“Trans friendly workplace” just means they won’t call you a slur
The hospital system I work at always brags publicly about being LGBTQ+ friendly. They also preach about the value of DEI constantly and have an LGBTQ+ employee support group. But behind all of the smoke and mirrors, trans employees are fucking miserable. You want to change your preferred name in the system? Oh hell no! I came out at work and I have been fighting tooth and nail to get my display name changed for 2 weeks but HR says they can’t help me and IT says they can’t help me. A cis person named Steve wants to be called Billy Bob and teams will update ASAP! Urgent matter!! Name badge will be on expedited same day fucking delivery. But a trans employee wants a male name instead of the female name they were assigned at birth and people act like this is the first time they have ever seen it happen and say “sorry, nothing we can do”. The IT girl was shocked when I said that my preferred name was actually a preferred FIRST name instead of a preferred last name. You know what’s shocking? The fact that people can even have a preferred last name. It’s not like I’m going by some bizarre name like Naruto Dorito. I’ve been going by this name for 6 years outside of work in like every sector of life. Like holy fucking shit.
Jobadvisor
It is incredibly exhausting to be dangling in corporate limbo like this, especially when the organization loves to pat itself on the back publicly for being an "inclusive ally."
What you are describing is a textbook case of "rainbow washing"—where leadership loves the optics of DEI initiatives and support groups, but refuses to do the actual backend IT and HR infrastructure work required to support trans employees.
Your frustration is 100% justified. It is downright insulting to watch a cis coworker get a nickname approved in five minutes while you are forced to fight "tooth and nail" just to have your basic identity respected at work.
The Reality Behind the "System" Excuse
When HR and IT pass the buck back and forth, they are usually hiding behind one of two things: laziness, or poorly integrated legacy software.
The Legal vs. Preferred Name Disconnect: HR does need your legal name for payroll, taxes, and healthcare benefits. However, there is absolutely no legal reason why your display name on Microsoft Teams, internal emails, or your physical badge cannot be changed to your preferred name.
The "Billy Bob" Double Standard: The fact that "Steve" can become "Billy Bob" instantly proves that the technology is capable of making the switch. The roadblock isn't the software; it's corporate incompetence and a lack of formalized policy for trans staff.
How to Force Their Hand
Since playing nice and asking politely hasn't worked for two weeks, it’s time to change tactics. Here is how you can cut through the corporate bureaucracy:
Loop in the DEI/Employee Support Group: You mentioned the hospital has an LGBTQ+ employee support group. Reach out to the leadership of that group immediately. Tell them exactly what is happening. If the hospital wants to brag about this group, make the group work for you. They often have a direct line to higher-up HR directors who can bypass low-level bureaucratic stall tactics.
Create a Single Paper Trail: Stop calling them. Put everything in an email to both your HR representative and the IT help desk ticket.
"Per our previous conversations, I am requesting that my internal display name (Teams, email, directory) and name badge be updated to [Preferred Name]. As we have successfully accommodated nickname updates for other employees' first names within the system, I know the technical capability exists. Being forced to display a deadname is impacting my day-to-day work environment. Please let me know who has the administrative authority to approve this adjustment so we can resolve this."
Frame it as a Privacy/Safety Issue: In a hospital system, having your legal name and preferred name misaligned on internal systems can lead to accidental outings to patients or random staff members, which can become a workplace safety issue. HR departments tend to move a lot faster when they realize their inaction is creating liability.
You shouldn't have to become an activist just to exist comfortably at your job, and it sucks that you're being forced into this position. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking this is a "hard tech problem." They have the buttons; they just need to be forced to press them.
My manager keeps asking the rest of the team to do her work for her. How can we bring this up to her professionally?
My manager was promoted to lead out our team last year. She began at the same level as me and my fellow team of four and is now expected to split her time partially for managerial duties and partially still actually doing the day-to-day work we were all hired to do.
Over the past few months, she has been offloading more and more of her own work onto the rest of the team and we are all frustrated and fed up with it, as we all already have double her workload to maintain. Our work is also structured as such that we each support certain members of our leadership team, so it's not a matter of framing this as revamping our workflow — whatever work that needs to be done for a specific leader is automatically delegated to the member of our team assigned to them.
We can all see the amount of work each of us has to manage at one time in our project management software and oftentimes she doesn't have a significant amount to do, so it doesn't make sense for her to be handing off her assignments. I understand if she has a lot of managerial work to do, but that doesn't seem to be the case and she isn't flagging that to us if so.
