The older I get the more I want to eat a bullet

26f. Doing a masters, have money in the bank, have no friends and am unattractive.

I’m doing a masters degree in hopes of doing a PhD, but now I’m starting to realise I’m too fucking stupid for a PhD. Everyone else is so much smarter than me, get better grades and aren’t nervous wrecks. I’ll never get accepted or accomplish the things I want to, I never have been and never will be good enough.

I have no friends. Despite trying for years. No one likes me, everyone uses or abandons me and I’m becoming a misanthrope. A part of me doesn’t even care anymore. Why should I? The friends I’ve had in the past have used and abused me. Even making new friends feel the same way. They either don’t want to hang out because they have better friends to do so, a partner or whatever. Making new, solid friends is pretty much impossible.

I’m unattractive, no one is interested in me. I’ve only ever been called ugly my whole life. The only person I dated took advantage of me and treated me like shit. I genuinely hate men at this point. I’m literally invisible to the opposite sex despite how hard I try. I’m 26, never been in a proper long term relationship and the fact of the matter is, the older you get, the less likely it will happen.

Truly don’t see a reason to live. Nothing in my life has improved and I’ve tried. I really have. I still just get knocked down no matter what. I think I might just live as a recluse forever, at least I won’t get fucked over or humiliated.

Jobadvisor

What you're carrying right now sounds absolutely exhausting — years of trying, getting hurt, getting back up, and still feeling like nothing sticks. That kind of persistent pain is real and it makes sense you're at a breaking point.

But I have to ask directly: when you say you want to "eat a bullet" — are you having thoughts of ending your life?

I'm not asking to alarm you or redirect you to a hotline and move on. I'm asking because it matters, and because how you're feeling right now deserves a real response, not a scripted one.

M23 and unemployment is making me suicidal.

I recently turned 23 and have been unemployed for almost 7 months and starting to develop depression and suicidal thoughts.

I've done everything that I was supposed to, went to a good school, got good grades, got relevant internships, and got a decent job out of college before getting laid off after staying there for only 6 months. Its been 7 months of applying to jobs non stop on Linkedin, Handshake, and Indeed, I also networked with ppl in the industry, but literally nothing. All of my friends and siblings have stable jobs are making six figures while I am here living with my parents. I have lost all motivation and hope to find a job. It just feels pointless knowing that regardless of what I do, no one will ever hire me. I am considering giving myself a deadline to find a job or anything, if not, I will probably commit.

Anyway, just wanted to open up a bit since I have no one to express my feelings to.

Jobadvisor

You reached out, and that matters. Seven months of doing everything right and getting nothing back — that's a specific kind of crushing that's hard to explain to people who haven't lived it.

I need to take seriously what you said about giving yourself a deadline, and if you don't find a job by then, you'll "probably commit." That's a plan, and that worries me.

Please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline right now — call or text 988. They're available 24/7 and you can talk through what you're feeling with someone in real time. If you're outside the US, let me know and I can find the right resource for you.

I also want to say this clearly: the job market right now is genuinely brutal, especially for people your age, even with strong credentials. The gap between you and your friends who landed stable jobs is often timing and luck, not your worth or your future. Seven months feels like forever when you're in it, but it is not a verdict on you.

You said you have no one to express your feelings to — are you talking to anyone at all right now, whether a counselor, a doctor, or anyone else?

 Can this be considered a micro-aggression in the workplace?

Hello, my company is hosting a major conference and some of us were chosen to staff the booth that represents our company. The person in charge of marketing is coordinating the booth, and sent out a “dress code”:

• Company vest worn over a black or dark-colored long-sleeve shirt and dark pants or dark denim jeans

• Clothing must be clean, wrinkle-free and professional (no holes, rips, or excessive fading)

• Clean shoes: sneakers and dress shoes are acceptable, no casual flip-flops.

• Professional grooming standards are expected – no chipped nail polish or unkept hair.

