Curiosity is often seen as a soft skill—something nice to have but not essential. However, my experiences in coaching and personal life reveal a different truth. Curiosity significantly impacts how we perform under pressure, navigate relationships, and make decisions when the path isn't clear. It even influences our overall enjoyment of life.
The great news is that curiosity isn't a fixed personality trait; it's a muscle that can be trained and strengthened over time.
Understanding Curiosity
To appreciate the value of curiosity, it's important to understand what it is not. When faced with tension—be it a difficult conversation, conflict, or uncertainty—people often react in extremes. Some avoid confrontation altogether, people-pleasing and suppressing their needs to maintain peace. Others charge ahead aggressively, pursuing their goals without listening, overwhelming others, and closing themselves off to new information.
Curiosity finds balance in the middle. It’s the ability to voice your needs without silencing someone else's, to listen without relinquishing your stance, and to engage without trying to control the outcome.
At its core, curiosity is about accepting what you can and cannot control. Imagine any interaction as a 50-50 split: half is yours—your values, questions, and responses—and the other half belongs to the other person, the situation, or timing. Curiosity helps you stay true to your values without seeking approval, creates space to listen without expecting a specific answer, and asks questions without needing immediate resolution.
Building Your Curiosity Muscle
Here’s how to cultivate curiosity that supports both clarity and connection:
1. Anchor Curiosity in Your Values
Curiosity without values is just noise. Values provide curiosity with clear boundaries, purpose, and direction. Before asking any question—of yourself or others—ground yourself in what matters most and why you are asking. When curiosity is anchored in values, you don’t ask questions to please, impress, or manipulate outcomes. You ask to understand while staying rooted in who you are.
2. Replace Certainty With Better Questions
High achievers often confuse confidence with certainty, but certainty can quickly shut down curiosity. It’s what makes people avoid difficult conversations, hesitate to ask for a promotion, or dismiss intuitive ideas too quickly.
Curiosity doesn’t mean doubting yourself; it means staying open to being wrong, incomplete, or surprised. This openness reduces stress, as much of our tension comes from expecting certainty where none exists. When you accept uncertainty and replace defensiveness with questions, learning accelerates.
Try adding a question after your statement to invite insight and better ideas:
- “Here’s what I think… What do you think I am missing?”
- “This may not work because… Under what conditions do you think this could work?”
This shift keeps you engaged without becoming passive and confident without becoming rigid or aggressive.
3. Listen Without Expecting an Outcome
One of the fastest ways to kill curiosity is to listen with an agenda. If you’re already planning your response, negotiating your position, or waiting for confirmation, you’re not truly listening—you’re managing. This mindset is stressful because you’re expecting only one outcome.
Curiosity means listening without needing a specific result—not agreement, validation, or resolution, just information. Paradoxically, this kind of listening gives you more influence because people feel seen, not steered, and the outcomes tend to be better for both parties.
4. Ask Questions That Expand, Not Corner
Curious questions create space; defensive questions close it. Instead of questions that pressure, justify, or interrogate, aim for questions that explore. Use open-ended questions (starting with how, who, when, what) instead of closed questions (where the answer is just yes or no).
Examples include:
- “How did you arrive at that?”
- “What feels important to you right now?”
- “What’s the trade-off you’re wrestling with?”
These questions invite insight without giving up your own position, allowing you to stay firm and curious simultaneously.
5. Be Curious With Yourself—Especially Under Stress
When stress rises, curiosity often disappears. We default to self-criticism, urgency, or control. Building the curiosity muscle means turning it inward, especially when things don’t go as planned.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t I get this right?” try:
- “What’s making this hard right now?”
- “What else?”
This shift moves you from judgment to awareness and from pressure to progress.
The Power of Curiosity
Curiosity isn’t about being agreeable, passive, or endlessly flexible. It’s about staying open without losing yourself. When curiosity is anchored in values, guided by thoughtful questions, and free from outcome attachment, it becomes one of the most powerful tools for growth—both personally and professionally.
It allows you to pursue what you want without bulldozing others and to listen deeply without abandoning your needs.
Try It This Week
To train your curiosity muscle, next time you're in a conversation, listen without steering. Pause for about three seconds before answering, allowing the other person's words to fully land before responding. Notice any urge to correct, convince, or rush to an outcome, and then ask an open-ended question.
For more insights on this topic, check out my latest podcast episode.
By embracing curiosity, you open doors to endless possibilities for growth and connection. Start building your curiosity muscle today and watch how it transforms your life.