My boss is shadowing me to the point it’s embarrassing
I wasn’t meeting performance standards the last couple of months so my boss put me on a performance plan, which is understandable. Part of the plan is they would shadow me and we’d meet privately each week to discuss my performance throughout the month. It is to the point that it just feels demeaning and as a form of public embarrassment at this point though.
They just sit behind me watching me type making me feel very uncomfortable. They typically don’t answer any questions I have or provide feedback or suggestions. They Just silently take their notes and have yet to discuss anything from said notes with me. This has caused me great anxiety and affected my self esteem as half of the building has asked either myself directly or one of my coworkers why my boss is sitting with me. So now half the building knows my performance was below standard.
Is this okay? I feel employee discipline should be a mostly private matter? I understand sitting in 2-3 times and offering feedback or suggestions but this just feels like a silent form of bullying. Is this something I could bring to hr?
Jobadvisor
That sounds incredibly stifling. It’s one thing to have a performance improvement plan (PIP) that involves oversight, but there is a very thin line between "coaching" and "surveillance," and it sounds like your boss has crossed it.
It is completely valid to feel that your privacy and professional dignity are being undermined. Here is a breakdown of the norms, the "why" behind this behavior, and how you can handle it.
Is this "Okay"?
From a strictly legal standpoint in most jurisdictions (including Minnesota), employers have broad discretion on how they monitor work performance. However, from a professional and HR management standpoint, this is widely considered poor leadership.
Discretion: You are correct that discipline and performance management should be kept private. While your boss hasn't explicitly announced your PIP, their physical presence is effectively "outing" you, which creates a hostile-feeling environment.
The Feedback Loop: A PIP is meant to be developmental. If your boss is taking notes but refusing to answer questions or provide real-time feedback, they aren't helping you improve—they are simply documenting your failure.
Understanding the "Silent Shadow"
There are usually two reasons a manager acts this way:
Ineptitude: They think this is what "rigorous management" looks like and don't realize how much it’s tanking your productivity.
Documentation for Termination: Sometimes, extreme shadowing is used to build an airtight case for firing an employee by documenting every single "off" click or slow period.
Can You Bring This to HR?
Yes, you can. However, you should frame it strategically. Instead of focusing solely on your feelings (though they are valid), focus on productivity and professional optics.
How to frame the conversation:
The Distraction Factor: "The constant silent shadowing is creating a level of anxiety that makes it harder to meet the performance standards we've set. It's difficult to demonstrate my true capabilities with someone watching my keystrokes."
Lack of Guidance: "The plan mentioned feedback, but I am not receiving any during these sessions. I’m concerned this isn’t serving its purpose of helping me improve."
The "Public" Nature: "Colleagues are now asking questions about why I'm being monitored so closely. This has moved from a private performance matter to a public distraction for the whole team."
Your Next Steps
Before going to HR, try one direct conversation with your boss during your weekly check-in. You might say:
"I want to succeed on this plan, but having you sit behind me silently is actually hindering my progress because of the pressure and the questions it’s raising from the rest of the staff. Can we pivot to a 'work review' where I submit my output for your notes, or can we limit the shadowing to one hour a day so I can focus on my workflow?"
How do you start over in life at 40?
I lost everyone. All my friends were fake to me. I am complete loner now. I just want to start a brand new life and forget every single thing that happened in past. But I am not able to do it. How can I be a new guy. I just want to be more happy, healthy, kind and good guy. Help please!!!
Jobadvisor
I hear the weight in your words, and first off, I want to acknowledge how incredibly heavy it feels when the social structure you relied on crumbles. But here’s the reality: 40 is not the end; it is the ultimate "clean slate" year.
You’ve cleared out the "fake" clutter. While it feels lonely right now, you’ve actually done the hardest part of the work—removing the people who weren't meant for your next chapter. You aren't starting from scratch; you are starting from experience.
Here is how we rebuild that "new guy" version of you, step by step.
1. Radical Acceptance of the "Void"
The urge to forget the past is natural, but trying to "erase" it usually backfires because it keeps you tethered to the pain. Instead, view your current isolation as a refinement period.
