Families pass down plenty of useful guidance—“be honest,” “treat others well.” But as the author of *Managing Up* and an executive coach to leaders at organizations including Google, Amazon, and NATO, I’ve seen how well-intentioned career advice absorbed in childhood can quietly work against you.
None of these “rules” came from a bad place. They simply reflect a more stable workplace that rewarded loyalty. That world no longer exists.
Here are five ideas that may have been drilled into you growing up—and what to do instead.
1. “Don’t get too big for your britches”
Staying humble matters. No one wants to work with a colleague who claims every success. Listening before asserting yourself can also prevent unnecessary conflict.
Taken too far, though, modesty makes you invisible. To avoid seeming arrogant, you might default to “It was all a team effort” even when your contributions were decisive, or stay silent about a win because it feels like bragging.
Leaders aren’t mind readers. They promote and assign high-visibility work to the people whose results they can see and who clearly signal interest.
**What to do instead:** In your next one-on-one, ask what’s coming in the next quarter. Then offer yourself as a resource—to lead a meeting, draft a proposal, or take on a specific piece of the work. You solve a problem for your manager while gaining exposure.
2. “Always be grateful for the opportunity”
You may have heard versions like “Just be grateful you have a job” or “You’re lucky to be there.” In an era of layoffs and tough job markets, it’s easy to treat this as absolute truth.
The downside is that you start accepting the bare minimum as generosity. You may take a lower title or salary rather than negotiate, or stay in a role you dislike out of fear.
Gratitude and self-advocacy can coexist. You deserve to be compensated for the value you deliver.
**What to do instead:** Shift from describing tasks to highlighting outcomes—while still expressing appreciation. Instead of “I coordinated with two departments,” try: “It was great to work across sales and engineering. With the new feature request process, we unlocked $100,000 in revenue.”
3. “Just keep the peace”
Your parents likely wanted to protect you from conflict and help you build positive relationships. But “keeping the peace” can slide into people-pleasing—especially for women. You may suppress opinions or over-accommodate so others stay comfortable.
Silence allows weak ideas and problematic behavior to take root. Excessive agreeableness can also signal a lack of conviction to decision-makers, limiting your advancement.
Credibility is built in hard conversations. People respect those who can push back on an idea without making it personal.
**What to do instead:** Learn to speak up diplomatically. Reset a boundary clearly. If you’ve been carrying a process that properly belongs to a peer, say: “While I can’t own this end-to-end, I’ll put together full documentation so your team can take it over.”
4. “Do your job well and everything else will fall into place”
When your parents were advancing, strong technical skills were often enough. Today they remain essential—but they no longer set you apart on their own.
Top performers pair expertise with political awareness. They regularly ask: Who knows my work, and how much do they trust me?
**What to do instead:** Turn neutral colleagues into allies invested in your success. Before pushing an idea, invite key decision-makers to shape it—through a short survey, feedback on a draft, or introductions. People who help create the plan feel greater ownership of both the outcome and of you.
5. “Figure it out yourself”
Self-reliance can build initiative, resourcefulness, and accountability. But if you treat asking for help as weakness, you’ll burn out solving everything alone. Over time, extreme reliability can stall your growth: leaders hesitate to promote you because no one can replace you.
**What to do instead:** When you need input, make your preparation visible: “After researching, I’ve narrowed it to X and Y. My recommendation is X because [reason]. What’s your take?”
And when someone brings you a problem, ask questions before jumping in to fix it—“What have you tried so far?” or “What options are you considering?” This develops their capability instead of their dependence on you.
These shifts don’t require abandoning the values your parents taught you. They simply update those values to reflect how the workplace actually operates today.