Manager made sexist comment towards me
My boss has a habit of making inappropriate comments and he stays quite late every day after work (until 8pn) where he will email me non work stuff, he even suggests we go for lunch when his boss isn't around. We do get on well especially when we work in a office together.
Today he asked what my greatest fear is. I was thinking and he said is my fear of being a spinster? I'm 33 and I ignored his comments as I hate confrontation and he goes he will tell me his fear which is being poor and how he worries he won't have money but he is 62 in a well paid job and I told him if he would like to hear my fear he goes go on and I said having to work with him for the next few years and he laughed and said how he didn't expect that and then proceeded to tell someone on a teams call what I said to him and how I'm living my fear each day.
He also adjusts himself towards me pulls his trousers up on a few occasions.
I only made that comment out of spite because of what he said first.
I just needed to vent about this. I just feel uncomfortable working with him. I'm on a secondment for 12 months and we have to work closely together in this job so I can't distance myself.
Jobadvisor
I hear how incredibly uncomfortable and frustrating this situation is. It sounds like you are navigating a very tricky power dynamic where your manager is blurring professional boundaries, and it’s completely understandable that you’d feel the need to "vent" after that exchange.
The comment about being a "spinster" isn’t just outdated; it’s a targeted, sexist remark designed to undermine your professional standing by focusing on your personal life. It's also telling that when you pushed back with a bit of wit, he immediately tried to "reclaim" the power by broadcasting it to others on a Teams call.
Here is a breakdown of the behaviors that are understandably making you feel uneasy:
Red Flag Behaviors
The "Spinster" Comment: This is direct workplace harassment. It’s a gendered insult that has no place in a professional environment.
Out-of-Hours Contact: Sending non-work emails late at night creates a "perpetual access" dynamic that makes it hard for you to switch off and feel safe in your private time.
Monitoring His Boss: Suggesting lunch only when his boss isn't around shows he knows his behavior might be viewed as inappropriate or unprofessional by upper management.
Physical Adjustments: Regardless of intent, repetitive "adjusting" in your direction can be a subtle way of creating physical discomfort or asserting dominance.
Navigating the Secondment
Since you are on a 12-month secondment and have to work closely with him, your priority is protecting your peace and your professional reputation.
Document Everything: Even if you don't plan to go to HR right now, keep a private log (not on a work computer). Note dates, times, and exactly what was said or done (e.g., the "spinster" comment, the 8 PM emails, the Teams call incident).
The "Grey Rock" Method: If you want to avoid confrontation, try being as boring as possible regarding personal topics. Give short, one-word answers to personal questions and immediately pivot back to work tasks.
Re-establish Email Boundaries: You aren't obligated to reply to non-work emails sent at 8 PM. If he asks about them the next day, a simple "I don't check my inbox after I leave the office" sets a firm, professional boundary.
Trust Your Gut: You mentioned you "get on well" sometimes, which can make you feel guilty for being annoyed. However, grooming behaviors often involve being "nice" or "friendly" to lower your guard before making inappropriate comments.
You Are Not at Fault
Please don't feel bad about your "spiteful" comment. You were reacting to a direct provocation about your personal life. His decision to mock you on a Teams call afterwards confirms that he was trying to provoke a reaction.
Interview panelist sabotaged my promotion
Background: I work for the government in a mid-level management role and I applied for a more senior leadership role within the same department. After 3 rounds of interviews, I did not get the job, but I was told I was a close 2nd. I do not personally know the candidate they gave the offer to, but based on some quick research she does seem qualified. So, I have no issues there.
Prior to applying for the job, I was concerned that that a certain higher-level director (let’s call her Jo) will sabotage my interview. I sensed Jo did not like me ever since I joined the organization. I am not sure why tbh. Despite this, we were cordial and professional. Over the course of 5 years working together on & off, there has been a few iffy things she has done behind my back but nothing that crossed the line imo.
For the role I interviewed for, my current boss was the hiring manager. We have a great relationship. After the interviews, she provided some feedback. I agree with most of them and I realize there is room for improvement. However, she did mention that a panel member stated that I “misrepresented” my role in a few projects – effectively embellishing/lying about my involvement during the interview. I inquired which projects and she stated two specific ones. Both those projects I led and I have documented proof (emails, products, ect) that I was in charge of the projects and that the projects were successful. Although there were several panel members during the 3 interviews, but my mind immediately went to Jo as the culprit. I pressed my boss and asked her if it was Jo. She admitted it was.
Here is the problem... For one of the projects, Jo was never involved in the work because it did not pertain to her position and therefore she does not even know my involvement with it. For the other project, she took a position with a different branch and had no involvement in the work until 1.5 years later when she returned to the branch. At that point, I completed the project and handed it over to a different team for maintenance. Therefore, she has no way of knowing my contributions to these two projects. In the interview, I felt I was honest about my involvement and I did not embellish anything.
