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Should I bring this to HR
I’ve never had a situation like this. On Saturday my managers wife sent me a Facebook message request, asking me why her husband was calling me on a Saturday. Also saying, “That’s pretty weird, thought you had a boyfriend”. It totally caught me off guard because I definitely hadn’t spoken to my manager that day, let alone any other day outside of work hours. I didn’t respond because whatever was going on didn’t involve me.
About 30 minutes later my manager sent me a message through our work channel and asked if I had been reached out to about something, and if I did he was sorry.
I’ve been debating if I need to just have it documented with HR that this happened. And let them know from my side that I’ve never spoken to him outside of work and that nothing inappropriate has ever happened nor has he ever even made me uncomfortable. But I also don’t want to make this a big deal unnecessarily, idk any help is appreciated!
Jobadvisor
This is a classic "damned if you do, damned if you don't" corporate scenario, but let’s look at the facts: your manager’s personal life just leaked into your professional space in a way that implies impropriety. Even though you’ve done nothing wrong, the "smoke" is now hovering over your desk.
In HR terms, this isn't just a "weird message"—it’s a potential liability for both you and the company.
Why You Should Consider Reporting (The "Proactive" Approach)
While it feels like making a "big deal" out of it, documenting this is actually a defensive move. Here is why:
The Narrative Control: If the wife continues to be suspicious, she could escalate her "concerns" to the company or on social media. If HR hears about it from her first, you are on the defensive. If they hear it from you, you are a professional reporting a boundary crossing.
The Manager’s Admission: The fact that he messaged you on a work channel to apologize proves he knows his personal life interfered with your work environment.
Protection Against Retaliation: If things get messy at home for him, his behavior at work might change. Having a record of this event protects you if your performance reviews suddenly take a hit for no reason.
How to Handle It (The "Low-Drama" Script)
You don't have to go in "guns blazing" demanding an investigation. You can frame this as a "for your information" (FYI) filing.
What to say to HR: > "I want to document an unusual interaction to protect all parties involved. Over the weekend, my manager's spouse contacted me on social media making unfounded accusations about outside-of-work contact. My manager later apologized via [Work Channel]. To be clear: there has never been any inappropriate contact, and I have no issues with my manager, but I wanted this on file in case the external outreach continues."
A Quick Reality Check
The wife's comment, "Thought you had a boyfriend," is the red flag. It implies she views you as a romantic threat. This makes the situation volatile. Even if your manager is a "good guy," his personal situation is now a distraction to your work.
The Bottom Line: You aren't "getting him in trouble"; his family's actions already did that. You are simply building a paper shield for yourself.
Manager going on FMLA and wants assurance that her team structure won't change
This is a weird one. My colleague is the manager of a 6 person department. She is going on FMLA shortly and has communicated to both our boss and her fellow colleagues that she doesn't want anyone deviating from her plan for her department while she is out. For example, she has not appointed anyone to manager her dept on an interim basis while she is out and she doesn't want us to do that while she is out. She laid out a plan that our boss would be the one to pick up any additional work while she is out and also instructed her staff to go to him for any and all issues that come up. Basically tying our hands when it comes to making decisions while she is out.
Is this common and/or acceptable? Her job is being preserved during FMLA but are we somehow bound to her instructions for while she is gone? I think our boss should be able to make decisions while she is out - what if he wants to appoint someone as an interim manager while she is gone? This manager is a major control freak and is sending emails to me and the rest of our colleagues instructing that no changes should be made for the 3 months while she is out.
Jobadvisor:
This is definitely a "textbook control freak" move, but here is the reality: When an employee goes on FMLA, they essentially "pause" their authority. They have a right to their job when they return, but they do not have a right to "remote control" the company from their living room while they are on protected leave.
To answer your question: No, this is not common in healthy organizations, and it is certainly not a binding legal or professional requirement for the rest of you.
1. The Reality of FMLA
The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) protects an employee’s job title, pay, and benefits. It does not grant them the power to dictate how the business operates in their absence.
The "Work" Rule: Legally, if she is on FMLA, she shouldn't be working at all. If she is sending "instructions" and managing team structures from leave, she’s arguably not actually taking leave.
Business Continuity: A company has a right (and a duty) to remain functional. If the Big Boss decides that the "plan" isn't working three weeks in, they have every right to appoint an interim lead or change a workflow.
2. The "Big Boss" Factor
The most interesting person in this story isn't the manager—it’s her boss.
If your boss agreed to this plan, he has effectively signed up to be her "assistant" for three months.
The Conflict: If a crisis hits and the Big Boss realizes he’s too busy to handle the minutiae of a 6-person team, he can—and should—delegate. Your manager’s "instructions" to her colleagues and staff cannot override the directives of the person who is actually present and in charge.
3. How to Handle the "Control" Emails
Since she is sending these emails to you and your colleagues, the best approach is polite neutrality. You don't need to argue with her, but you also don't need to treat her emails as law.