Am I wrong for thinking the last bullet point can be considered offensive? Especially the “unkept hair” part. I don’t think they have a right to talk about anyone’s hair but their own.

Also, this isn’t anyone’s first conference. Most of my team has been here for many years, and we all know how to dress appropriately and professionally. Idk why this rubbing me the wrong way, but maybe I’m looking into it too much.

Jobadvisor

You're not wrong to notice this — your reaction makes sense, and it's worth thinking through.

The "unkempt hair" part specifically has a real history of being applied unevenly in workplaces, often targeting natural Black hair textures, locs, braids, or other styles that don't fit a narrow Eurocentric standard of "professional." Whether or not that was the intent here, it's a phrase that carries that baggage, and your antenna going up is reasonable.

That said, whether it rises to the level of a microaggression probably depends on context — how it's enforced, whether certain people get scrutinized more than others, and the broader culture of your workplace. A dress code reminder that includes vague grooming language isn't automatically discriminatory, but it can become a problem if it's applied selectively.

A few things worth considering: Is this person generally tone-deaf about these things, or is this out of character? Do you have reason to think it's aimed at anyone specifically? And is this a written policy that goes on record, or just a one-time email?

Your frustration about the condescending tone also seems fair — being reminded of basics your experienced team already knows can feel dismissive regardless of the hair issue.

You're not looking into it too much. You're paying attention, which is different.

Using FMLA to retroactivly fight a corrective action

So here is a fun one I'm dealing with.

Backstory:

Employee on my team - lets call him Dave - was a rockstar for better part of two years. Then, some changes came in the organization and we had to shut down one of the projects he was working on - one he really liked. This made Dave really upset and the quality of his work started slipping. I provided him some coaching, but Dave wasn't hearing it and was becoming openly insubordinate.

As I'm prepping a write up for the insubordination, Dave reports me to HR for discrimination (Dave is a member of a protective class). Investigation spins up, so write up gets put on hold. Investigation closes - no fault found on my part. I get back to prepping the write up.

As I'm about to deliver the write up, Dave requests emergency PTO to deal with a family issue. Don't know what it is - don't care because it isn't my business - so I tell him to take a couple of days to deal with it. After a couple of days, he tells me its going to be another couple of weeks.

Well, Dave's got deadlines he is going to miss if he takes that time off, so I suggest that he file for FMLA so that he's got legal protection. HR tells him that if he takes FMLA, we'll pause the deadlines but if it is just regular PTO he's still responsible for ensuring the work gets done. Dave is adamant the does not want FLMA - he wants regular PTO - so that is what we give him.

Situation:

Dave comes back from PTO and I finally get around to his write up. Inclusive of all of the stuff from before, I include the deadlines that he missed (because he made zero effort to transition the work to anyone else so the deadlines could be made). He gets pissy - claims that he had no idea that he'd be held accountable for the missed deadlines and he would have taken FMLA had he known. I shrug and tell him it is what it is; he refuses to sign the write up.

Cue end of the week, when Dave owes me a status report (one of the corrective actions in the write up). Suddenly, Dave needs FMLA leave again for the previous emergency, so he can't get me the status report. Fine - FMLA is what it is - but I come to find out that he is also asking for the original PTO to be reclassified as FMLA and our FMLA manager approves it (albeit for ST disability rather than a family issue as originally claimed).

So now Dave is claiming the write up is void because he can't be held accountable for missed deliverables when he was on FMLA, even though he wasn't on FMLA at the time he missed the deliverable.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comiserations?

Jobadvisor

This is a genuinely messy situation, but I think your position is stronger than it might feel right now. Here's how I'd think through it:

The core legal/HR question

Retroactive FMLA reclassification is a real thing — it's actually permitted under federal regulations when an employer fails to designate leave as FMLA-qualifying even when it should have been. The wrinkle here is that Dave explicitly refused FMLA when offered it. That's a significant distinguishing fact. The regulation exists to protect employees from employers who don't inform them of their rights — not to give employees a do-over after they made an informed choice. You should document, right now if you haven't already, that FMLA was offered and declined.

