My HR manager gossips about everything reported to him?
I work at a bicoastal company, and for my first 3 years he was the only HR representative for the company. This year the NY office hired an HR representative that is now his boss, and she is significantly more professional than he is, but somewhat reluctant to get involved with incidents at our office as that is supposed to be his job. The thing is, he is a gossip that is only concerned about being cool with the people he considers his friends, but he even gossips about them. I'm talking both their personal life and any complaints from/about them. The impression I get is he believes that when people come to him with complaints, it is to gossip and not because he is HR and should be the one to do something about it. So many people have told me they do not report verbal abuse fro management because HR will not do anything about it but make it worse (example telling the manager who said what and hiding it from the upper management.) I once was in his office for a work related question and he received an incident report which he proceeded to show me and talk ish about both people involved. He's also talked to me about how much certain people get paid, along with people taking leave and for what reasons, completely unprovoked. I've also made a complaint to him about verbal abuse from upper management, and later that year a coworker from a different department told me they heard about it. Upper management is aware and even engages in this behavior with him - there was once a report of sexual harassment made against one of HR's friends and he and the COO said a write ur that person would be unnecessary. Keep in mind this same HR manager also once threw a mug of coffee at the controller, the owner was aware, no write up, suspension, no consequences. Someone had reported to the NY HR that our HR manager talks about people's wages, and he was angry, but literally said "They can't prove it." I guess my question is - I understand some of this is surely illegal, but I have no concrete proof and upper management doesn't seem to care at all. What should I do? I work with him directly and it is becoming an increasingly stressful work environment.
Jobadvisor
This is a truly messy situation. You're dealing with an HR manager who seems to view his role as a clearinghouse for workplace drama rather than a guardian of policy and confidentiality—and he's got enablers in upper management. That's a toxic brew.
It sounds like you've correctly identified that this isn't just about bad manners; it's potentially about serious policy violations and legal liabilities for the company.
Here is a straightforward plan of action, keeping in mind your need to protect yourself and your job:
1. Document Everything (The "I'm Not Making This Up" File)
Since you have no "concrete proof" right now, you need to start gathering it for yourself. This is not for immediate confrontation, but for protection and escalation.
Create a Log: Start a secure, private log (on your personal computer or in a physical notebook kept at home) of every incident you've witnessed or heard about directly.
Be Specific: For each entry, include:
Date and Time (as close as possible).
People Involved (the HR manager, the person being gossiped about, the person who told you).
Details of the Incident: E.g., "HR manager showed me an incident report in his office and discussed A and B's personal issues on [Date]." Or, "Coworker [Name] from [Department] told me they heard about my verbal abuse complaint to HR."
Quotes (if possible): Write down the exact, cringe-worthy quotes, like his comment, "They can't prove it."
2. Bypass and Escalate to the Right Person
Your local HR manager and your upper management (COO, owner) have demonstrated they are either complicit or ineffective. You need to go above them.
Go to the NY HR Representative: She is the new boss, and she is described as "significantly more professional." While she's been reluctant, the sheer volume and severity of the issues—especially those that cross state lines or involve wage and medical privacy violations—make this her problem now.
Frame it as a Risk to the Company: Don't just complain about him being a jerk. State that his actions are creating a Hostile Work Environment and exposing the company to significant legal risk due to:
Breach of Confidentiality (showing incident reports, discussing pay, sharing FMLA/medical leave details).
Retaliation/Failure to Act (telling the manager who complained, throwing a coffee mug with no consequence, dismissing a sexual harassment complaint).
Present Your Log (Carefully): You don't need to dump everything on her at once, but reference specific, documented events. For instance, "I am concerned about the company's liability, as [Local HR Manager] showed me a confidential incident report in his office on [Date], and has shared employees' pay rates and medical leave information."
3. Consider External Reporting (If Necessary)
If the NY HR representative dismisses your concerns or if the retaliation starts, you have other avenues:
Contact Legal Counsel: An employment lawyer can evaluate your log and advise you on potential claims. Given the mentions of discussing wages and medical leave (which touches on HIPAA/FMLA issues), and a dismissed sexual harassment claim, there are serious red flags.
Government Agencies: Depending on the nature of the complaints he mishandles:
EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission): For reports of discrimination, harassment, and retaliation (like the sexual harassment complaint being dismissed).
Department of Labor: For issues related to wage and hour laws (if he's violating state/federal rules by discussing compensation).
