for a while — keep the freelance dev work + these three clients as income while quietly job-hunting in marketing in another SEA country, and only commit fully once you see which door opens first?
You don't have to solve "who am I professionally" this month. You have to solve "how do I responsibly handle this client's request" and "how do I get more stability for my family." Those are answerable now; the identity question can resolve itself over the next year.
How do you train yourself to stop oversharing at work? Especially when people ask personal questions
I’ve realised I have a habit of saying too much at work.
It’s not that I’m sharing anything wildly inappropriate — I’m just naturally open, conversational, and quite quick to answer people when they ask me questions. Then afterwards I’ll think, why did I tell them all of that? They really didn’t need to know that.
I’m trying to become a lot more intentional and polished professionally, especially around personal questions. I don’t want to become cold or guarded, but I’d like to learn how to answer things warmly without automatically giving the full story.
For example, if someone asks about my relationship, family, weekend, why I was off, where I’m going, what I think about another colleague, etc., I want to be able to give a pleasant two-sentence answer rather than somehow finding myself five minutes later giving them the director’s cut.
I’m especially interested in hearing from anyone who has had media training, executive coaching, PR training, diplomacy training, or similar, because I imagine a huge part of that is learning how to answer the question you’re comfortable answering rather than feeling obliged to answer exactly what you’ve been asked.
Are there techniques you use in the moment? Stock phrases? Ways of redirecting? Rules you’ve made for yourself about what you simply never discuss at work?
And for anyone who used to be a chronic oversharer and changed — how did you actually train yourself out of it?
I want to keep my personality and still be friendly/open, just with much better boundaries and a stronger professional filter.
Jobadvisor
The Executive & PR Frameworks
- Before (The Director's Cut): "Why was I off? Oh, my pipes burst and the landlord was being super difficult, so I had to wait around for three hours..."
- After (Headline + Handoff): "Just dealing with some mundane house maintenance stuff! All sorted now though. How was your Tuesday?"
- Question: "What do you think about [Colleague]'s presentation/behavior?"
- Bridge: "They definitely have a very distinct style! Right now I'm just focused on getting our portion of the project across the finish line—have you had a chance to review page 3 yet?"
- Safe: "My partner and I are heading to the coast for a quick weekend reset."
- Overshare: "We’ve been really stressed lately so we’re trying to get away and reconnect."
In-the-Moment Techniques
- The 3-Second Breath Pause: Force yourself to take a full breath before responding. Oversharing usually happens in the immediate, unfiltered space right after a question is asked.
- The "Two-Sentence Cap": Make a strict personal rule: Sentence 1 answers the high-level question; Sentence 2 asks a question back or moves the conversation forward. Stop talking the moment Sentence 2 leaves your mouth.
- Reframing Silence: Oversharers often fill comfortable silence because they mistake it for awkwardness. Let the other person speak next, even if there's a 2-second lag.
Boundaries & Non-Negotiable Rules
| Topic Category | Safe Response (Warm & Vague) | Strict Boundary (Do Not Share) |
| Absences / Sick Days | "I was out under the weather," or "Taking care of some personal errands." | Specific symptoms, diagnoses, or family drama. |
| Colleagues / Gossip | "Everyone brings different strengths," or "I prefer to let them handle their area." | Personal opinions on someone's work ethic, character, or intelligence. |
| Relationships / Family | "Things are good, keeping busy!" or "Family is doing well, thanks for asking." | Relationship friction, financial stress, extended family politics. |
| Weekends / Vacations | "Just relaxing and catching up on sleep/hobbies." | Intimate details, heavy partying, or personal conflicts. |
How to Retrain Your Instincts
- Practice Scripting Out Loud: When you are alone, practice answering common questions ("How was your weekend?", "Any fun plans?") in under 10 seconds. Build the muscle memory of short answers.
- Track Your "Wins": Every time you catch yourself giving a two-sentence answer and stopping, consciously acknowledge it. The habit breaks through intentional repetition.
- Remember: Vagueness is Warmth: Being vague isn't cold; it leaves room for the other person to talk. People generally prefer talking about themselves over hearing the long details of someone else's day.
What do you do when the manager you reported for unethical behavior returns after several month suspension?
Worked on a small team; my colleague broke the law, and when I reported it to my manager, she asked me to help cover it up. I escalated to senior management, the colleague who broke the law was disappeared the same day, and the manager who tried to cover it up disappeared a week later. Neither senior management or HR provided any updates after I filed the complaint. I didn’t know at the time if they were fired, permitted to resign, or suspended.
The colleague who broke the law is no longer appearing in company communication channels or contact lists as of a few weeks ago. The manager was still appearing as of last Friday.
On Friday, members of our team were notified by their new manager that the old manager would be returning Monday. I was not contacted. So I can only guess the manager was suspended for six months. They will likely be my manager’s manager due to some restructuring in our office.
In short, my boss’s boss got disappeared for around 6 months due to a complaint I made, but will be back tomorrow morning.
As I type this, I know the answer. I’m done. So I guess this is just me saying hi. But if anyone has any advice, I’m open to it.
Thanks!
Jobadvisor
This is a genuinely hard spot to be in, and it makes sense you're feeling like you already know the answer. Let me lay out what I'd actually think through before you act on that instinct, because "I'm done" and "walk out tomorrow" are different decisions with different consequences for you.