In the interview panel, there were high-level senior leadership. They were either not involved in the two projects or joined the organization after the projects were complete. If I ever want to get promoted, I will need to go through similar interviews again and the panel will consist of the same members. However, I feel that my reputation is tarnished by Jo’s lie and it will be extremely difficult to get promoted now. What is my recourse?
Jobadvisor
This is a serious matter, especially in a government setting where "integrity" and "representation of facts" are the cornerstones of leadership evaluations. Jo didn't just provide a negative opinion; she made a factual allegation of dishonesty, which is a direct hit to your professional reputation.
Since you have documented proof that her claims were false, you have several avenues for recourse. Because you were a "close second," it is highly probable that this allegation was the deciding factor.
1. Request a Formal "Rebuttal" Meeting
Since your boss (the hiring manager) has already been transparent with you, use that relationship to clear your name. You should not let the "misrepresentation" label sit on your file or in the minds of senior leadership.
The Strategy: Do not frame this as an attack on Jo. Frame it as a "clarification of project records" to ensure the panel has accurate information for future succession planning.
The Action: Ask your boss for a follow-up meeting specifically to address the feedback regarding those two projects. Say: "I value the feedback, but I am deeply concerned about the note regarding misrepresentation. For my own professional development and the integrity of the process, I’ve pulled the project documentation. I’d like to walk you through my specific role to ensure there isn't a misunderstanding."
2. Present the "Evidence Bundle"
Prepare a concise, one-page summary for each of the two projects. This isn't just for your boss; it’s to force a correction of the record.
Project Charters: Showing your name as the Lead/Project Manager.
Approval Emails: Final sign-offs or "well done" notes from stakeholders at the time.
Timeline Comparison: A simple table showing Jo’s absence from the branch during the project lifecycle versus your active involvement.
3. Address the "Jo Factor" via HR or Ombudsman
In government roles, there are usually strict "Selection Advisory Committee" (SAC) guidelines. Panelists are required to remain objective. If Jo commented on projects she had no involvement in, she violated the panel's integrity.
Inquiry: You can ask HR or the recruitment office about the process for contesting interview feedback that contains factual inaccuracies.
The "Bias" Argument: If Jo is consistently on these panels, you may eventually need to request that she be recused from your future interviews due to a documented conflict of interest (her providing false factual information about your work history).
4. Correcting the Reputation with Senior Leadership
The other panel members now think you are a "stretcher of the truth." To fix this without looking defensive:
The Presentation: If possible, find an opportunity to present on one of those projects or a related topic in a forum where those senior leaders are present.
The Follow-up: If you have a mentor among those senior leaders, bring it up casually: "In my post-interview feedback, there seemed to be some confusion about my role in Project X. I've realized I need to be clearer about my leadership there, as that project was a major milestone I led from start to finish."
Comparison of Recourse Options
| Option | Pros | Cons |
| Informal with Boss | Low risk; preserves the relationship. | Might not reach the other senior leaders' ears. |
| Formal Rebuttal | Forces a written correction to your file. | Can be seen as "not taking feedback well" if not handled delicately. |
| HR Grievance | Protects you from future sabotage by Jo. | Nuclear option; may create a rift in the department. |
Forced to resign?
So im just trying to figure this out--
my employer is telling me i need to resign as my medical leave wasn't approved through the company benefit system, and if i dont they have to fire me for missing time at work.
I am only one paperwork away from getting paid leave from the state, and im curious if i get that paperwork, and the state approves it, would it still be illegal to make me resign/terminate me for missed time? who do i even talk to about it. they made it seem like i have no other options and swindled me into a resignation via email and idk if theres anything i can do now.
any advice welcome..
Jobadvisor
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you were cornered into a decision during an incredibly vulnerable time. What you are describing—being told you must resign or be fired—is often referred to legally as "constructive discharge" or a "forced resignation."
In many jurisdictions, a resignation submitted under duress or based on misinformation (like being told you have "no other options") may not be legally valid.
1. Is it illegal to terminate you?
If you are eligible for FMLA (Federal) or State Paid Leave, your job is often legally protected.
State vs. Company: Your employer’s internal "benefit system" does not override state or federal law. If the state approves your leave, it typically comes with job protection. This means they generally cannot fire you for missing time that is covered by that protected leave.
Retaliation: Forcing a resignation because an employee is seeking medical leave can be considered a form of illegal retaliation or interference with your rights.
2. Can you undo the resignation?
Because you mentioned you were "swindled" into this via email, you may still have a window to act.
Rescind the Resignation Immediately: Send a follow-up email immediately. You can say something like: "I am writing to formally rescind my resignation sent on [Date]. That email was sent under duress after being told I had no other choice. I am currently in the process of finalizing my state-approved medical leave and intend to return to my position once the leave period is complete."
