When Daniel Cox, a researcher at the American Enterprise Institute, looks at the state of American marriage, one idea jumps out: A strong marriage isn’t just about the two people saying “I do.” It’s also about the people they spend their time with.
“Our social environment — the people we hang around — profoundly influences our behavior,” Cox wrote recently in American Storylines. Just like it’s easier to pick up smoking if you’re surrounded by smokers, the same is true for relationship habits. “If a friend gets divorced, your odds of also getting divorced increase dramatically,” he notes.
It sounds dramatic, but research backs it up. In new polling from the Survey Center on American Life, 41% of divorced people say they have close friends who are also divorced, compared to only 21% of married or single people. And the effects don’t stop there: Cox found that marital satisfaction drops when people have close divorced friends. Nearly half of married Americans with no divorced friends say they’re “completely satisfied” in their relationship. For those who do have divorced friends, that number falls to 34%.
Correlation isn’t destiny, of course. But the pattern is strong enough to suggest that our social circles shape us more than we think.
Your Community Shapes Your Marriage
In an interview, Cox emphasized that even though marriage and divorce are deeply personal choices, they don’t happen in isolation.
A supportive community makes a difference. Hearing “you can work through this” from someone who cares about your marriage is worlds apart from hearing, “You could do better,” or “Just leave already.” We like to believe we rely solely on our own judgment with big decisions — but the people around us inevitably influence what feels possible or reasonable.
Individualism vs. Commitment
Cox also argues that the mindset required to build a long-lasting marriage clashes with America’s “me first” culture. That’s especially true among young, secular women, who are the group most likely to consider ending their marriage. Thirty-two percent say they’ve thought about divorce, compared to 20% of religious married women and 20% of secular married men.
“When it comes to relationships, that individualistic orientation can be really problematic,” he said. If the primary question is “How does this relationship meet my personal emotional needs?” rather than “What are we building together?” it becomes harder to endure the inevitable tough seasons.
And according to Cox, we’re seeing the results: not just in divorce rates, but in a culture where cutting ties — with parents, siblings, long-time friends, or even people with different political views — is becoming normal.
He’s careful to note that increased freedom has obvious benefits, especially for people in dangerous or abusive relationships. But he also warns about overcorrecting: “Don’t confuse the typical ups and downs of marital relationships with something that is inherently problematic and damaging.”
The Rise of “Divorce Culture”
Brad Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia and author of Get Married, echoes Cox’s findings. “Birds of a feather flock together. You are your friends,” he said. That includes your marital behavior.
Cox also noticed a shift in relationship advice online. A recent analysis of Reddit conversations showed a growing tendency to advise ending relationships instead of trying to repair them. That trend connects with what Wilcox and Maria Baer have called “divorce porn” — influencers who frame leaving a marriage as pure empowerment and personal liberation.
So What Can Couples Do?
The takeaway isn’t to ditch all your divorced friends. It’s simply to be intentional about cultivating a community that doesn’t just love you, but also cares about your marriage.
Wilcox puts it this way: friends should help each other navigate the rough spots “without landing in divorce court.” That means encouraging counseling, patience, growth — and yes, sometimes challenging each other when harmful patterns emerge.
Cox adds another layer: be thoughtful when seeking relationship advice from divorced friends. Their perspectives, shaped by their own experiences, may not always map onto your situation.
Ultimately, Cox argues that marriage is bigger than the couple at its center. “I’m not the only one with a stake in my marriage,” he says. Kids, extended family, and close friends are all affected when a marriage ends. “When a relationship ends, it doesn’t just impact the couple involved. It reverberates out.”
And that may be the real lesson: None of us are doing marriage alone — even when we think we are.