Final Word of Caution
You work directly with this person, so your safety and employment are paramount.
Do not confront him directly.
Keep your log private and off company devices/networks.
Understand that reporting carries a risk of retaliation, even though retaliation for reporting illegal/unethical activity is itself illegal. This is why escalating to his boss in NY is the safest first move.
It takes courage to challenge a system as broken as this one, especially when you work with the problem child. Good luck—you'll need a coffee mug, but please, keep it to yourself.
How can a woman 50+ even survive?
I was recently placed on a PIP (I posted about it) that was ridiculous and could be easily proven false.
Right afterwards, everyone at my level in my specific group was given a list of preposterous and unreachable goals for the next fiscal year.
All the people at my level are 45+ women and one 60+ man.
I found out today that this whole thing is being orchestrated by my manager, who wants to promote his office darling, a young and pretty woman whose work is nowhere near the level or expertise of the older workers. She still needs constant correction and supervision, which none of the rest of us do.
He was told by upper management that he can't promote anyone else unless one of us leaves.
His behavior with this young woman has also raised eyebrows across the entire company. I recently realized that he's been backfilling some of her role and covering for her to make her appear much more effective and competent than she actually is.
I'm sitting here thinking how impossible everything feels. It isn't enough to be among the very best in your field, to have strong industry relationships and experience and knowledge. A manager will still come along and try to destroy you because of the direction his peepee is pointing.
I've obviously been applying everywhere but it isn't going anywhere. I'm nearly 50. No one is going to want to hire me. The economy is an absolute mess. Am I supposed to just go crawl under a rock and die now?
Jobadvisor
I can hear how painful and unfair this is — and you’re absolutely right to feel angry, exhausted, and scared. What you’re describing isn’t just a bad manager; it’s a combination of ageism, sexism, and retaliation, and it’s devastating when it targets you at this stage of your career — especially after years of proving your worth. You’re not alone in this, even though it can feel that way. Let’s break this into a few practical and emotional steps that can help you survive — and eventually move forward.
💔 First: Acknowledge What’s Happening
You’re not imagining this. What you’re seeing is discrimination and favoritism. Many women over 45 face similar treatment — being pushed out, undermined, or made to feel obsolete so that management can justify “fresh blood.” That’s not a reflection of your value. It’s a reflection of their insecurity, bias, and lack of ethics.
You have every right to feel betrayed and demoralized. But don’t internalize their behavior as proof that you’re done. You’re not.
🧠Second: Protect Yourself Strategically
You can’t fix the manager, but you can quietly document and shield yourself:
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Document everything
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Keep a private, timestamped log (email it to your personal account).
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Include details: dates, what was said/done, who was present, and how expectations shifted.
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Save copies of your PIP, performance reviews, and emails showing your actual achievements.
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Avoid confrontation for now
It’s tempting to call it out directly, but since he’s orchestrating this, confrontation could be used against you. Stay calm, do solid work, and focus on documentation. -
Talk to HR — but carefully
If you have an HR department that isn’t in your manager’s pocket, consider a factual, unemotional report — especially about favoritism, false evaluations, and potential ethics violations. But if HR is known to protect management, wait until you have another job lined up. -
Consult an employment attorney
Especially one who specializes in age and gender discrimination. Many offer free consultations, and even if you don’t sue, they can help you craft responses and protect your rights if the company pushes you out.
🧠Third: Reclaim Control of Your Career
It’s understandable to feel like no one hires people over 50 — but that’s not entirely true. The landscape has changed:
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Small companies, nonprofits, startups, and consulting work often love experienced professionals who can hit the ground running without hand-holding.
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Networking is 10x more effective than online job portals. Reach out quietly to former colleagues, clients, vendors, and industry peers. Let them know you’re exploring new options.
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LinkedIn visibility: Update your profile to emphasize leadership, mentorship, problem-solving, and tangible impact — not years. Avoid phrasing that dates you (e.g., “25 years of experience” → “extensive experience in…”).
You could even consider:
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Fractional or contract work — Many seasoned professionals are thriving in these roles.
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Consulting / coaching / independent projects — Use your credibility to advise smaller players.
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Upskilling — A short certification in a current tool or method (AI, data literacy, new software) can signal “relevant and current,” even if you rarely use it.
💪 Fourth: Protect Your Mental Health
This kind of workplace betrayal cuts deep. Please:
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Take care of your sleep, nutrition, and physical activity — they’re your resilience foundation.
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Limit how much of your day you give to thinking about him.