Before you do anything dramatic:
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Talk to an employment lawyer, even briefly. You made a report about illegal conduct, and depending on your jurisdiction and industry, you may have whistleblower protections. If this person becomes your skip-level manager and retaliates in any way — bad reviews, being sidelined, eventually pushed out — you want to have documented that timeline from day one, not reconstruct it later. A consult is often free or cheap and costs you an hour.
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Document everything now, while it's fresh. Dates, who told you what, the fact you were never updated, the fact your teammates were told before you. Not to build a case necessarily — just so you have it if you need it.
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Consider going back to HR/senior management with a direct question before Monday, something like: "I understand [name] is returning and may be in my reporting chain. Given that I was the one who reported the original issue, can you tell me what safeguards are in place?" Their answer — or non-answer — tells you a lot. A company that handled this well will have an answer ready. One that just quietly reinstated the person without a plan for you is telling you something too.
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Separate the two decisions. Whether you want to keep working there at all is one question. Whether you leave abruptly tomorrow vs. give notice and leave on your terms while job-searching is another. The second one protects your income and your reference chain even if the first answer is "no, I'm out."
If what you actually want right now is just to have said it out loud to someone — that's fair too, and for what it's worth: reporting illegal conduct when it would've been easier to stay quiet took some backbone. The fact that the fallout landed on you instead of them isn't a reflection of that.
Is the educational qualification/degree always verified during BGV?
Need advice from HR / Recruitment / Background Verification professionals
I recently got a job with a very good company, but I’m now extremely worried about the background verification (BGV) process.
I made a mistake on my CV and stated that I am a graduate, although I do not actually have a graduation degree. A graduation degree was listed as a mandatory requirement for the role, which is why I’m particularly concerned.
That said, I have more than 10 years of relevant experience in the hospitality industry. I understand the work thoroughly, take my job very seriously, and have always been confident in my ability to perform. In fact, I have been doing very well in my career and have often performed at the same level as, or better than, people with formal degrees.
My concern is that the actual job itself is highly experience- and skill-based, and the degree doesn't have much relevance to the day-to-day responsibilities. I was hired based on my overall experience and capabilities, and I’m currently doing well in the new role.
Now that the company is conducting BGV, I’m anxious about whether they will specifically verify my graduation degree.
I’d really appreciate responses from HR professionals, recruiters, hiring managers, or people working for BGV/background verification companies:
- Is the educational qualification/degree always verified during BGV?
- If the degree was mandatory on paper but the candidate has 10+ years of highly relevant experience, does that make any difference?
- How do companies generally handle a discrepancy between what was mentioned on the CV and the actual educational qualification?
- Is it possible for a company to verify employment history but not education?
- If the degree is found to be missing, is rejection/termination automatic, or does it depend on the company's policy?
I completely understand that putting an incorrect qualification on my CV was a mistake, and I take responsibility for it. I’m not looking for judgment — I’m genuinely anxious and would like to understand what I should realistically expect during BGV.
Would especially appreciate responses from people who actually work in HR, recruitment, or BGV.
Jobadvisor
I can walk through how this generally works, but I want to be upfront: I can't tell you the odds of not getting caught, and I don't think that's actually the useful question here. Let me answer what I can factually.
Is education always verified? Not always, but it's extremely common when a degree is listed as a mandatory qualification for the role. BGV agencies (like First Advantage, HireRight, AuthBridge, SpringVerify in India, etc.) typically verify whatever fields are flagged as "critical" by the employer — and a mandatory degree requirement almost always gets flagged. Education checks involve contacting the university/board directly or checking through databases like DigiLocker/National Academic Depository in India, so they're not easily bypassed the way some people assume.
Does 10+ years of relevant experience offset a missing degree? Not in the verification process itself — BGV is a factual check, not a judgment call. It doesn't weigh your competence. Where experience can matter is afterward, if HR chooses to discuss the discrepancy with you rather than auto-reject — some companies do consider strong performance and experience when deciding next steps. But that's discretionary and varies hugely by company culture, industry, and how strict their compliance policies are.
Can a company verify employment but skip education? Yes, this happens, but usually not by chance — it's either because the role doesn't list a degree as mandatory (not your case) or because the employer only pays for a limited check package. If a degree was a stated requirement, most standard BGV packages will include it by default.
What happens if a discrepancy is found? This is the part that varies most. It depends on the company's internal policy:
- Some have zero-tolerance rules where any CV misrepresentation leads to offer withdrawal or termination, regardless of performance.
- Others distinguish between "misrepresentation" (lying) and "error" (unintentional), and stating a degree you don't have is generally treated as the former.
- Some HR teams do escalate to the hiring manager first, especially if the person is already performing well — but this is not something you can count on.
I'd also gently push back on one framing: this isn't really about whether the degree matters for the job. It's that you represented something false on a document your employment offer was based on, and most BGV/compliance policies treat that as a trust and integrity issue separately from job fit — that's usually why these clauses exist regardless of role relevance.
If you want practical next steps rather than odds: some people in your position proactively disclose to HR before BGV flags it, since how you handle it can matter more than the mistake itself — but that's a judgment call only you can make given your specific company's culculture, and I can't tell you how it'll land.