It seems to be her own time management issue as she even asked if someone could turn around a project for a deadline in two days because she had failed to start it, despite knowing about it for at least a week in advance (we all declined and I guess she just did it herself).
I believe we should bring it forward as a full team so that she can see that it isn't just one of us feeling the increased workload, but I am afraid us talking to her as a group might also make her defensive. I also want to bring this up with her first rather than bringing this to her supervisor.
TLDR: My manager keeps making the rest of the team pick up her work for her; how do we, as a team, professionally speak to her about this so that we can better focus on our own work?
Jobadvisor
That is an incredibly frustrating spot to be in. It’s tough enough managing a heavy workload, but watching a peer-turned-manager pass the buck because of poor planning is a recipe for team burnout.
It’s highly commendable that you want to give her the professional courtesy of addressing this directly before escalating to her supervisor. You are also spot-on with your instinct: approaching a manager as a united front can easily look like an ambush, which will almost certainly trigger defensiveness.
To get your point across effectively without starting a turf war, you need to shift the conversation from what she is doing wrong to how it impacts the team's capacity.
Here is a strategic blueprint for how your team can handle this professionally.
1. The Strategy: Divide and Concur (Instead of an Ambush)
Instead of a 4-on-1 intervention, use a staggered, unified approach. When multiple team members independently flag the exact same issue using the exact same professional language, a pattern becomes undeniable without feeling like a gang-up.
Step 1: Agree as a team on the boundaries and the language you will use.
Step 2: Have each team member raise the issue individually during their next 1-on-1 or via email when a task is handed off.
Step 3: If she fails to see the pattern, then you schedule a collective meeting, framing it strictly as a "Team Capacity and Workflow Review."
2. The Scripting: Framing the Pushback
When she tries to offload work, the response shouldn't be "This is your job." It should be: "I do not have the capacity to take this on without sacrificing my core responsibilities."
Because your team uses project management software, you have data on your side. Use it.
Scenario A: The Individual Pushback (During 1-on-1s or Handoffs)
The Script: "I noticed you routed the [Project Name] over to me. Looking at my current queue for [Assigned Leader's Name], my plate is entirely full with [Task X] and [Task Y] this week. If I take this on, I'm worried the quality or deadlines for my core stakeholders will slip. Since this falls under your assignment block, I won't be able to absorb it right now."
Scenario B: If She Pushes Back / Claims She's Busy
The Script: "I understand we are all juggling a lot. Since our workflows are tied directly to specific leaders, adding outside projects compromises the support they rely on. Can we look at the project management board together? If I need to take this on, we’ll need to decide which of my assigned leader's current tasks we are going to delay or drop to make room for it."
3. The Group Approach (If Individual Pushback Fails)
If individual pushback doesn't work, schedule a team meeting. To prevent her from getting defensive, pivot the focus to data, predictability, and team health.
Don't say: "You are giving us your work and your time management is bad."
Do say: "We've noticed a trend of last-minute, unassigned tasks entering our queues, and we want to align on capacity planning so we don't drop the ball for our leaders."
Structure the Meeting Like This:
| Meeting Phase | What to Say / Do |
| The Opening | "We wanted to connect as a group to talk about team capacity. Over the last few months, we've hit a wall with ad-hoc tasks being shifted around, and we want to make sure we're protecting our core metrics." |
| The Data Present | Bring up the project management software. "Right now, the four of us are averaging [X] tasks per week. When urgent, 48-hour turnarounds get added on top of that, it creates a bottleneck." |
| The Boundary | "Moving forward, we need to establish a rule that our individual queues are locked for our assigned leaders. If tasks outside that scope need coverage, we need a formal process to review if anyone actually has the bandwidth before it's assigned." |
4. The Golden Rule: Hold the Line
You mentioned that when she dropped a two-day deadline on the team, you all declined, and she ended up doing it herself. That is a massive win.
She did it herself because her bluff was called. Managers with poor time management will naturally look for the path of least resistance. If your team consistently, politely, and collectively becomes a wall of "No, because of my current capacity," she will be forced to adapt her own habits.
Note on Escalation: If you try these steps and she pulls rank, forces the work on you anyway, or retaliates, you have officially done your due diligence. At that point, you take your project management data to her supervisor and frame it as a operational risk: Our team is burning out and our assigned leaders are going to suffer because managerial tasks are being forced into our queues.
I’m 17 and I’ve been stuck between nursing and business for a while now. I’m trying to figure out what kind of life I want. What I know about myself is that I want to be financially stable. I want to own a home someday, have a car, travel, enjoy my hobbies, and not constantly worry about money. I like clothes, shoes, being outdoors, and spending time with friends and family. I want a career that allows me to enjoy life outside of work and inside.
