I manage a team of four. One of my staff members, Jeff, asked to go to a conference that was about a five-hour drive away. I approved the request as the conference would be good for his professional development. Three other staff members from our closely connected teams were also going.
Jeff registered for the conference. A couple of weeks later, he asked me about booking a flight to it. I was surprised by this, as the conference was a reasonable driving distance. I explained that the department would rent a van and the attendees would drive there together. (Our department wants to minimize expenses when reasonable, so this is normal unless it doesn’t make sense logistically or financially.)
He pushed back with a couple of reasons that he wanted to fly, such as it would save time and he didn’t feel comfortable driving. I said that flying wouldn’t save time since the airport is at least an hour away, you need a time buffer to go through security, etc., and the flight is two hours. I also knew the others going were comfortable being the drivers.
He then said that he didn’t want to be in a car for long periods of time since he sometimes has digestive issues. I empathized but suggested he make up a reason he might need more rest stops than usual and give the others a heads-up at the start of the trip. Something like, “Sometimes I get woozy when I’m in the car for a while, so I need to take more rest stops than usual.” This was not acceptable to Jeff, and he ultimately decided not to attend the conference. It wasn’t a huge issue, but he was salty about it for a while and complained to a few other people.
Is it reasonable to expect employees to drive to conferences? Are there situations other than distance and cost where we should make an exception to our norm?
Jobadvisor
This is a classic management dilemma where "standard procedure" hits a wall of personal boundaries. It's a tricky balance between being a good steward of company funds and being an empathetic leader.
Here is a breakdown of whether your expectations were reasonable and how to navigate these situations in the future.
Is it reasonable to expect employees to drive?
Generally, yes. If a destination is within a 5-hour radius, many organizations consider driving (or carpooling) the default for cost-containment. However, "reasonable" is subjective.
While your math on the flight time vs. drive time was likely accurate, the friction arose because the expectation wasn't established before the trip was approved. In Jeff's mind, "Conference Approved" meant "Travel Method of Choice Approved."
When to make exceptions (Beyond Cost & Distance)
There are several valid reasons to pivot from a "vanpool" mandate, even if the destination is close:
Medical & Accessibility Issues: Jeff mentioned "digestive issues." In HR terms, this can border on a medical accommodation. Forcing someone to disclose or "fake" a different medical condition (like wooziness) to coworkers can feel invasive and demoralizing.
Work-Life Balance: If the drive turns a 9-to-5 day into a 6-to-9 day, some employees may prefer to fly (even on their own dime or via points) to get home to family or personal obligations.
Safety & Fatigue: Not everyone is a confident long-distance driver. If the team is expected to work a full day at a conference and then drive 5 hours back, safety becomes a liability.
Productivity: Some people can work on a plane or a train; almost no one can work while driving a van.
Where the "Salty" Feelings Came From
Jeff likely felt unheard when his medical concern was met with a suggestion to "make up a reason" to his peers. From his perspective:
He voiced a physical discomfort/medical need.
He was told to manage it by being untruthful to colleagues.
He felt his only dignified option was to withdraw entirely.
Comparison of Approaches
| The "Vanpool" Mandate | The "Flexible" Approach |
| Pros: Lowest cost; team bonding. | Pros: Higher morale; respects privacy. |
| Cons: Potential for resentment; "forced" social time. | Cons: Higher expense; logistical fragmentation. |
Moving Forward
To avoid this in the future, try to shift from a "driving is mandatory" stance to a "travel budget cap" stance.
The "Price Match" Rule: Tell employees, "The budget for this trip is $X (the cost of the van rental share + gas). If you’d prefer to fly or take a train, you are welcome to do so, but the company will only reimburse up to that $X amount."
Clarify Early: Include travel expectations in the initial approval email. "Approved! Just a reminder, we’ll be carpooling in a rental to keep costs down."
It’s okay that Jeff didn't go this time, but a quick "reset" 1-on-1 might be helpful to clear the air. You could say: "I realized later that my suggestion for the car ride might have put you in a tough spot regarding your privacy. I’d like to find a better middle ground for the next one."
Asked in interview if I have a wife, girlfriend, kids. How best to handle when your gay?
Hello
I was interviewing this week with a company. I had two interviews with the Account Executive, with whom I would be working with, Tony. During the first phone interview, he asked about my wife and kids. I pivoted, as I am gay and don't want to necessarily bring that up in an interview setting. I mentioned that my time these days is spent taking care of family, and that seemed to work.
Fast-forward to Thursday, and he requested a meeting in person over breakfast. Within two minutes of sitting, he takes a selfie with him and me and sends it to the recruiter. I thought that was really odd.
The conversation is going well about my background, experience, etc. He gets to a point where he flat-out asks again – do I have a girlfriend, family, or kids? I am not sure whether he’s being personable. I mention that I have a partner I live with. It seemed to land ok (sometimes you can never tell). He pivots back to the position and asks some follow-up as I do.