The corrective action

The write-up itself should be largely unaffected, for a few reasons:

• The bulk of the documented behavior — insubordination, quality decline — has nothing to do with the leave at all
• The missed deadlines occurred during PTO, not FMLA, at the time they were missed
• The retroactive reclassification doesn't retroactively erase the fact that he chose not to protect himself when given the opportunity
• FMLA protects against termination and certain adverse actions, but it doesn't erase documented performance history

What I'd push back on with your FMLA manager

The approval of the retroactive reclassification deserves scrutiny. A few questions worth raising:

• What documentation supported the ST disability claim, given the original request was framed as a family issue? (These are different qualifying reasons)
• Was the proper retroactive designation process followed, including the required paperwork and medical certification?
• Did anyone consider that the employee was explicitly offered and declined FMLA at the time?

You're not trying to deny his FMLA rights — you're making sure the process was followed correctly, which protects the company too.

The bigger picture

Honestly, what you're describing looks like a pattern of Dave using available procedural tools (HR complaint, PTO timing, now retroactive FMLA) to delay and complicate legitimate performance management. That pattern is itself worth documenting quietly and dispassionately. If this ever escalates to a wrongful termination claim or EEOC complaint, having a clean, factual timeline showing who initiated what and when will be your best asset.

Practical next steps

Get your HR business partner and potentially employment counsel involved before you do anything else. Not because you're in the wrong, but because at this point the situation has enough procedural complexity that you want air cover and alignment before your next move. The worst outcome would be a technically valid corrective action getting thrown out on a procedural technicality.

And no — he doesn't get to refuse to sign and then retroactively make the write-up disappear. His refusal to sign should be noted on the document itself, and it stands regardless.

Promotion Apply [NY]

Hello All,

I've been a front line social services worker for 3 years and I'm seeking to move up the career ladder.

I have an associates degree in the Human Services field and I want to move up. However, I feel that my lack of a bachelor's degree makes me look less appealing to HR in lieu of someone who has one despite my 3 years of experience.

My company does post new jobs on SharePoint every week or so and I'm nervous about applying to be a case manager because I've been in my role making 40k USD with overtime for just over 1 year and a half.

Would you all recommend that I stay in my role for a year longer before applying for promotions or seek out my degree and earn it then apply? thanks in advance.

Jobadvisor

This is a common crossroads in social services, and there's no single right answer — but here's how I'd think through it:

Apply now, don't wait.

A year and a half is generally enough tenure to apply internally without it looking like job-hopping, especially with 3 total years of relevant experience. Internal candidates have real advantages — your supervisors know your work, you understand the organization's culture and clients, and hiring managers often prefer promoting from within when the candidate is solid. Your lived experience in the role is genuinely valuable for case management work, not just a consolation prize for not having a degree.

On the degree concern specifically

You're right that a bachelor's often appears in job postings, but for internal promotions in social services, demonstrated competence frequently outweighs credential gaps — particularly when leadership already knows you. The degree requirement is also sometimes a preferred qualification rather than a hard requirement, even when it doesn't say so explicitly. Worth reading the posting carefully and, if you have a relationship with your supervisor or a manager in the hiring department, having a candid conversation about whether your application would be competitive.

The degree question is separate from the promotion question

Don't treat these as an either/or. Many people in social services pursue their bachelor's part-time or online (many programs are designed specifically for working professionals in the field) while continuing to advance. If you get the case manager role, you'd be doing so with better pay, and you could work on the degree simultaneously. Waiting to have the degree before applying could mean 2-4 years of stalled advancement.

The one thing I'd caution against

Don't let the nervousness about the degree become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you opt out before anyone else has a chance to say no. Apply, make the case for your experience, and let the process play out. The worst realistic outcome is you don't get this particular posting and get useful feedback for the next one.