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Vent to people you trust, not at work.
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If it’s getting dark emotionally (and your last line suggests it’s close), please don’t face it alone. A counselor or therapist — ideally someone who understands workplace trauma and age discrimination — can help you find steadiness again.
If you ever find yourself feeling like “I can’t go on,” call or text your local crisis line (in the U.S., that’s 988, available 24/7) — you don’t have to be suicidal to reach out. Sometimes you just need someone to help you breathe through the moment.
❤️ Finally: Please know this
You have not reached the end of your usefulness or value. What’s happening to you is part of a broken system — not a reflection of your worth. You are still the same capable, experienced, sharp person you’ve always been. You’ve been forced into survival mode, but this is not your final chapter.
There are organizations and leaders who respect mature professionals. The challenge is finding them — and getting out of toxic environments like this one.
Co worker has been there 30 years i’ve been there 2 year, we both make $115,000 does he have a right to be angry and hostile towards me?
So i work for Amtrak.. without going into the specifics of my job title i work in operations and have only been with the company 2 years.. i don’t have a background or any experience and just my high school diploma.. when i started i was earning $24 hr as a conductor and within a year i took a new position in operations with a starting salary of $115,000. So i went from hourly to salary.. my co worker has been working the same desk for 30 years is upset with just about every new hire because we come in at the rate negotiated by the collective bargaining agreement of $115,000.. we are the only position in the company that works in management* that’s under a union agreement everyone else is at will..
should i feel bad about my salary being i’ve only been here 2 years VS his 30 and we make the same amount of money? he sure as heck makes it feel that way and it creates an unpleasant work environment for a lot of new hires.
any advice would be appreciated!!
Jobadvisor
That's a sticky situation, and it sounds incredibly frustrating to deal with that hostility daily.
Here's a straightforward breakdown of the situation and some advice:
🎯 The Reality of the Situation
Does he have a right to be angry? He certainly has a right to feel angry, even if it's misplaced. Thirty years of loyalty and experience, only to see a new hire (you) come in at the same rate, can feel like a profound lack of respect or valuation from the company. It stings. His anger is likely directed at the system (the union contract, the company's pay structure) but is being expressed toward the most visible, immediate symptom: you and the other new hires.
Is his hostility justified? Absolutely not. Being angry about pay doesn't grant anyone the right to create a "hostile work environment" or make the workplace unpleasant for others. That's unprofessional and detrimental to the team.
Should you feel bad? No. You took advantage of a contract and a position that was offered to you, which is what any smart person would do. You didn't set the pay scale; the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) did. You are compensated exactly what the union and the company agreed that position is worth, regardless of the person filling it.
💡 Why the Pay is Equal
The key factor here is the union agreement (CBA).
Union-negotiated management positions often have a set rate for the job, not for the person. The agreement determines that this specific role in operations management is valued at $115,000.
Your coworker's thirty years of service likely means he's hit the top of the pay scale defined for his position, and the union contract simply doesn't allow for a higher rate based on tenure beyond that maximum. This structure benefits newer hires by ensuring they start at a competitive, fair rate, but it can make long-timers feel stuck and undervalued.
🛡️ Advice on How to Handle This
Don't Apologize for Your Salary: You earned the position and are paid what the contract dictates. Saying "I'm sorry" implies you did something wrong. You didn't.
Maintain Professional Distance: Your focus should be on doing your job well. Keep interactions with him strictly professional.
Keep it brief: "Good morning." "Yes, I'll get that report to you." "Thanks for the information."
Don't engage in the salary talk: If he brings it up, a simple, neutral response is best. Something like, "I understand it's frustrating, but I'm just here doing the job I was hired for under the terms of the CBA," or even a simple, "That's between you and the union/company," and then quickly pivot back to work.
Be Excellent at Your Job: The fastest way to neutralize the "you haven't paid your dues" argument is to demonstrate competence and value. Learn the job, be reliable, and become the person people rely on, including him.
Know When to Escalate (The Hostility): While you can let grumpy comments about pay slide, hostility is a different matter. If his behavior crosses the line into truly disruptive, harassing, or hostile behavior (not just grumbling), you need to document it and talk to your supervisor or HR/Union Representative. A hostile work environment is a legitimate concern that management must address.
The witty, straightforward conclusion? He's mad at a contract, and you're the face of it. That's a "him problem," not a "you problem." Don't let someone else's decades-long contract frustration derail your two years of good fortune.