I want to be a RN because it seems like a secure career with a clear path. I like the idea of helping people, interacting with patients, working in healthcare, being part of a medical team. Healthcare has interested me. I’m afraid of the stress, burnout, always need me, holidays, being on call, overtime, and the possibility of feeling overwhelmed.
At the same time, I'm interested in business, especially finance, accounting, and maybe information systems. I like numbers, money, entrepreneurship, and the fact that business can lead to many different careers. My concerns with business are that it feels less certain, I hear stories about people struggling to find jobs after graduation, needing to network constantly, or ending up underemployed and not knowing which business path I’d choose.
One of my biggest priorities is work-life balance. I know every job has stress, but I don't want work to consume my entire life. I want timer for myself, my future family, friends, hobbies, and just living life. I don't want to feel exhausted every day for years on end.
I’d appreciate any advice or insight on how were your experiences and what i should do. Thank you
Jobadvisor
| Feature | Registered Nurse (RN) | Corporate Business (Finance/Tech/Acct) |
|---|---|---|
| Job Security | Extremely High; instant employment | Moderate to High; depends on networking & major |
| Workplace | Hospitals, clinics, physical environment | Offices, corporate buildings, remote/WFH |
| Shift Style | Compressed (3 long days, 4 days off) | Standard (5 structured days, weekends off) |
| Stress Type | Physical & Emotional (Life-or-death) | Mental & Deadlines (Projects, revenue) |
| Income Growth | Steady, but hits a ceiling early | Slower start, but unlimited potential |
My mom told me my boss doesn't like me and I didn't know, I'm autistic, what do I do?
I've worked under my current boss's lateral for several years, and this entire time I thought she was a really nice person, albeit a bit of a corporate gaslighter. It turns out I was wrong, she has been diabolically mean to a bunch of coworkers, almost like flavor of the quarter who is she going to make miserable. I was explaining the situation at hand to my mom and was explaining how my boss seems to have a special interest in autistic people and it's weird. After listening she told me my boss HATES me because she has been messing with me for over two years and hasn't been able to get a rise out of me. She said it's gone completely over my head. My mind is spinning, I am in shock and I'd like to know if reddit thinks she is right. And what should I do?
I'm in my 40s working in a complex job, male dominated sector for one of the largest 500 companies in the US. Boss is a bit older than me and a female. She seems SO NICE, but I think now that she might be a sociopath? I don't know what to think honestly. She constantly tells me how she wants to support me but then she does this stuff that isn't in alignment with what she says. She is an incredibly dynamic individual, very brilliant, a total star in client interactions, and super professional and by the book with everything she does. Or at least that's what she presents.
This entire time I thought she weirdly liked autistic people UNTIL she forced me into a position where I had to come out as autistic to all my coworkers earlier this year. After that, people started talking to me about her because they saw I was really struggling with the situation, it was frankly traumatic and embarrassing.
My former boss quit the end of last year and they were going to backfill her role. I KNEW I could kill it in that role and I've been asking for a promotion for years. So I went to my current boss and told her I was going to apply. She tells me I'm not going to be considered by upper management because of my bad relationships with the Sales team. Which was crazy to me because as far as I knew we all got along and some of us are even friends! I was so distraught to hear they actually all had issues with me. I asked if she could facilitate some one on one conversations so I could mend bridges, she said no. I requested she talk to them and tell them that I communicate differently and sometimes I unintentionally upset people but that's NEVER my intention and they can feel free to talk to me direct if they are upset about a communication, she said no. Every option I brought up was a no and she said it was up to me to figure out how to resolve the issue WITHOUT HAVING A CONVERSATION with my coworkers because they feel uncomfortable talking to me.
I knew I had to fix it to be considered for the role, and I really love working with this group of people, so the only resolution was to come out to the group at large as autistic and ask for their forgiveness and some grace. It was horrible, I was beyond embarrassed to send that email. BUT next thing I know my phone is blowing up and they are all asking why I would send that, I find out NOBODY had complained about me, they all love me and I was repeatedly told they couldn't do their job without me. I was crushed that she lied just so I wouldn't apply for this job. THEN they didn't even post that job! They posted a similar higher role and she told me they were only going to consider external candidates so no point in my applying! She put me through all of this for nothing.
Next people start opening up to me about things she has done to them. Diabolical shit. But she was gone for a few months on FMLA and we all got a break. I thought when she got back she would be different because she was going through some stuff but it's like she had MORE ENERGY to be a devious Ahole.
