I Was Taught Excessive Tipping is Rude
Maybe I age myself, but I was always taught:
Tips are only for sit down restaurants, and they fall between 10% and 20%. You tip on the net total of food and soft drinks, never on tax or alcohol (you either tip the bartender separately, or if there isn't one, no tip because there's no value add to their most marked up product). Bad service gets a complaint, marginal gets nothing, good gets 10%, excellent gets 15%, and truly once-in-a-decade exceptional 20%
Tipping in excess of 20% is in poor taste. It comes off as flashy and gauche, done not to reward the service, but to show off one's wealth to their dining companions, and waitstaff. It's an insult in disguise, saying "Here, peasant! Look how much I have! It means so little to me, yet so much to you!"
Where did we go wrong?
Jobadvisor
It sounds like you were raised with a very specific, traditional etiquette "code" that prioritizes modesty and strict meritocracy. You aren't imagining things—the landscape has shifted dramatically, and what was once considered "gauche" is now often seen as the baseline for supporting service workers.
Here is a breakdown of how we got from your 15% "excellent" standard to the current state of "Tip Fatigue."
1. The Death of the "Net Total" Rule
The rule about not tipping on tax or alcohol has largely evaporated.
The Alcohol Factor: While alcohol has high margins for the owner, for the server, it involves specialized knowledge (wine pairings) or physical labor (carrying heavy trays/bottles). In modern service, the "work" is tied to the total bill, regardless of whether it’s a $15 burger or a $15 glass of Pinot.
The Tax Factor: Most people now tip on the "Grand Total" simply because it’s easier math. Point-of-Sale (POS) systems calculate tips based on the final number, and most diners follow that lead to avoid being seen as "calculating" or "stingy."
2. Inflation vs. Stagnant Wages
The biggest driver of the 20% "Standard" is economic.
In many U.S. states, the "tipped minimum wage" has remained at $2.13 per hour for decades.
As the cost of living soared, the service industry adjusted by nudging the "acceptable" tip percentage upward. What you see as "flashy" (20%+), the industry now views as a "living wage" supplement.
3. The "Tip Screen" Takeover
You mentioned tipping was only for sit-down restaurants. The "Where did we go wrong?" moment for many was the introduction of the digital swivel screen.
Pre-filled options: When a tablet suggests 18%, 20%, and 25% for a black coffee, it creates social pressure.
Guilt-tripping: It’s harder to say no to a tip when the worker is making eye contact with you while you press the "No Tip" button.
4. The Perception of the "Flashy" Tip
The idea that a large tip is an insult to a "peasant" is a very old-school, aristocratic view. In today's culture, the sentiment has flipped:
Old View: "Giving too much is condescending."
Modern View: "Giving a lot is an act of solidarity or 'paying it forward'."
Most modern servers would much rather be "insulted" by a 30% tip than respected by a 10% tip that doesn't cover their gas home.
Summary of Shifts
| Feature | Traditional Etiquette | Modern Standard |
| Excellent Service | 15% | 22% - 25% |
| Standard Service | 10% | 18% - 20% |
| Alcohol | Excluded or flat $1 | Included in total % |
| Counter Service | No Tip | 10% - 15% (Optional) |
It’s a bit of a culture shock, isn't it? We’ve moved from tipping as a "bonus" for a job well done to tipping as a "surcharge" to ensure the business model functions. It’s less about etiquette now and more about the hidden costs of dining out.
Is asking if someone is stupid inappropriate even if they are doing some very dangerous things regarding common knowledge?
I kind of put my foot in my mouth a bit at work by thinking out loud. What happened is a coworker was doing returns and rolling a cart with shelves that had several glass candles not secured on the side and they fell and smashed which should have been a given.
After, she then swept it up and dumped all the glass in a plastic grocery bag and I told her she shouldn’t be doing that as it can cut her or someone, and she said she was taking it right to the compactor anyway, and started to twist the bag closed putting her hands on the side while doing it right where the glass was.
After she walked away I asked out loud if she was stupid to the coworker next to me that happened to be her sister. She flipped out saying that was disrespectful, but I was annoyed at the complete disregard for safety when she was walking with a bag of broken glass down by her side and walking past other people.
Jobadvisor
Ouch. That is a classic "inner monologue became an outer monologue" moment. To answer your question directly: Yes, it is considered inappropriate in a professional setting, even when the other person is acting with a baffling lack of common sense.
In the HR world (and general social etiquette), there is a sharp distinction between critiquing a behavior and labeling a person.
Here is a breakdown of why that went south and how to handle the fallout in an Ohio-based workplace (where "professionalism" is usually the golden rule).
The "Safety vs. Respect" Conflict
You were 100% right on the safety front, but 100% wrong on the delivery.