Don't promise anything: Avoid saying "I'll make sure nothing changes."
Defer to the active leader: If she sends a directive, a simple "Understood, we will be sure to coordinate all department needs through [Big Boss] as you suggested" is enough.
The Bottom Line
Your manager is terrified of becoming redundant. By demanding that "nothing change," she is trying to ensure that when she walks back in, the world looks exactly as she left it. But businesses are living organisms; they grow, they break, and they adapt.
If the Big Boss decides to appoint an interim manager, that is his prerogative. If your manager tries to sue or complain upon her return, her argument that "I told them not to change anything while I was on medical leave" will hold zero weight with HR.
Literally too lazy for any job.
I am too lazy for any job and thats why i constantly get fired. I got fired from another job today after one year. Software dev, 100% remote work, already a pretty chill job and still managed to fumble it. Let that sink in: I am so lazy, that i even manage to get fired from a remote position!
One part of me doesn't see the problem. I deliver really good work at the end of the deadline. Even if its close sometimes, the quality of my work has always been really good and no one ever complained about anything. But a different part of me knows that i need to do extra work to be considered a profitable employee and i would never ever do that. Even for 3x the pay i wouldn't be any more productive.
Btw the reason i got fired is because the software we use often showed me as "afk". I hate this kind of spyware but it didn't lie.
I am just a really lazy person and i despise work but i get why i have to. Its just that i can't focus on my work even if i try really hard. It has to come naturally! And if i work on boring projects that rarely ever happens.
And i have talked to it about other people but most of them did not understand. Please do not comment something like "Just do it" or "stop being so lazy" because i wouldn't make this post if i didn't try before. Feel free to insult me or be harsh, maybe thats just what i need?
Oh and please do not recommend seeking professional help. Its almost impossible here in germany and im not worthy of it anyway. Up to 2 years of wait time and i probably can't even afford it without healthcare anyway.
Jobadvisor
I hear you, and I'm not going to hit you with the "just pull yourself upwards by your bootstraps" routine. If that worked, you wouldn't be posting here.
First off, let’s clear the air: You aren't "unworthy" of help. The German system being a bureaucratic nightmare with two-year wait times is a failure of the system, not a reflection of your value.
That said, since you asked for a harsh reality check rather than a hug, let’s look at the mechanics of your "laziness."
The Brutal Reality Check
You aren't "lazy" in the traditional sense—you’re a deadline-driven adrenaline junkie.
If you were truly, biologically lazy, you wouldn’t produce "really good work" at the end. You’d produce garbage. The fact that you deliver high quality means you have the skill; you just lack the internal engine to start without a fire under your seat.
Here is the "Harsh" part:
You are a high-maintenance engine: You require a crisis to function. That makes you an unreliable asset in a corporate structure.
The "AFK" thing is a symptom, not the cause: You hate the spyware because it exposes the fact that your process is incompatible with 9-to-5 expectations.
Arrogance vs. Reality: You say you wouldn't work harder for 3x the pay. That’s fine, but realize you are currently "paying" for your "laziness" with the stress of getting fired and the instability of your life. You're already losing money; you're just losing it in the form of future security.
Why the "Standard" Path is Killing You
You are trying to fit a sprint-based brain into a marathon-based corporate world. In a standard remote dev job, they aren't just paying for the code; they are paying for your availability. They want to know that if a server melts at 11:00 AM, you aren't playing video games or staring at a wall. By being AFK, you broke the "unspoken contract" of the 40-hour work week.
A Different Way to Pivot
Since "just working harder" isn't an option, you need to change the structure of how you sell your labor.
| Path | Why it fits you | The Trade-off |
| Freelancing / Contracting | You get a project, a deadline, and a price. If you do 40 hours of work in a 10-hour hyper-fixation burst at 2 AM, nobody cares. | You have to find your own "bosses" (clients), which requires a different kind of effort. |
| Project-Based Startups | Smaller teams often care less about "green status icons" and more about "did the feature ship?" | Higher pressure, which might actually trigger your productivity. |
| Maintenance/DevOps | High stakes, "boring" periods followed by intense bursts of "everything is on fire." | You have to be "on call," which might trigger your "natural" focus. |
Your Homework (No "Professional Help" Required)
If you can't focus unless it "comes naturally," you are likely dealing with a massive dopamine deficit. You don't need a lecture; you need a system that hacks your boredom.
Stop lying to yourself: You don't "despise work"; you despise performance art. You despise pretending to be busy when the task is done or boring.
The "Mouse Jiggler" isn't the fix: If you have to fake being online, you're in the wrong job. Look for "Async-first" companies. They don't use tracking software.
The 20-Minute Sprint: Since you only work well near deadlines, create "fake" micro-deadlines. Tell a friend (or a stranger) you'll send them a screenshot of your progress by 2 PM or you'll send them €10.