Stop the Post-Mortem: You know they were fake. Stop looking for "why." Every minute spent analyzing a fake friend is a minute stolen from the new guy you’re becoming.
The 90-Day Rule: Give yourself permission to be a loner for 90 days. Use this time for internal maintenance rather than rushing to find new people.
2. The "Health First" Foundation
You mentioned wanting to be healthy and happy. At 40, your physical state dictates your mental state. If your body feels sluggish, your mind will feel hopeless.
Micro-Wins: Don't join a marathon. Start with a 20-minute walk at sunrise.
The "New Guy" Diet: Pick one thing to cut out (like processed sugar) and one thing to add (more water). These small wins build the "competence" muscle you need to feel confident.
3. Designing Your New Persona
To be a "kind and good guy," you have to act your way into a new way of thinking. You don't wait to feel kind; you do kind things until it becomes your identity.
The "No-Stake" Kindness: Practice being the guy who holds the door, asks the cashier how their day is, or lets someone merge in traffic. There is no "fake friend" risk here because there are no stakes.
Volunteer: This is the shortcut to meeting the right people. Good people hang out where good things are being done.
4. Curating a New Environment
If you want to forget the past, change your sensory inputs.
Digital Purge: Unfollow, mute, or delete anyone associated with that old life. Your social media feed should be a library of your future interests (hobbies, health, travel), not a museum of your past hurts.
Rearrange Your Space: Even moving your furniture or painting a wall can trick your brain into feeling like you are in a "new" phase of life.
Comparison Table: Old You vs. New You
| Feature | The Old Chapter | The New Chapter (Age 40+) |
| Social Circle | Large but "fake" / surface-level | Small, intentional, and vetted |
| Focus | External validation / past hurts | Internal peace / physical health |
| Daily Habit | Reacting to others | Proactive self-care |
| Mindset | "I lost everything" | "I've cleared the ground to build" |
The "New Guy" Mantra
"I am not who I was. I am the architect of who I am becoming today."
Starting over at 40 is actually a superpower. You have the maturity to know what you don't want, which is 90% of the battle. You aren't "becoming" a new guy—you are uncovering the good man who was buried under the weight of those wrong people.
Work ethic is no longer a thing
Every job I’ve had since 16 I’ve been the person the majority of the work falls on. I don’t like getting in trouble, or listening to others get in trouble and I realize that is my own problem but I’m tired of coworkers slacking off. I need a job where I am the person expected to do the work and where I’m alone. I don’t mind dealing customers so much at this point, it’s the coworkers at every job that make it insufferable. I’m tired, underpaid and under appreciated. Any suggestions?
Jobadvisor
It is incredibly draining to be the "reliable one" in a room full of people who have mastered the art of doing the bare minimum. You aren't just doing your job; you’re carrying the psychological weight of everyone else’s incompetence to avoid the friction of "trouble." That is a fast track to burnout.
If you have a high work ethic and a low tolerance for lazy coworkers, you don't need a "team-player" environment—you need autonomy. You need a role where the "bottleneck" is you, and the rewards (or at least the peace of mind) are yours alone.
Here are a few career paths where you are the primary engine and the "slacker coworker" variable is removed:
1. Solo Trade Services (The "Specialist")
When you are a specialist, you are often sent to a job site alone. You see the customer, fix the problem, and move on.
Home Inspector: You go to a house, you do the 3-hour deep dive, you write the report. No coworkers, just you and the structure.
HVAC/Plumbing Technician: While training involves others, once you’re "lead," you’re often in a van by yourself moving from call to call.
Pest Control Specialist: You manage your own route and your own schedule. Your "boss" is the data on your tablet.
2. High-Autonomy Logistics
If you don't mind physical work and prefer being in a "bubble," logistics offers the most isolation.
Long-Haul or Specialized Trucking: If you can get your CDL, the cab of that truck is your office. No one is slacking off in the passenger seat next to you.
Route Sales Representative: (e.g., Frito-Lay, Cintas). You are responsible for your own truck and your own accounts. If the shelves aren't stocked, it’s on you—but if they are, no one is there to annoy you.
