Escaping Burnout: My Journey to Rediscovering Balance and Purpose
When I arrived at Vista Verde Ranch in late October for a mini-vacation, I was physically and emotionally spent. The thrill of participating in a three-day horsemanship clinic and enjoying the luxuries of this dude ranch provided just enough adrenaline to keep me going. But the truth was, my energy had been waning ever since the third quarter started at my consulting job. "If I can just make it until the end of the year," I kept repeating to myself, "at least I'll have more vacation time."
My life had become a never-ending cycle of "If I do X, then I can Y" rules. I had mastered the art of pretending everything was fine, to the point where I failed to recognize that my job no longer aligned with my life.
On the last day of my trip, I experienced a pivotal moment that served as my final wake-up call: I was burned out.
The Irony: Studying Burnout Without Recognizing It in Myself
During my MS in sport psychology at CU Boulder, I researched and published on burnout among USA Swim coaches. We delved into the concept of entrapment—where coaches remain committed despite escalating personal costs, diminishing joy, and a pervasive sense of being stuck in their jobs.
At the time, I believed burnout was something that happened to other people, not me. Yet, here I was, fitting the profile of an entrapped professional perfectly.
The Physical and Emotional Toll
Recently, I had a dream where I was trying to land a jet without doors or windows on a narrow runway surrounded by water. I managed to skid to a stop just before plunging into the sea. It was my subconscious trying to get my attention.
My body got the message, too. My previously well-managed blood pressure started to rise. At work, I became irritable, and my emotional resilience waned. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I kept pushing myself.
Despite maintaining a workout routine, managing a home, building my writing portfolio, and clinging to a dead-end job, I believed I was doing the responsible thing. I was waiting for the perfect moment to finish important projects at work. Quitting wasn't an option.
A Mini-Vacation That Revealed More Than It Restored
This growing awareness followed me to the ranch. Surrounded by mountains, a herd of 115 horses, and the incredible kindness of the staff, I expected to feel rejuvenated. Instead, I felt restless, the ache in my soul growing louder.
I met several successful women my age, all at different yet similar crossroads. We had all traveled without partners and shared meals at communal tables, watched the herd run in at sunrise, and forged new friendships. We discussed what brought us there and what still felt unfinished.
I talked about "Please See Me," the online literary magazine I launched in 2019, which I planned to expand "when I had time." Their encouragement reinvigorated my commitment to building something meaningful.
"You need to leave your job," one woman said gently, her blue eyes sparkling. She had recently been laid off herself.
Accepting the Inevitable
On the last day of the trip, a magnificent Percheron horse named Gilbert fell into an irrigation ditch behind my cabin and died the morning I was supposed to leave.
In that moment, I had a stark realization: If an animal so strong could be running with the herd on Monday and dead by Wednesday, I was not invincible either. I couldn't keep fighting and pushing the way I had been.
Eventually, I was laid off from my consulting job, but not before I accepted that I was burned out.
Building a New Life
Now, I'm approaching life differently. This year, I'm resting more, listening carefully, and designing a life that is flexible, financially sustainable, and authentic. Most importantly, I get to plan the next chapter of my professional life full-time.
Burnout doesn't have to be a permanent state. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps, we can rediscover balance and purpose. My journey has taught me that sometimes, the best way to move forward is to let go and embrace change.