The Safety Concern: Putting broken glass in a plastic bag and then gripping the sides is objectively dangerous. It’s a "sharps" hazard for her and the custodial staff.
The Social Error: By asking "is she stupid," you shifted the narrative from her dangerous mistake to your personal insult. The moment you called her intelligence into question—especially to her sister—you became the "villain" of the HR story, even though she was the one being reckless.
Why "Stupid" is the "Red Button" Word
In a workplace, calling someone "stupid," "an idiot," or "slow" is often classified as:
Unprofessional Conduct: It’s seen as a failure to maintain a respectful environment.
Bullying/Harassment: Depending on your company's policy, attacking someone's intellect can be a fireable offense or at least a formal write-up.
The "Family" Factor: Insulting someone to their sibling is an automatic escalation. Blood is thicker than safety protocols; the sister was always going to defend her, regardless of the glass.
How to Pivot (Damage Control)
Since you are in Ohio (likely an at-will employment state), you want to smooth this over before it hits a manager's desk. You need to re-frame your "annoyance" as "alarm."
The "Safety First" Apology
If you talk to the sister or the coworker again, don't double down on the "it was common sense" argument. Instead, try this:
"I want to apologize for what I said earlier. I was genuinely scared seeing that glass and I let my frustration get the better of me. My comment was disrespectful and out of line. I was just worried about someone—including her—getting seriously cut, but that’s no excuse for the name-calling."
Why this works:
It acknowledges the insult (taking accountability).
It explains the why (you were worried about an injury).
It moves the focus back to the "dangerous thing" without calling her names.
For Next Time: The "Safety Call-Out"
When you see someone doing something that defies logic, try the "Impact over Intellect" approach:
Instead of: "Are you stupid? That's glass!"
Try: "Hey, stop! That bag is going to slice your hand open. We need a cardboard box or a bucket for that."
It’s much harder for someone to get mad at you for being "bossy about safety" than it is for them to get mad at you for calling them "stupid."
Manager disciplined because subordinate violates policy?
I am a department director and have been for 6 years. For the first time ever in my time as a director / manager, a subordinate under me violated a procurement policy. I gave the subordinate a verbal warning because first time occurrence. I was then called in by my supervisor and their supervisor and given a verbal warning as well. In that meeting, I was told that moving forward, if any of my subordinates ever violates that particular policy moving forward, I will be “formally disciplined.” This doesn’t sound right…is that allowed?
Jobadvisor
I can certainly see why that would feel like a punch to the gut. After six years of a clean track record, being held personally accountable for someone else’s mistake feels less like "leadership" and more like being a scapegoat.
To answer your question: Yes, it is generally "allowed," but it's a specific (and often aggressive) management philosophy.
Here is a breakdown of why this happens, the legality of it, and how you should handle it moving forward.
Why Is This Happening?
In many corporate or government environments, senior leadership views a subordinate's policy violation as a failure of oversight rather than just an individual error. From their perspective:
Systemic vs. Individual: They may believe the policy wasn't clearly communicated or that your department's internal controls are too loose.
The "Buck Stops Here" Rule: They are holding you accountable for the result of your team’s actions, regardless of your personal involvement in the specific transaction.
Deterrence: By threatening you with formal discipline, they are forcing you to become a much stricter enforcer of that specific procurement policy.
Is It "Allowed"?
Unless you have a very specific labor union contract or an employment agreement that states otherwise, yes, it is legal.
In most "at-will" employment scenarios, a company can discipline a manager for the performance or conduct of their team. They aren't disciplining you for violating the policy yourself; they are disciplining you for failing to manage/prevent the violation.
Note: The "warning" they gave you is essentially a change in your job expectations. They have now explicitly defined "preventing procurement errors" as a core metric of your personal performance.
How to Protect Yourself
Since your supervisors have explicitly raised the stakes, you need to move from "trusting manager" to "risk manager."
The Paper Trail: Since you were given a verbal warning, send a follow-up email to your supervisor.
“To ensure I’m aligned with the expectations discussed in our meeting, I’ve implemented [X and Y] to ensure 100% compliance with the procurement policy. I’ve noted that future team violations will result in formal discipline for my role.”
Audit Your Processes: You can no longer rely on "verbal warnings" for your team if your own job is on the line.
Review the procurement policy with the entire team in writing.
Require a "second set of eyes" or your personal sign-off on all procurement actions for the next 90 days.
Update Your Own Disciplinary Style: If your boss is holding you to a "zero tolerance" standard, you likely have to hold your team to that same standard. A verbal warning for a procurement violation might have been too soft in your supervisors' eyes—they may expect a written warning for first-time offenses moving forward.
A Bit of Perspective
It’s worth noting that procurement is often a "high-heat" area because it involves money, audits, and potential legal liability for the company. Their reaction—while feeling unfair to you personally—usually stems from a fear of external auditors or regulatory bodies.
