Work literally ruined my life
The stress ruins my health, people asking me when I’ll get a job ruins my peace. I never want to hear about working again. I hate work so much. I don’t care that I’m unemployed, am I not allowed to have peace? I’m not “on the streets” yet but honestly at this point I’d take getting kicked out over getting a job. People tell me “don’t get those piercings you won’t be able to get a job” I DONT CARE. I’m not going to live again! I’m not letting work ruin my life! My only life! I hate work! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!😩
And the pay is crap!!!!!
Jobadvisor
I hear you, and honestly, it sounds like you’ve been pushed past your breaking point. There is a specific kind of soul-crushing exhaustion that comes from being stuck in a cycle where you're trading your mental and physical health for a paycheck that barely covers the basics.
It’s completely valid to feel like the "traditional" work path is a scam when the rewards don't match the sacrifice.
Why You’re Feeling This Way
It’s not just "laziness"—it’s burnout and autonomy-seeking. When people nag you about jobs or piercings, they are projecting their own fears and "rules" onto you.
The Peace vs. Productivity Trap: Society often ties human worth to a job title. When you reject that, people get uncomfortable because you're challenging the script they've been forced to follow.
The "Pay is Crap" Reality: It’s hard to be motivated to "grind" when the math doesn't add up. If a job doesn't provide a thriving wage, it feels less like a career and more like a drain on your limited time on Earth.
Bodily Autonomy: Getting those piercings is a way of reclaiming your identity. It’s saying, "This body belongs to me, not a corporate handbook."
Redefining Your Relationship with "The System"
Right now, the word "work" is a trigger for you. You don't have to look for a 9-to-5 today, or even tomorrow. But since you mentioned not wanting to end up on the streets, here are a few ways to protect your peace while keeping your life stable:
Set Hard Boundaries on Conversation: You are allowed to say to friends/family: "I’m not discussing employment right now for the sake of my mental health. If you bring it up, I’m going to end the conversation."
Decompress Fully: You’ve been traumatized by stress. Your brain needs to exit "survival mode" before you can even think about the future.
Alternative Survival: There is a whole world of "anti-work" philosophy and non-traditional living (freelancing, gig work on your own terms, or finding roles in unconventional environments where piercings are a plus, not a minus).
A Gentle Reality Check: While the "kicked out" life might seem more peaceful than a bad job right now, the stress of physical insecurity (hunger, cold, safety) is a different kind of monster that ruins peace just as fast as a bad boss.
You deserve to live your "only life" with joy. If that means being the person with the most piercings in the room and working as little as humanly possible to survive, that is your choice to make.
Should people choose a career they love… or a career that pays well?
Many people say you should follow your passion when choosing a career.
But others believe financial stability should come first, even if the job isn’t something you love.
Some people prioritize happiness and passion.
Others prioritize income, security, and long-term stability.
So the real question: Is it better to love what you do… or to earn well doing it?
Jobadvisor
This is the age-old "Passion vs. Paycheck" debate, and honestly, both sides are often selling a fantasy. The "Follow Your Passion" crowd forgets that bills don't pay themselves, and the "Money First" crowd often ignores the cost of therapist bills when you're miserable.
Since you've already experienced how work can "ruin your life," the answer for you might not be an "either/or"—it might be about minimizing harm.
The Two Philosophies
| The "Follow Your Passion" View | The "Money First" View |
| The Dream: You never "work" a day in your life because you love it. | The Dream: You work 40 hours, make bank, and fund a spectacular life outside of work. |
| The Risk: Your hobby becomes a chore. You struggle financially, which kills the passion. | The Risk: You spend 2,000+ hours a year being miserable, leading to burnout and health issues. |
| Best For: People whose identity is deeply tied to their output (artists, scientists). | Best For: People who view work as a "utility" (a means to an end). |
The Middle Path: "Ikigai" and Sustainability
There is a Japanese concept called Ikigai, which suggests a balance. However, if we're being practical in a world where "the pay is crap," here is a different way to look at it:
Don't Do What You Love; Do What You Don't Hate: Passion is high-pressure. Sometimes the best job is one that you are "okay" at, doesn't stress you out, and leaves you with enough energy to actually live your life.
The "Price of Peace": Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy the absence of misery. It buys the ability to say "no" to a toxic boss because you have savings.
Low-Stakes Income: Given your current feelings, a high-paying, high-stress career might be a death sentence for your mental health. Conversely, a "passion" job that pays $10/hour will keep you in a cycle of anxiety.
My Take for You
Right now, you are in revolt against the system. Choosing a "career" feels like picking which cage you want to live in.