How best should I handle this? I hate coming across as not personable. The next day, after the 9th interview, I was told they decided to proceed with other candidates - lol. But that's another source of frustration.
Jobadvisor
That sounds like an incredibly frustrating and awkward experience. To be clear: what Tony did wasn't just "unprofessional"—in many jurisdictions, asking about marital status, sexual orientation, or family plans during an interview is a legal minefield because it opens the door for discrimination claims.
The fact that he asked twice and took a selfie (which is highly unusual and boundary-crossing) suggests his "personable" style was actually a lack of professional boundaries.
Here is how you can handle this in the future while staying true to yourself and protecting your candidacy.
1. The "Professional Pivot" (The Soft Deflection)
If the question feels like a casual attempt at small talk, you can redirect the focus to your professional motivations without being "cold."
The Script: "I've reached a point where I really value my personal time for recharging, but right now my main focus is finding a role like this where I can [mention a specific job goal]."
Why it works: It’s polite, but it signals that you aren't going to provide a roster of your household members.
2. The "Broad Definition" Answer
If you want to be honest but maintain a boundary, use gender-neutral and broad terms.
The Script: "I have a great support system at home and a partner I've been with for [X] years. We're very settled, which allows me to really lean into my travel schedule/workload."
Why it works: It addresses the "stability" question that some old-school managers are secretly looking for without making your personal life the center of the interview.
3. The "Gentle Call-out"
If they are persistent (like Tony was), you can use a touch of wit to point out the irrelevance of the question.
The Script: (With a smile) "I’m curious—does the team do a lot of family-oriented events, or are you asking to see if I’ve got the flexibility for this role? Because I definitely have the bandwidth for the travel/hours required."
Why it works: It forces the interviewer back to the job requirements and politely reminds them that your family status shouldn't matter.
Red Flags to Watch For
The "9th interview" and the selfie are massive red flags. Here is why you might have dodged a bullet:
The Selfie: This is often a sign of a "culture fit" obsession, where they care more about the "vibe" than your actual KPIs.
The Repeat Questioning: If an interviewer ignores your initial pivot, they aren't listening to you. That trait usually carries over into their management style.
The Marathon Process: Nine interviews is excessive for almost any role. It often signals a company that is indecisive or has a "consensus-based" culture where nothing ever gets done.
A note on your "Salty" Jeff story: Just like with Jeff and his digestive issues, this is a case of a manager (Tony) failing to respect personal boundaries. It's ironic that you were the empathetic manager in the first scenario, and here you were on the receiving end of a manager who didn't know where to draw the line!
Company runs a 2 day over night meeting at a casino. I declined the first day. Can they fire me?
Company runs a 2 day meeting at a casino. First day is a dinner, award ceremony, and then they let everyone into the casino. They get us rooms to stay overnight, and then we have an all day meeting the next day.
My first year I did the two day thing and stayed the night. Second year I went to the 7pm award ceremony/dinner, skipped the hotel, drove home and returned in the morning. They gave me grief about not getting a room. I don’t drink, told them that, figuring they thought I was putting myself in danger by not staying the night…becoming a liability.
This year I declined the invite for the first night, but said I will attend the meeting the next day.
My boss doesn’t seem happy about it. Called me into her office. I cited personal reasons in my response.
Personal reason was last two years my coworkers have insinuated I was hooking up with another coworker at this meeting, which is not true. It’s made me anxious over the whole event and worried about my reputation. I’m married. We are friendly at work and walked into the event together, and then by chance the next morning. The next year I showed up 30 minutes late to the cocktail hour only to find this coworker waited for me in the parking garage because they had social anxiety entering alone.
Can I get fired for not going to the first night? It’s mostly networking fluff and awards. I’ve been cold toward this coworker for the last few months as to not find myself in an undesirable situation again.
Jobadvisor
The short answer is: Technically, yes, you can be fired—but it’s highly unlikely and would be a massive HR blunder.
In most "at-will" employment states (if you are in the US), a company can fire you for almost any reason that isn't discriminatory. However, firing a productive employee for skipping a "networking fluff" dinner is expensive, bad for morale, and potentially opens them up to legal headaches if your "personal reasons" involve harassment or a hostile work environment.
Here is a breakdown of the situation and how to handle that meeting with your boss.
1. The Legality vs. Reality
"Mandatory" vs. "Optional": If the company is paying for the time, they can technically designate it as a mandatory work function. Refusing to attend a mandatory event can be framed as "insubordination."
The Casino Factor: Hosting a mandatory event at a casino with alcohol is a liability for the company. If an employee has a religious objection, a gambling addiction, or is in recovery, the company must provide reasonable accommodations. Your "I don't drink" explanation is a very strong shield here.
2. The Gossip & Harassment Angle
This is the most critical part of your story. You aren't skipping because you're "lazy"; you're skipping because the event has created a hostile environment for you.