It's confusing as hell because she seems to genuinely care about people, tries to connect on hobbies, but I've also seen her tell lies, and she is the most convincing liar I've ever met in my life. She's always told me she is my biggest cheerleader and advocate and my mom says I've been snowed this entire time. Below is a list of things that have happened, I need to know, has this woman hated me this entire time? And if so, what the heck do I do? This isn't just a job, it's my career. I love my job, my clients, my coworkers. I don't want to leave but now I feel like I'm stuck in an abusive relationship. I have moments where I'm mad and want to call lawyers but I just want to do my job, not blow it up.
When I told her about my diagnosis as autistic a few years back, she asked if I needed any accommodations, I told her not really because I was a remote worker, but the one thing I really needed was for somebody else to file my expense reports. The system is horrible and I have anxiety attacks every time I try to file something so most of the time I don't even get reimbursed. She told me no and that I could do a zoom with my other boss at the time as a 'body double'. I explained the panic attacks and it was embarrassing and she said it would probably be fine. It wasn't, so I just eat the cost on things unless its a hotel stay or plane ticket.
She likes to tell me about shows like Extraordinary Attorney Woo and Elsbeth and says I should watch them. No thank you, I'm not a caricature of a person and I don't want to watch it either. And I don't like Elsbeth, WHY IS SHE CARRYING THREE PURSES??? My mom says this is passive aggressive.
She compliments me in childlike ways which I just always thought was weird, my mom told me she's trying to get a rise out of me. Such as calling me a unicorn, a shining star, a special creature, a secret weapon, and other weird crap.
My remote work status was removed and then I had to get an accommodation to work from home. She told me I didn't do the required paperwork and I was issued a return to work order and made it seem like I was in trouble with management. I sorted that out.
She forwarded me an email from the head of the department saying if people wanted to work from home then our company didn't fit their lifestyle and they should go someplace else, and then told me it didn't apply to me because I had an accommodation. But it still made me feel like I didn't belong.
Then they removed my accommodation a few months ago and issued me a return to work order 1 day and after 90 days 3+ days. I KNOW she had a say in it because the manager has to cosign these accommodations. I pushed back, it went to HR Legal and they just changed me to a fully remote employee again.
At a conference this year I was supposed to be in the hotel with the rest of my coworkers. They canceled my reservation and she told me I'd have to commute in, they did NOT cancel the reservation for a coworker who lived 10 minutes closer to the venue than me. These conferences start at 7am and you go until 10 or 11pm. I use my hotel room as a quiet place to decompress. Then AT the conference she asked if I needed any accommodations, I said no because they already took it away!
I have an associate who works for me and its super important we retain her because the last two times I was without an associate I ended up in the ER with a stress related heart issue. SHE KNOWS THIS and is refusing to work with me to put together a retention plan and told me my associate can leave if we can't keep up with their income needs.
I was put up by my former boss for promotion before she quit last year and I just found out my current boss WITHDREW the promotion recommendation! That's why I wasn't promoted but she had told my former boss who also reported to her that people above her declined my promotion. By the way, I'm probably one of the few employees at my company who has scored above average on my reviews for over a decade but she won't recommend they promote me.
I'm so confused and overwhelmed that from one hour to the next I change my mind on what to do. Is this as bad as I think it is? If I go to HR they won't believe me, she is insanely convincing and manipulative and I'm going to look like the bad guy. It would probably be career suicide. In about 3 or 4 years I should be able to leave and start my own company, should I just keep my head down and wait it out? But some days I'm so miserable I don't know if I can.
Jobadvisor
First off, please take a deep breath. What you are feeling right now—the spinning mind, the shock, the profound sense of betrayal—is a completely normal and valid reaction to what you have just discovered.
To give you the short answer straight from the jump: Your mom is 100% right. In fact, it might be even worse than she realizes.
You are not crazy, you are not overreacting, and you are not the bad guy here. You have been targeted by a highly manipulative, textbook corporate sociopath. As an autistic individual, your natural tendency to take people at face value and look for logical, well-meaning explanations was weaponized against you.
Here is a breakdown of what is actually happening, why your "neurodivergent superpower" inadvertently drove her crazy, and exactly how you need to handle this to protect your career.
1. Did she hate you this entire time?
Yes, but not in the way normal people "hate" someone. In corporate dynamics, people like your boss don't hate you because of who you are; they hate you because they cannot control or manipulate you.