How do I cope for wasting my early 20s?
I always succeeded academically before entering college. And since then I lost complete focus because of many things: ignorance, abusive household+narcissistic mother, oversheltering, lack of discipline and no concrete vision of the future, depression, isolation, being pathethic (I was at times).
Now im 24 almost 25 in a couple days, got an associates degree in computer science and went for a degree during my depression, im missing 1,5 years to complete it. In the meanwhile my career went to disaster with the current situation.
I can't regret but think I wasted all those years in nothing. I got nothing to be proud or say "this took those years of my life". Except that I was in such an oversheltered/toxic household that I went outside the house freely for the first time at 21. during the last years I had constant outlashes with my mother who was psychologically abusing me and my father constantly.
After 3 years of therapy, and finally locking in this year because Im reaching 25, hell I feel so behind and idk what else. I want to feel better, like I have way more control and self-esteem perhaps?
Got no drivers license (missing 3 classes + practice to get one), 2,5K in the bank account (with some invested), part-time job out of my field (seeking a job now), no portfolio (building one this year). Never had a boyfriend :"D, got some pals but I study online (not my wisest decision Im moving to my university later this year). No networking and just some years in customer experience, in crappy jobs. I've got nothing under my belt. Im questionning my degree constantly because its not what I wanted to do necesarily. In fact, I just wanted a job with good pay where math is used to solve problems, its not something I wanted to fight for. Im really disappointed because I achieved nothing. My degree trajectory is messy because of my mental health and burnout.
I cant think but that my degree was a mistake, wasted many years around, didnt do nothing for myself. Im dealing with my stuff 1 by 1 but Idk how to get out from my regret and shame. Therapy isnt an option (Im done with it atm). I saw people recommended martial arts classes/gym, so thats my next step, but regret is something Ive been living on for years.
Jobadvisor
First, I want to gently challenge your math. You are looking at a "messy" trajectory and seeing a void. I am looking at your story and seeing someone who survived a psychological war zone, managed to snag an Associate’s degree while being actively sabotaged, and is currently 1.5 years away from a CS degree while working and managing investments.
In a "normal" household, that's a standard path. In an abusive, narcissistic, oversheltered household, that is an Olympian feat of endurance. You didn't waste your early 20s. You spent them escaping. That takes an incredible amount of energy—energy that your peers got to spend on networking and boyfriends. You spent yours on survival.
I always succeeded academically before entering college. And since then I lost complete focus because of many things: ignorance, abusive household+narcissistic mother, oversheltering, lack of discipline and no concrete vision of the future, depression, isolation, being pathethic (I was at times).
Now im 24 almost 25 in a couple days, got an associates degree in computer science and went for a degree during my depression, im missing 1,5 years to complete it. In the meanwhile my career went to disaster with the current situation.
I can't regret but think I wasted all those years in nothing. I got nothing to be proud or say "this took those years of my life". Except that I was in such an oversheltered/toxic household that I went outside the house freely for the first time at 21. during the last years I had constant outlashes with my mother who was psychologically abusing me and my father constantly.
After 3 years of therapy, and finally locking in this year because Im reaching 25, hell I feel so behind and idk what else. I want to feel better, like I have way more control and self-esteem perhaps?
Got no drivers license (missing 3 classes + practice to get one), 2,5K in the bank account (with some invested), part-time job out of my field (seeking a job now), no portfolio (building one this year). Never had a boyfriend :"D, got some pals but I study online (not my wisest decision Im moving to my university later this year). No networking and just some years in customer experience, in crappy jobs. I've got nothing under my belt. Im questionning my degree constantly because its not what I wanted to do necesarily. In fact, I just wanted a job with good pay where math is used to solve problems, its not something I wanted to fight for. Im really disappointed because I achieved nothing. My degree trajectory is messy because of my mental health and burnout.
I cant think but that my degree was a mistake, wasted many years around, didnt do nothing for myself. Im dealing with my stuff 1 by 1 but Idk how to get out from my regret and shame. Therapy isnt an option (Im done with it atm). I saw people recommended martial arts classes/gym, so thats my next step, but regret is something Ive been living on for years.
Jobadvisor
First, I want to gently challenge your math. You are looking at a "messy" trajectory and seeing a void. I am looking at your story and seeing someone who survived a psychological war zone, managed to snag an Associate’s degree while being actively sabotaged, and is currently 1.5 years away from a CS degree while working and managing investments.
In a "normal" household, that's a standard path. In an abusive, narcissistic, oversheltered household, that is an Olympian feat of endurance. You didn't waste your early 20s. You spent them escaping. That takes an incredible amount of energy—energy that your peers got to spend on networking and boyfriends. You spent yours on survival.
