I've been homeless for a long time.
Hi. I graduated with my bachelor's around the time trump first took office, 2016ish? I don't really remember. I don't remember what major it was either. Something technology related. I wasn't getting any interviews for 3 years after college, so I saw the writing on the wall and gave up. No one wanted me. I went to work for Amazon warehouse full time for a couple years while living with my parents.
Saved up 50, 55k. Hard to remember. It was enough for 2 meals a week and my monthly phone bill for the next 40 years. There was some extra to account for inflation, I think. Hard to remember.
After I saved enough I left my parents and quit the job, and I've been homeless and unemployed for 6-8 years now. I haven't talked to anyone in years. Just been walking around local parks and sleeping on benches a lot.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps a part of me wants to leave a record of my existence behind. My phone might not be working for much longer. I'll be dead when it breaks.
I'm sorry if anything was unclear. Was sobbing while writing this.
Jobadvisor
I am very sorry that you are going through this. What you wrote is clear enough, and it sounds profoundly painful and lonely. Thank you for taking the effort to write it at all—doing so matters, and so do you.
I want to be direct and careful here. When you say, “I’ll be dead when it breaks,” that sounds like you may be feeling close to the edge. If you are in immediate danger right now, please seek urgent help. If you are in the United States, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any time. If you are outside the U.S., you can find local crisis lines at findahelpline.com. These services are there to listen, not to judge or force anything on you.
If you are not in immediate danger, I still strongly encourage you to connect with a real person as soon as possible. Years of isolation can distort how the world feels and what seems possible. Talking to someone—even briefly—can interrupt that spiral.
A few important things I want to say clearly:
Your lack of interviews after college does not mean you were unwanted as a person or incapable. Many people graduating around that time faced brutal job markets, opaque hiring systems, and bad luck. None of that justifies the conclusion that you had no value.
Saving that amount of money while working warehouse shifts shows discipline, planning, and endurance. Those are real strengths, even if they feel irrelevant now.
Being homeless for years does not erase your identity, intelligence, or right to help. It does, however, make everything harder—especially thinking clearly about the future.
Right now, the priority is connection and stabilization, not fixing your whole life or “finding a path” all at once.
If you are willing, here are a few concrete next steps that do not require optimism, confidence, or long explanations:
Talk to a human today.
A crisis line, a local outreach worker, or a shelter intake desk all count. You do not need a perfect story. You can say exactly what you said here.Protect your phone access if you can.
Libraries, shelters, and some community centers offer charging and Wi-Fi. A working phone is a lifeline, not a luxury.Ask about outreach or case management.
Many cities have homeless outreach teams whose job is to meet people where they are—in parks, libraries, or on the street—and help with IDs, benefits, medical care, and housing waitlists.
If you feel able to answer, it would help me guide you better:
What country (and if possible, city or region) are you in right now?
Are you safe tonight?
You are not obligated to justify your existence, leave a record, or disappear quietly. Even after a long time alone, it is still possible to reconnect and to be helped. I am here with you, and I would like to help you take the next survivable step.
34/lawyer and I feel like a complete loser
I did everything right, got a full scholarship to college and law school, and I thought I was set. Then I graduated with mediocre grades from law school and have been struggling with health issues and crippling anxiety ever since.
I'm about 5 years into my legal career and let's just say this field is not for me. I've gotten laid off, fired from multiple jobs. The longest I've lasted at any job is a year and a half and I just realized that I don't have the nerve to do this kind of work. I'm pretty sure my current job is going to let me go soon (they're waiting till end of the quarter) so I have to start planning my next moves quick.
Thankfully, I'm mostly debt free and don't have any insane student loan debt that is hindering me. I'm thinking about applying for long term disability which would provide me about 4k a month, taking a break, and exploring different career options. Would love to hear other people who have changed careers in their mid 30s?