Why this matters: Even if they refuse to "accept" the rescission, it creates a paper trail showing that the resignation was not voluntary. This is crucial for future legal claims or for collecting unemployment benefits.
3. Who should you talk to?
You should move quickly to get professional eyes on your specific situation:
Department of Labor (WHD): If you are FMLA-eligible, call them at 1-866-487-9243. They handle cases where employers interfere with medical leave.
State Paid Leave Office: Call the agency handling your "one paperwork away" application. Tell them your employer is threatening termination/forced resignation and ask what protections their approval provides.
Employment Lawyer: Many offer free initial consultations. They can tell you if you have a "wrongful termination" or "constructive discharge" case.
Unemployment Office: If you do end up out of a job, explain to the unemployment office that the resignation was forced. In most states, if you are "forced to resign," you are still eligible for benefits as if you were fired.
4. Important Warning
Do not sign anything else. If they send you a "Separation Agreement" or a "Release of Claims," do not sign it. These documents often include a clause where you give up your right to sue the company in exchange for a small amount of money (severance).
Independent contractor was erroneously enrolled in company health care. Where to go from here?
The small/mid sized independent company I work for employs one staff member on a 1099. Due to a combination of previous HR person not understanding the legalities and an error in our payroll system, this employee was enrolled in the company health care plan for about 6 months. They were classified as an active full time employee by the carrier and had their portion of their premium deducted from each check during that time. The error was only realized in the past week when our payroll system updated and made it impossible to include insurance deductions for 1099 employees.
What makes sense for next steps here? Our insurance rep was contacted and said this employee could be eligible for COBRA if we back date his status as an active employee. Does that sound like the right thing to do?
For some context if relevant, the employee is not a US citizen but is a legal resident. From a moral standpoint, the business owners want to continue providing health insurance for this employee, or at least aid in the transition.
(And just so no one yells at me, I’m not the one who made any of these errors. I’m just doing what I can now to make it right.)
Jobadvisor
This is a messy situation, but it's very common in growing companies. You are essentially dealing with a compliance error that has significant tax and legal implications for both the company and the contractor.
While your insurance rep suggested COBRA, that is a risky "quick fix" because COBRA is legally reserved for employees. Using it for a 1099 contractor essentially doubles down on the original mistake of misclassifying them as an employee for benefits purposes.
Here is a breakdown of the risks and a "moral" path forward.
1. The Legal Risk: "The Misclassification Trap"
By enrolling a 1099 contractor in a group health plan, the company has inadvertently provided the IRS and the Department of Labor (DOL) "evidence" that this person is actually an employee.
The Danger: If the IRS decides this person is an employee, the company could be on the hook for back-taxes (Social Security, Medicare), unpaid overtime, and penalties for every month they were misclassified.
2 The Benefit Risk: Most group insurance contracts strictly limit coverage to W-2 employees.
3 If the contractor had a major medical claim (e.g., a $100k surgery), the insurance carrier could investigate, find they aren't a W-2 employee, and deny the claim entirely, leaving the company legally liable for the bill.
2. Is COBRA the right move?
Probably not. COBRA is a continuation of employee benefits.
If you "back-date" them as an employee to trigger COBRA, you are creating a paper trail that says they were an employee. This complicates their 1099 status even further.
Better Alternative: Since the error was the company’s, the "cleanest" way to handle this is to help the contractor transition to an Individual Marketplace plan (ACA).
3. A Moral and Compliant Path Forward
Since the business owners want to do the right thing, here is how to "aid the transition" without creating a legal nightmare:
Step 1: The "Termination" of Coverage: Inform the contractor that due to a system error, they were enrolled in a plan they weren't eligible for. Stop the deductions immediately.
Step 2: The Healthcare Stipend: Instead of providing the insurance, the company can provide a monthly grossed-up stipend (extra pay) specifically intended to help them buy their own private insurance.
5 Note: This must be handled as taxable income to the contractor, not a tax-free benefit.
Step 3: Special Enrollment Period: The loss of "job-based" coverage (even if it was erroneous) usually triggers a Special Enrollment Period (SEP), allowing the contractor to sign up for a plan on Healthcare.gov outside of the normal open enrollment window.
Step 4: Refund the Premiums (Optional): Since the company made the error, the owners might choose to refund the portion of the premiums that were deducted from the contractor's checks over the last 6 months as a gesture of goodwill.
4. Regarding the Immigration Status
The update about the immigration lawyer is vital. In some cases, providing "employee-only" benefits to someone authorized only for "contractor" work could theoretically complicate their visa or residency status. The lawyer will likely advise that the "cleaner" the separation between "Employee" and "Contractor" is, the better for their legal residency.