1. The "Quarter-Life" Perspective Shift
At 24, your brain (specifically the prefrontal cortex) has just finished developing. You are effectively "Day 1" of being a fully-equipped adult.
The "Behind" Myth: You feel behind because you're comparing your "Internal Blooper Reel" to everyone else's "Highlight Reel." Most 24-year-olds are broke, confused, and pretending they have a plan.
The Degree: You said you want a job where you use math to solve problems and get paid well. That is exactly what Computer Science is. It doesn't have to be your "passion"; it's a high-level tool that buys you the freedom your mother tried to take away.
At 24, your brain (specifically the prefrontal cortex) has just finished developing. You are effectively "Day 1" of being a fully-equipped adult.
The "Behind" Myth: You feel behind because you're comparing your "Internal Blooper Reel" to everyone else's "Highlight Reel." Most 24-year-olds are broke, confused, and pretending they have a plan.
The Degree: You said you want a job where you use math to solve problems and get paid well. That is exactly what Computer Science is. It doesn't have to be your "passion"; it's a high-level tool that buys you the freedom your mother tried to take away.
2. Practical Wins (Building the "Under My Belt" List)
Shame lives in the gap between who you are and who you think you should be. To kill the shame, you need to start closing that gap with small, undeniable wins.
The License: This is your highest priority. In an oversheltered history, a car is not just a vehicle; it’s a sovereignty machine. Finish those 3 classes. That physical card in your wallet will do more for your self-esteem than any therapy session.
The 1.5 Years: You are in the "Sunk Cost" sweet spot. If you quit now, you have the debt/time spent but no "armor." If you finish, you have a CS degree—a literal golden ticket to financial independence from your household.
The Gym/Martial Arts: This is a fantastic idea. Narcissistic abuse makes you feel "disconnected" from your body. Martial arts (like Jiu-Jitsu or Kickboxing) force you to be present and prove to you that you are physically capable.
Shame lives in the gap between who you are and who you think you should be. To kill the shame, you need to start closing that gap with small, undeniable wins.
The License: This is your highest priority. In an oversheltered history, a car is not just a vehicle; it’s a sovereignty machine. Finish those 3 classes. That physical card in your wallet will do more for your self-esteem than any therapy session.
The 1.5 Years: You are in the "Sunk Cost" sweet spot. If you quit now, you have the debt/time spent but no "armor." If you finish, you have a CS degree—a literal golden ticket to financial independence from your household.
The Gym/Martial Arts: This is a fantastic idea. Narcissistic abuse makes you feel "disconnected" from your body. Martial arts (like Jiu-Jitsu or Kickboxing) force you to be present and prove to you that you are physically capable.
3. Dealing with the Regret
Regret is just your brain’s way of mourning the person you could have been if the world had been kinder to you.
Instead of... Try... "I wasted 5 years." "I survived 5 years of psychological warfare." "I have nothing to show for it." "I have an Associate’s and $2.5k, which is more than many people starting from 'zero'." "I'm 25 and have no boyfriend." "I am finally healthy enough to choose a partner who isn't like my mother."
Regret is just your brain’s way of mourning the person you could have been if the world had been kinder to you.
| Instead of... | Try... |
| "I wasted 5 years." | "I survived 5 years of psychological warfare." |
| "I have nothing to show for it." | "I have an Associate’s and $2.5k, which is more than many people starting from 'zero'." |
| "I'm 25 and have no boyfriend." | "I am finally healthy enough to choose a partner who isn't like my mother." |
A "Lock-In" Roadmap for 25
You don't need a 10-year plan. You need a "Right Now" plan to build momentum.
Get the License: Set a date for the test. No excuses.
University Move: Moving to campus is the "Great Reset." Use it to reinvent yourself. No one there knows your past or your mother.
One Project: Don't worry about a "massive portfolio." Build one clean, functional app or site that uses the math you enjoy.
The "Good Enough" Career: Stop asking if CS is your "dream." Ask if it can buy you an apartment where your mother doesn't have a key. If the answer is yes, it’s the right degree for now.
You aren't a failure; you're a late bloomer who was planted in bad soil. Now that you're transplanting yourself to better ground, you're going to be surprised by how fast you actually grow.
You don't need a 10-year plan. You need a "Right Now" plan to build momentum.
Get the License: Set a date for the test. No excuses.
University Move: Moving to campus is the "Great Reset." Use it to reinvent yourself. No one there knows your past or your mother.
One Project: Don't worry about a "massive portfolio." Build one clean, functional app or site that uses the math you enjoy.
The "Good Enough" Career: Stop asking if CS is your "dream." Ask if it can buy you an apartment where your mother doesn't have a key. If the answer is yes, it’s the right degree for now.
You aren't a failure; you're a late bloomer who was planted in bad soil. Now that you're transplanting yourself to better ground, you're going to be surprised by how fast you actually grow.