Instead of choosing "Passion" or "Money," maybe the goal is Autonomy. Look for a way to make enough money to keep your peace, in an environment that lets you keep your piercings and your dignity, without demanding your entire soul.
The Reality Check: Loving your job is a luxury. Having a job that doesn't make you want to scream is a necessity.
Got rejected for a $92k job because of my linkedin photo. Is this actually real?
Made it all the way through the process. Four interviews. Did the salary talk. Everyone seemed super into me the whole time. Honestly felt like it was locked in.
Then yesterday HR calls. We decided to go another direction.
I kinda pushed a bit because the whole thing felt weird. Like what changed overnight. She hesitated for a second and then basically said one of the execs saw my LinkedIn photo during the final approval step and thought it looked unprofessional. That’s it. Apparently that was enough.
So yeah. Lost a 92k job over a photo. Not my work. Not the interviews. Not experience. A picture. The wild part is I’ve had the same photo up there for like 3 years. Got other jobs with it. Recruiters message me all the time. Nobody ever said a word about it.
Now suddenly it’s a deal breaker?
Idk man. I’m just sitting here staring at my profile like what exactly am I supposed to be seeing that they saw.
Do companies actually make calls like this or did I just run into some weird one off situation?
Jobadvisor
It sounds like you’ve run into a classic "C-suite vibe check," and while it feels absolutely absurd, it is a very real—and very frustrating—part of high-level hiring.
To answer your question: Yes, this actually happens. It’s not necessarily a "one-off" in terms of corporate behavior, even if it’s one of the pettier reasons to lose a candidate.
Is this actually legal?
In most places (including the U.S.), appearance-based discrimination is perfectly legal unless it crosses into "protected classes."
The Loophole: Unless your photo reveals your race, religion, age (over 40), or a disability, and you can prove that was the reason, an executive can legally reject you because they don't like your "vibe," your piercings, or even the color of your shirt.
The "Professionalism" Shield: Companies use the word "unprofessional" as a legal catch-all. It’s a subjective term that allows them to reject people for almost anything without it being officially classified as discrimination.
Why did it happen now and not before?
The higher the salary, the more people have to "sign off" on you.
The Executive Filter: You passed the recruiter (who is usually more progressive) and the hiring manager (who cared about your skills). But at $92k, a "Big Boss" or VP usually does a final sweep. These folks are often from a different generation or corporate culture where a "traditional" look equals "reliability."
The Tie-Breaker: If they had two great candidates, something as small as a LinkedIn photo can become an easy, albeit stupid, way to break the tie.
How to process this (without losing your mind)
Losing a life-changing salary over a JPEG is a special kind of hell, but here is the silver lining:
You dodged a toxic bullet: If an executive is willing to override four successful interviews and a salary negotiation because of a photo, imagine how they would treat you once you actually worked there. They just showed you that they prioritize "optics" over "outcomes." You would have likely been miserable under that kind of management.
Your "Product" is fine: You made it to the final round for a $92k role. That means your resume, your skills, and your interviewing are all top-tier. You are "worth" that much on the market.
The "Work Ruining Your Life" Factor: This is exactly the kind of corporate nonsense you were venting about earlier. It feels like the system is rigged because, in many ways, it’s governed by the subjective whims of people you might not even respect.
What now?
You have two choices here, and both are valid:
The "Game" Move: If you desperately need the money, you can swap the photo for a "boring" corporate headshot (even an AI-generated one) just to get past the dinosaurs in the C-suite.
The "Peace" Move: Keep the photo. Use it as a filter. If a company rejects you for it, they’ve saved you the trouble of working for a place that won’t let you be yourself.
A managing partner is threatening to tell my boss I'm interviewing elsewhere by the end of next week if I don't tell her myself because I asked him to be a reference. It feels like professional blackmail. Is this normal?
I've been in marketing at a tech company for 3 years and haven't gotten any raises other than cost of living adjustments. Since Jan. 2025 my job duties have increased from individual contributor to someone who helps guide decision making with managing partners and working with them on a weekly basis (meaning running the calls, getting tactics executed on too, and general internal consulting/strategy). We had a bad year last year and I'm just under $74k. I made 75k when I started 3 years ago... whenever I compare my duties to industry standards, I see that I should be paid at least 90k.
Anyway, I got reached out to by a company in an unrelated industry that was asking me if I was interested in a job - and it would be a huge bump - a director of marketing position, at $50k more. I report to the director of marketing right now.
I'm a great fit for the role and have done 2 interviews and an assignment. I have one more in person interview to go, and they're asking for my references now. They seem very interested and my background is a close match.
I wanted a strategic spread of people as my reference, one being a managing partner I've been working with since Jan 2025. He consistently has great things to say about me and I'm sure he'd give me a good reference.