The Rumors: Insinuations of an affair are a form of workplace harassment.
The Coworker: The fact that this coworker waited for you in the garage—while potentially innocent on their part—is creating a situation where you feel your professional reputation is at risk.
If your boss pushes you, you don't have to give every detail, but you should be firmer than "personal reasons."
3. How to Handle the "Office Chat"
When your boss calls you in, shift the narrative from "I don't want to go" to "I am protecting my professional reputation."
Try this script:
"I understand the value of the team-building night, but in previous years, my presence at the social portion led to some very unprofessional and untrue rumors regarding me and another colleague. As a married person who values my reputation here, I'm not comfortable putting myself in a position where 'networking' turns into locker-room gossip. I am 100% committed to the all-day strategy meeting, and I'll be there bright and early."
Why this works:
It uses HR "trigger" words: "Unprofessional," "untrue rumors," and "not comfortable."
It shows you are a professional: You are drawing a line between the social (optional) and the strategy (essential).
It protects the company: You are essentially telling your boss that the social event is a liability.
4. The "Cold" Coworker Strategy
It’s understandable that you’ve been cold to the coworker to avoid rumors, but be careful not to swing too far into "retaliation" or "exclusion" territory, which HR also dislikes.
Instead of being "cold," be "publicly professional." Ensure all interactions are in the open, keep them brief, and if they ask you to walk in together again, say: "Actually, I have to make a quick call/check an email, you go ahead! See you inside."
Summary of Your Rights
| If they say... | Your response should be... |
| "It's mandatory." | "I'm happy to attend the business portions. Due to the nature of the social environment and past rumors, I'm opting out of the overnight stay to remain professional." |
| "You're not a team player." | "I'm a huge team player during work hours. I'm prioritizing the meeting's productivity over the casino social." |
| "We already paid for the room." | "I appreciate that, but my peace of mind and professional standing are worth more than the cost of the room." |
Issues with dates of employment
I am very stressed and sad about this situation. I applied for an externship to a hospital and got an acceptance and an offer letter and everything after a week or so the recruiter called me saying that my background check said that my dates of employment were wrong for one of my jobs I corrected the dates sent w2s and a statement with the correct dates and they said that it was going to be fine , then the recruiter called me again saying my background was not cleared completely so they withdrew my offer i checked my background report and it said that the dates of my past employments were wrong when i specifically sent them my correct dates and w2s and everything. I applied to another externship got an offer letter again and then they withdrew it again saying i cant apply for a year because of my past failed background check, whaaat? has anybody experienced this?
Jobadvisor
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is incredibly frustrating to feel like you’ve done everything right—providing the proof, the W2s, and the corrections—only to have a "system" slam the door in your face. That feeling of being penalized for a simple clerical error is heavy, but please know this does not define your professional worth.
It sounds like you’ve run into a "data ghost" in the background check system. Here is a breakdown of what likely happened and how you can fight back.
Why this keeps happening
Most hospitals use third-party screening companies (like Sterling, Checkr, or First Advantage). Even if you tell the recruiter the correct dates, the screening company’s report might still be flagged as "Fail" or "Discrepancy" if they haven't updated their internal file.
The "One-Year Ban": Large hospital systems often have a blanket policy where if a background check is flagged for "misrepresentation" (even if it was an honest mistake), the candidate is barred from applying for 6–12 months.
The Data Mismatch: If your resume says you started in January but the payroll records (W2s) show your first check was in March, the automated system flags it.
Immediate Steps to Take
Dispute the Report with the Screening Company: Under the Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA), you have the right to dispute inaccurate information. You need to contact the specific background check company that ran your report and demand they correct your record using the W2s you already provided. Once they fix it, future employers won't see the "fail."
Request the "Adverse Action" Notice: By law, if an employer rescinds an offer based on a background check, they must provide you with a copy of the report and a summary of your rights. If they didn't do this, they are in technical violation of the FCRA.
Contact HR (Not the Recruiter): Recruiters often just see a "Red Light" and move to the next candidate. Try to reach out to the HR Compliance Manager at the first hospital. Attach your W2s again and explain: "I provided the corrected data immediately, but the screening report was never updated. I would like to clear my name so this does not impact my future eligibility."
How to Prevent This Next Time
| Action | Why it helps |
| Exact Dates | Review your old paystubs or W2s. Ensure your resume matches the exact start and end dates on file with the IRS/Social Security. |
| The "Gap" Note | If you stayed on payroll but didn't work (like an on-call position), list that clearly so the dates make sense to a computer. |
| Proactive Disclosure | On your next application, if there is a "comments" section, you can state: "Please note my start date for [Company] reflects the official payroll start date." |
You Aren't Alone
Many people face this, especially in healthcare where compliance is rigid. It feels like a "failed" check implies you're a criminal, but in this case, it's just a data integrity issue. You are still the same qualified student who earned those offers.