I Was Burnt Out at Amazon, and I Didn't Even Know It
This is the first installment of Business Insider's five-part series, The Burnout Cure, which examines how people recognize burnout, confront it, and rebuild their lives on the other side.
I was 38, leading a global team, and overseeing a huge mandate at Amazon. The role was exhilarating—and terrifying. I threw myself into it, driven by the size of the opportunity.
Two years in, my team had 18 major projects underway. I was working at a frantic pace, spending hours on my weekly report to the vice presidents, detailing our massive progress. The return? Silence. Maybe one "thx" in two years.
“At Amazon, silence from the top means you’re doing a good job,” a colleague joked, but the feedback vacuum was crippling. Was I moving fast enough? Still aligned with priorities? Anxiety filled the void. I pushed my team and myself even harder.
I’d once loved yoga, reading, and movies, but those passions had faded. When I did find time for something enjoyable, I was distracted, checking my phone for urgent emails. It felt easier to just stay vigilant, always on.
That Friday afternoon, staring at my sent report, I thought, None of this actually matters. But the next thought was that I had to keep pushing—that if I slowed down, my entire career would collapse.
Later, sitting numbly in the parking garage, it hit me: Is this what burnout feels like?
It was. I just hadn't realized it could happen to someone like me.
🛑 I Used to Think Burnout Was for the Weak
I was naturally driven and thrived on being busy. I thought burnout was a sign of weakness.
At Amazon, it was hard to distinguish between burning out and just keeping up. I was surrounded by smart, driven colleagues, and I loved the challenge and the lack of boredom. But the dark side was the combination of scarce resources, time pressure, and a collective inability to say no. It was a recipe for exhaustion.
I’d been raised to believe sheer willpower could achieve anything. When I struggled, I saw it as a failure of effort, not a sign of normal human limits. I carried this harsh self-judgment through my career. My version of self-care was drinking wine and shopping, which only drained me more.
When I finally recognized my burnout, I was able to face it. And over the next few months, without saying a single word to my boss or coworkers, I slowly pulled myself back to health.
Here’s what I did to get there:
1. I Practiced True Self-Care (Not Shopping) 🧘♀️
Shopping is fun, but what I actually needed were basics: sleep and food.
I started reading novels instead of emails before bed.
I made a point of eating lunch every day, even if it was at my desk.
Occasionally, I snuck out for a short walk around the block.
I waited for my "gentler lifestyle" to backfire—I was convinced slowing down would be a disaster. But nothing happened. No one at work seemed to notice. The catastrophic stories I’d told myself about being "found out" were not based in reality.
2. I Learned to Say No 🚫
I couldn't change Amazon's culture, but I could dial back the work I volunteered for. I was someone who rarely turned down ad hoc committees or mentorship requests, but those "after-school" assignments did little to advance my career. At review time, all that mattered was growing the business.
I decided: Unless an opportunity offered a clear benefit to me (or was important to my trusted boss), I’d turn it down.
I felt like a selfish jerk at first, but once again, the sky didn't fall. People simply moved to the next candidate.
When I did say yes, I was more engaged. I realized: Fun counts as a benefit. A day where I laughed or did work that fascinated me was a day where I got something instead of just giving.
3. I Became a Beginner Again 🎓
My fear of embarrassment at work kept me from challenging myself in new ways. To keep the stakes low, I started looking for modest challenges outside of work:
Learning to solve British-style crosswords.
Making a soufflé.
Later, adding Italian lessons and training for a half-marathon.
These "electives" became a safe place to make rookie errors. They reminded me that being a beginner is exhilarating and that I was more than just my job.
4. I Got Help from a Pro ðŸ§
I found a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They taught me how to distinguish between passing thoughts and objective reality.
When I thought, "If I say no, someone will think I’m lazy," I learned to ask: Do I have evidence of that? What would I say to a friend with this same worry?
I still experienced panicky feelings, but I stopped mistaking them for facts.
Two Tips for People Facing Burnout Today
My comeback was imperfect, and I never worked up the courage to talk about burnout with my managers. In a culture where overwork was worn as a badge of honor, I feared being marked as lazy or weak.
For anyone facing burnout right now, especially in this era of mass layoffs:
Pushing through won't make you better at your job. The numb, frightened, sleepless version of you can’t fire on all cylinders, which is what actually puts your job at risk. Prioritizing your basic needs is critical.
Small steps matter. Maybe you can't turn down extra assignments or start an Italian class. But you can make sure to eat lunch. You can carve out a three-minute breathing space (no one can find you in a restroom stall). You can run modest experiments, like closing your email after 8 PM, just to see how it goes.
Pick something to try. Once it becomes a habit, add something else. The benefits will slowly accumulate, and you’ll begin to recognize yourself again.