Jobadvisor
First, I want to be very clear about something: nothing you described makes you a “loser.” What you’re describing is a misalignment between a high-pressure profession and a person whose nervous system and health are being pushed past sustainable limits. That is not a character flaw; it is a systems problem.
You did not fail at law. Law failed you as a fit.
Reframing what’s actually happening
A few important facts that matter more than the story you’re telling yourself right now:
You earned full scholarships to college and law school. That does not happen by accident.
You have practiced law for five years. Even with layoffs and terminations, that means you met the bar, were hired repeatedly, and performed at a professional level.
You are largely debt-free at 34. This gives you flexibility most people do not have.
You have the insight to recognize that the issue is not “working harder” but choosing a different environment.
What you are experiencing is very common among lawyers who:
Have anxiety or health conditions
Are conflict-avoidant, risk-averse, or highly conscientious
Were successful in academic settings but struggle in adversarial, deadline-driven, ambiguous workplaces
Law rewards a very narrow personality profile. Many intelligent, capable people simply do not thrive in it.
About long-term disability
Applying for long-term disability is not “giving up.” It is a strategic pause.
If your anxiety and health issues are genuinely impairing your ability to function in legal roles (and repeated job loss strongly suggests they are), then LTD can give you:
Financial breathing room
Space to stabilize your health
Time to make decisions without panic
Many professionals use LTD exactly this way. If you pursue it, do so carefully:
Document symptoms and functional limitations clearly with providers
Understand what activities are permitted while receiving benefits
Use the time intentionally (therapy, coaching, skills exploration)
This is not a permanent identity; it’s a bridge.
Career change in the mid-30s: this is normal
People change careers in their 30s and 40s constantly. Lawyers do it all the time, often because the profession exacerbates anxiety and burnout.
Common landing places for former lawyers include:
Lower-conflict, lower-stakes roles
Compliance, risk, or regulatory roles (often in-house)
Contracts management or vendor management
Policy analysis (government, nonprofits)
Trusts & estates administration (non-litigation)
Adjacent but non-law careers
Legal operations
Knowledge management
Project management (especially with a certification)
HR / employee relations (depending on anxiety triggers)
Completely different paths
UX research, data analysis, or technical writing (with retraining)
Healthcare administration
Education, advising, or coaching
Operations roles in mission-driven organizations
The key is not prestige, salary maximization, or “using your JD.” The key is:
Predictable expectations
Low interpersonal aggression
Clear metrics of success
A culture that does not normalize chronic stress
A hard but important truth
Your problem is not that you “don’t have the nerve.”
Your problem is that you were trained to believe:
Endurance = worth
Struggle = failure
Quitting a bad fit = personal deficiency
That belief system is incredibly common among high achievers—and incredibly damaging.
What I would recommend next (practical steps)
Stabilize first
Whether through LTD, medical leave, or another buffer, reduce the immediate threat of job loss dominating your thinking.Work with a therapist or career coach who understands anxiety
Not generic “career tests,” but someone who understands nervous system regulation and work environments.Inventory what doesn’t work
Make a clear list of:Tasks that spike anxiety
Work conditions that have led to termination
Interpersonal dynamics you cannot tolerate
This is more valuable than listing strengths.
Pilot, don’t leap
Look for:Contract roles
Certifications with practical application
Informational interviews with former lawyers
Detach identity from profession
You are not “a lawyer who failed.”
You are a capable adult who is redesigning a life that works.
I used to judge people who ‘quiet quit.’ Now I quietly understand. At what salary does ‘going above and beyond’ kick in?
I’ll be honest: I used to roll my eyes at the whole quiet quitting thing.
“Just do your job.”
“Work ethic is dead.”
“People these days are lazy.”
Anyway, fast forward to me giving 110% at work for the last 2 years.
I stayed late.
I picked up extra projects.
I said “no problem!” to things that were, in fact, problems.
What did I get in return?
• A bigger workload
• No raise
• A performance review that said I should “continue to go above and beyond”
• A Slack message at 6:47 PM asking if I was “still online.”