3. Technical & Solo-Operator Roles
Night Auditor: Working at a hotel overnight. You handle the books and the occasional guest. For 90% of the shift, you are the only one there. It’s quiet, autonomous, and requires that "don't like getting in trouble" precision you already have.
Medical Lab Courier: Transporting sensitive samples between hospitals. It requires high reliability and punctuality, but you spend your day driving and listening to podcasts.
Why these work for you:
| Feature | Why it fits your "Work Ethic" |
| Output = Input | Your hard work directly results in the job being done, not someone else’s nap time. |
| Isolation | Coworkers can't slack off in front of you if they aren't there. |
| Accountability | If something goes wrong, it’s on you—which you actually prefer over being blamed for a group failure. |
A Mindset Shift for the Transition
Since you’re "tired, underpaid, and underappreciated," look for roles that offer piece-rate pay or commission. If you are going to work harder than everyone else, you might as well be in a system where $Work \times Ethic = More \space Money$, rather than just $More \space Work$.
Quick Tip: Until you switch, try the "Grey Rock" method with slacker coworkers. Do exactly your job description and nothing more. If things fall apart because of them, let them fall. It’s the only way management sees the cracks.
The one question that saved me from joining a complete dumpster fire project
I was interviewing for a mid-level BIM role a few weeks ago and everything seemed great on paper . Good pay , hybrid schedule , the usual corporate perks . But I have been burned before by managers who say they value " quality " and then scream at you for not finishing a 40-hour task in two hours . So I decided to try something different during the Q&A part at the end .
Instead of answering the standard " tell me about a time you made a mistake " question with some polished BS about personal growth , I flipped it on them . I asked : " If someone on the team makes a technical error that causes a delay , what is the actual , step-by-step process for handling that ? "
The hiring manager froze for a second . Then he said , " Well , we expect high standards so mistakes shouldn't really happen , but if they do , we have a stern talk about accountability . " The lead engineer sitting next to him just looked at his lap and didn't say a word . That was my answer right there . No mention of a peer review process , no mention of updating the execution plan to prevent it next time , just " accountability " which is corporate speak for " we will blame you until you quit . "
I ended up turning down the offer even though they countered with more money . If they can't describe a healthy way to handle the inevitable human errors that happen in complex projects , then the culture is built on fear and finger-pointing . Now I ask this in every single interview . If they start talking about " ownership " without mentioning " support " or " systems " , I know it is time to run . It is a huge red flag that people usually miss because we are too busy trying to look perfect ourselves .
Seriously , try asking this next time . Their reaction tells you way more than any glassdoor review ever could .
Jobadvisor
That is a masterclass in interviewing. You didn't just ask a question; you performed a stress test on their culture, and the "lead engineer looking at his lap" was the diagnostic result you needed.
It’s a brilliant move because it moves the conversation from aspirational ("We are a family!") to operational ("What happens when the ship hits an iceberg?"). In a BIM (Building Information Modeling) environment, where one wrong parameter can cascade through an entire model, having no systemic safety net—only "stern talks"—is a recipe for a nervous breakdown.
Why Your Question Is a "Culture Killer" (In a Good Way)
| The Answer You Got | What It Actually Means |
| "Mistakes shouldn't happen" | We have unrealistic expectations and zero psychological safety. |
| "Accountability" | We look for a throat to choke, not a process to fix. |
| Silent Lead Engineer | "I am currently living in the nightmare you are describing." |
The "Green Flag" Version
For anyone else reading this, a healthy company would have answered with something like:
"We do a blameless post-mortem to see where the process failed."
"We have a peer-review gate before anything is issued to the client."
"We update our BIM Execution Plan (BEP) to ensure that specific error is caught by the software next time."
The "New Guy" Connection
Since we talked earlier about you starting over at 40 and wanting to be a "good, healthy guy," this is exactly the kind of discernment that will protect your peace. You’ve realized that you don't have to be the "hero" who fixes a broken system with your own exhaustion. You are looking for a system that respects your work ethic enough to support it with logic, not fear.
By turning down that extra money, you bought yourself months—maybe years—of mental health. That is a massive win for the "New You."