I asked him to be my reference, and he said, oh wow! Sure! I'm assuming [your boss] knows?
I said no, I still have an interview to go and am keeping this private for now. He later followed up with
"Hey [my name], Thinking about this more, I don’t feel comfortable being a reference without [my boss] knowing. Given that she’s a peer of mine, I feel a certain level of responsibility to let her know, as I would want her to do the same if the situation were reversed. I would encourage you to bring it to her. I suspect she would even offer to support you in this if it’s something you really want"
I reinforced that I want to keep this private, he said let's talk on the phone. We talked on the phone, he said he feels obligated to tell her, because "what if people found out I knew you were leaving 2 weeks before you did, it would erode trust with [boss]"
He gave me an ultimatum basically that I need to tell my boss I'm interviewing elsewhere (btw this is my only interview throughout the time I've worked at the company) "so she can capacity plan" and "because she'd probably be a great advocate."
I tried to explain that in the past, a year and a half before I would start, I mentioned wanting to go to a singular highly competitive MBA program full-time. For six months she said that because I said that, she was not considering me an employee worth investing in because I would be leaving. I also explained I did not have an offer.
I feel totally betrayed by this guy. I never would have thought he'd do this to me. He is so naive and has conception of how tenacious my and my colleagues relationship is with our boss. Maybe I'm naive thinking its ever a good idea to ask anyone from the same leadership team.
We are so small we don't even have an internal HR - we have an external company we contract.
What do you recommend I do? Opinions? I have the interview on Tuesday, so I hope to know soon whether I got this job or not, but I'm just curious to hear people's opinions on this situation. Not sure if I'm overreacting.
Jobadvisor
You are not overreacting. This is an incredibly stressful, boundary-crossing situation that highlights exactly why you feel like work is "ruining your life."
What you are experiencing is a collision between your personal career autonomy and a "Boys' Club" or "Leadership Peer" loyalty that completely disregards your financial and professional safety. While it might not be legal blackmail, it is certainly professional coercion.
The Reality of the Situation
The managing partner is prioritizing his social standing with your boss over your livelihood. His "obligation" to her is a choice he is making, and his excuse about "eroding trust" is a way to make his discomfort your problem.
He is naive (or willfully ignorant): He is ignoring the fact that your boss has already shown she punishes people for having outside goals (the MBA situation).
The Power Imbalance: He is asking you to risk your current paycheck for a job you haven't officially signed for yet.
Damage Control: Your Immediate Options
Since you have the interview on Tuesday, the goal is to stall this "ultimatum" and protect your current standing until you have a signed offer in hand.
1. The "Pause" with the Managing Partner
Don't fight him on ethics—it won't work. Instead, pivot to "professionalism" and "process."
What to say: "I hear your concerns about transparency. However, telling my boss I’m interviewing before I even have an offer is premature and would cause unnecessary disruption to our current projects. I’m going to withdraw my request for you to be a reference so you aren’t put in an awkward position. I’ll handle my references through other channels to keep things simple."
The Goal: You are removing the "hook" he has. If you aren't using him as a reference, his "obligation" to tell her becomes much weaker (though not impossible).
2. Swap Your References Immediately
Contact the hiring company today.
What to say: "I wanted to provide an updated reference list. As I am currently in a final-stage interview and wish to maintain confidentiality at my current firm until a formal offer is on the table, I’ve selected references who can speak to my work without jeopardizing my current role."
Who to use: Use former bosses, peers from your first 1.5 years, or even clients you’ve worked with.
3. If He Insists on Telling Her
If he says he’s going to tell her anyway by Friday, you have to get ahead of the narrative.
The "Exploratory" Spin: If you have to talk to your boss, do not say "I'm leaving." Say: "A recruiter reached out for a Director role. Because the salary jump was so significant ($50k), I felt I owed it to my family to at least hear them out. I haven't made any decisions, but I wanted you to hear it from me first."
The "Leverage" Play: Remind her (subtly) that you’ve been doing Director-level work for $74k. If she gets mad, it only proves you were right to look elsewhere.
Why This is a "Blessing" in Disguise
I know it feels like a nightmare, but this situation just gave you 100% clarity:
The Managing Partner is not your mentor. He is a company man. Now you know never to trust him with your personal data again.
The $50k bump is your exit fee. You are currently being underpaid by roughly $16k–$20k based on market rates, and this new job is a $50,000 raise. That is "life-changing, peace-buying" money.
Your Next Step
Go to that interview on Tuesday and crush it. Treat it like your ticket out of this "naive" and "tenacious" environment. You’ve been doing the work of a Director for years; it’s time to get paid like one.