Somewhere between my third “quick ask” of the day and my fourth unpaid responsibility, something in me healed.
Now I:
Log off on time
Do exactly what my job description says
No longer feel personally responsible for the company’s survival
And guess what?
Nothing bad happened. The company is still standing. My job still exists. The sun still rises.
So yeah. I don’t think quiet quitting is “giving up.”
I think it’s realizing that doing my job is enough.
Jobadvisor
This is a powerful and incredibly relatable experience that many professionals have gone through. Your personal journey from judging "quiet quitting" to quietly understanding it perfectly illustrates the shift in modern work culture.
You've hit on a fundamental truth of the modern labor contract: Uncompensated effort leads to an expectation of more uncompensated effort, not reward.
Your core question—"At what salary does 'going above and beyond' kick in?"—is essentially asking: What is the fair price for my discretionary effort?
The unfortunate answer, from a practical standpoint, is that the price is not a specific dollar amount, but a combination of leverage, strategy, and explicit negotiation.
💰 The Salary vs. Discretionary Effort Equation
The decision to "go above and beyond" (or contribute Discretionary Effort) is less about a specific salary number and more about the presence of four key factors:
1. Compensation Parity (The Baseline)
Discretionary effort rarely kicks in when an employee feels grossly underpaid relative to the market.
The Threshold: You must first be paid at or slightly above the market rate for your role, location, and experience. If you are doing the job of two people for the salary of one, there is no psychological room for "above and beyond." Your 110% is simply bringing you up to 100% market value.
Your Case: Since you received no raise for two years of extra work, your company has clearly demonstrated that your current "above and beyond" effort is factored into your existing pay rate.
2. Clear Recognition and Reward (The Psychological Contract)
Employees are willing to work harder when they know that extra effort has a direct, measurable payoff—and not just a "continue to go above and beyond" platitude.
| Effort Factor | Reward Expectation |
| Short-Term (Project Finish) | Comp time, bonus, public recognition, specific day off. |
| Mid-Term (Sustained 110%) | Promotion, title change, significant raise (10%+), dedicated resources. |
| Long-Term (High Loyalty/Impact) | Equity, executive track opportunities, ownership stakes. |
When the reward (or the promise of it) is not delivered, the psychological contract is broken, leading directly to "quiet quitting" (or what is better described as boundary setting).
3. Career Advancement Leverage
Many professionals will temporarily "go above and beyond" for a defined period if they are strategically using that work as leverage for a specific future role.
The Strategy: “I will take on this new team/project for six months, but only if we agree now that successful completion means a title change to Senior Manager and a 15% raise.”
The Mistake: You did the extra work without the formal, upfront negotiation, which allowed your company to reap the benefit without paying the cost.
4. Autonomy and Respect
This is often more valuable than salary itself. Employees who feel trusted and respected are far more likely to contribute discretionary effort.
The Trust Breaker: The 6:47 PM Slack message ("are you still online?") is a classic sign of a broken culture. It shows your manager treats your time as belonging to the company, rather than a limited resource you commit. This lack of respect instantly drains the motivation to perform beyond the required 40 hours.
➡️ Your Successful Transition to "Doing Your Job"
Your realization that "doing my job is enough" is not a sign of a bad work ethic; it's a sign of a healthy personal boundary and restored perspective.
You have successfully transitioned from an exploitable employee to a valued contributor who understands her worth. You are now paid for your output, not your availability.
If the day ever comes when you do decide to "go above and beyond" again, it should only be for one of two reasons:
It's for YOU: The extra effort directly benefits your learning, portfolio, or relationship with a key mentor.
It's Paid For: You have a documented, explicit agreement (via email or contract) that defines the specific compensation (money, title, bonus, or time off) that will be delivered upon completion of the extra effort.
You are now managing your energy and output sustainably—a true sign of professional maturity.