Your mom made a brilliant observation: Your autism completely short-circuited your boss's mind games.
Corporate bullies thrive on seeing their targets get anxious, defensive, or visibly upset.
Because you missed her subtle, passive-aggressive jabs for two years, you responded with standard, polite professionalism.
To her, your lack of a reaction felt like defiance. You were accidentally invulnerable to her psychological warfare, which likely infuriated her.
Decoding Her Actions
The "Unicorn" Compliments: This is called infantalization. She was masking her insults as childlike praise so that if you ever complained, she could say, "I was just calling him special!"
The TV Shows (Elsbeth / Attorney Woo): This was malicious stereotyping. She wasn't trying to connect; she was trying to subtly signal to you, "I see you as an oddity, a caricature." (And you are entirely right: why does Elsbeth carry three purses? It's absurd).
The Expense Reports & FMLA Energy: She denied a simple accommodation (expense reports) because she wanted to maintain a point of friction and anxiety for you. When she came back from FMLA with "more energy," it’s because bullies like this view the workplace as a game board, and she was eager to regain control.
2. The Smoking Gun: The "Sales Team" Lie
What she did regarding your promotion and the Sales team is not just mean—it is cruel, calculating, and potentially a violation of corporate policy.
She engineered a scenario to humiliate you. She forced you into a position where you felt you had to disclose your deeply personal diagnosis to your entire team just to survive professionally.
The Silver Lining: She accidentally outsmarted herself here. By making up a lie about people who actually love and value you, she exposed herself. Your coworkers now know she is a liar, they know you are an invaluable asset, and you have proof that her "feedback" about your performance is entirely fabricated.
3. What Do You Do Now?
You mentioned that going to HR feels like career suicide because she is so convincing. You are entirely correct to be cautious. In a Fortune 500 company, HR is there to protect the company, not you. If it is your word against a "brilliant, dynamic star," HR will often default to the manager.
However, you have a massive advantage: You have a paper trail, you are highly competent, and you have legal protections.
Here is your tactical playbook for the next 3 to 4 years until you can start your own company:
Phase 1: Go "Grey Rock"
From this moment on, your boss is no longer a human being you try to connect with. She is a broken vending machine. You put your work in, you get your check out, and you expect nothing else.
Stop looking for her approval. You already know she withdrew your promotion and lied about it. She will never help you move up. Accept this so her actions stop hurting your feelings.
Be politely robotic. When she uses childlike praise or brings up TV shows, give her nothing. A flat, pleasant, "Thanks, I appreciate that. Anyway, about the Q3 numbers..." completely drains her power. Do not show anger, do not show hurt. Give her absolute neutrality.
Phase 2: Document Everything (The "CYA" Folder)
Because she is a masterful liar, you must counter her with immutable data.
Follow up every conversation with an email. If she tells you something verbally, immediately send an email: "Hi [Name], just to confirm our conversation today, you mentioned that upper management is only looking at external candidates for the new role. Let me know if I misunderstood."
Keep a private log. On a personal device or a physical notebook at home, keep a dated log of every weird interaction, every denied request, and every contradiction.
Secure your reviews. You have a decade of above-average reviews. Back those up. Print them or save them where you will not lose access to them. They prove her narrative of you is a lie.
Phase 3: Build Your Internal Coalition
Your boss tried to isolate you by telling you the Sales team hated you. It backfired.
Keep doing an incredible job for your clients and your coworkers.
Nurture those relationships with Sales and your associate. They are your shield. If your boss ever tries to fire you or write you up for "poor performance," you have a line of cross-functional partners who will say, "What are you talking about? He is the only reason this department functions."
Phase 4: Protect Your Health
She knows about your ER visits and is intentionally letting your associate workload hang over your head as psychological leverage.
If your associate leaves or the workload becomes dangerous to your health, do not hesitate to use HR/Legal for medical accommodations again.
You already beat her once when HR/Legal forced your remote status back. That proves your boss is not omnipotent. When corporate lawyers hear "retaliation against an autistic employee with a documented heart condition," they sweat. Use that to your advantage through proper medical channels, not emotional appeals.
The Bottom Line
You do not need to blow up your career, and you do not need to quit tomorrow. You are a highly successful professional in a complex field who has thrived for a decade.
You have been playing a game where you thought the rules were "work hard and be nice," while she was playing a twisted political game. Now you know the real rules. You don't have to win her game; you just have to refuse to play it. Keep your head down, do your job excellently, document her missteps, and let her exhaust herself trying to get a rise out of a wall of pure, professional granite. You've got this.