I don't know how to be a successful and proper adult
The issue is I HAVE dreams and hobbies and want to do things. I'm limited to a small range of the state because I rely on the bus, but I love thrifting and making new outfits. I love going out to eat and socializing. I love drawing and writing stories and coding. When I was a kid I wanted to be a paleontologist so bad because I was inspired by a dinosaur encyclopedia my mother read to me every night. I had drive and dreams and wants. I dream of settling down with another woman in a nice country side home on a farm raising live stock and growing our own plants but none of it feels obtainable due to the economy and my health. I feel very stuck and I want to finally "take flight" as my dad puts it but I don't even think I have the wings to do so anymore.
How do I live a life?? Please help me
Jobadvisor
I’m really glad you reached out. What you’re describing isn’t a personal failure — it’s what happens when someone tries to build an adult life without the stability, support, and scaffolding they actually need. You’re overloaded, under-supported, and still carrying dreams that matter. That’s not hopelessness — that’s someone who wants to live, but is trying to swim with weights tied to their ankles.
Let me break this into pieces you can work with, without pretending that “just try harder” is an answer.
🌱 First: You are not behind
Being 21–22 is still extremely young — and for autistic people, ADHDers, or anyone with chronic mental health challenges, timelines often unfold differently. You are not late. You’re overwhelmed, not defective.
What you’re dealing with (unstable home, a parent struggling with alcoholism, executive dysfunction, emotional abandonment) would throw anyone off course.
🌧️ Second: Your environment is draining your energy, not your motivation
A chaotic or unsafe household (emotionally or physically), plus a job that underpays you and offers no stability, plus untreated/undertreated mental health conditions = near-zero bandwidth.
You’re not unmotivated — you’re overloaded.
When the brain perceives constant stress or no reward, executive functions shut down. Vacuuming feels impossible. Laundry feels like climbing a mountain. This isn’t laziness. It’s neurobiology.
🔧 Third: We build “being an adult” in layers
Not all at once. Not by “being better.” But by stabilizing one small piece at a time.
Here are the layers, and what they can look like in realistic, neurodivergent-friendly steps.
🧱 LAYER 1: Immediate Safety + Stability
This is the foundation. Without it, nothing else works.
1. Are you safe at home?
An alcoholic parent + a father pushing you out can make your nervous system feel like it’s in survival mode.
If the environment feels unpredictable, your brain will be too overwhelmed to focus on adulthood skills.
If you ever feel unsafe, here are options (just take note, no need to act right now):
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Is there any friend, extended family, coworker, or community support who could temporarily help?
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Local housing resources, shelters, and transitional housing are often available for young adults even without kids.
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Some cities have autism/ADHD community resource centers that help with independent living planning.
You don’t need to solve this now — but knowing alternatives exist can reduce the “cornered animal” feeling.
🧱 LAYER 2: Executive Function Survival Mode — Tiny, Tiny Tasks
Instead of “clean your room” or “do laundry,” try:
The 5-Minute Rule
Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Do one micro-step:
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Pick up 5 items off the floor
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Put one load of clothes in a bag
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Wash 2 dishes
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Wipe a small corner of your desk
Stop when the timer stops.
Five minutes each day is progress.
Laundry hack (for ADHD/executive dysfunction)
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Don’t sort clothes.
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Don’t fold if you don’t need to.
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Wash once a week with everything combined unless it’s delicate.
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Throw clean clothes into a “clean clothes bin” instead of drawers — drawers are a bonus, not a requirement.
Cleaning hack
Choose one of these daily:
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Trash
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Laundry
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Surfaces
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Floors
Rotate. Zero pressure to “finish.”
🧱 LAYER 3: Money + Work Stabilization
Your current job sounds miserable and unstable — that drains mental health fast.
You said you enjoy:
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Drawing
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Writing
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Coding
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Thrifting and outfits
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Socializing
These are actually marketable, and there are paths that do NOT require college or a car.
Here are realistic jobs/paths for your skills + limitations:
🌿 Coding / tech-adjacent
You can start with:
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freeCodeCamp
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The Odin Project
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CodeCademy (free tier)
Goal: build 1–2 small projects → apply for internships, remote junior roles, or tech support roles.
🌿 Creative jobs
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Commissions for art (start with small $5–$20 pieces)
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Social media content creation for local shops
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Designing outfits → small TikTok/Instagram “thrift styling” content
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Writing short stories or web serials
🌿 Social jobs that aren’t high-pressure
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Library assistant
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Craft store worker
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Thrift store employee
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Pet store
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Bookstore
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Café work with predictable routines
🌿 Disability support
Given your diagnoses, you may qualify for:
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vocational rehabilitation services
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job coaching
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subsidized job training
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assistance finding stable housing
It’s okay to seek these supports. They exist for a reason.
🧱 LAYER 4: Building a Future (Yes, You Still Can.)
You have dreams — real ones. And they are not unrealistic. They require a path, not a miracle.
Your dream life:
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partner (woman)
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countryside home
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small farm
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stability
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creative hobbies
Many people with similar challenges have built this life very slowly:
Step 1: Find stable, tolerable income
Step 2: Move into shared housing or a small apartment
Step 3: Build your skills or savings over a few years
Step 4: Meet someone when you’re ready (this happens naturally)
Step 5: Move somewhere cheaper with land
Step 6: Start a hobby homestead
This is not impossible.
This is a long-term plan that thousands of neurodivergent people follow.
You don’t need to do it all today.
You just need to get one toe on the first step.
🧱 LAYER 5: Mental Health Support
BPD, ADHD, autism, and depression all together can make daily life feel like an obstacle course.
Here are the most evidence-backed supports:
For ADHD:
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Medication (if available), or
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External structure, timers, and scaffolding
For autism:
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Sensory-friendly routines
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Predictable environments
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Reduced social chaos
For BPD:
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DBT therapy is life-changing
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If therapy is unavailable, there are free worksheets and DBT online communities
For depression:
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Behavioral activation (very small tasks)
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Treat underlying stressors (job, home)
You don’t need to “fix yourself.”
You need support that matches your brain.
🌤️ Finally: You haven’t stopped being someone with dreams
You didn’t lose your wings — they’re just exhausted.
Being a “successful adult” does not mean having everything perfect.
It means:
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taking one small step toward stability
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asking for help when needed
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building routines slowly
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allowing yourself to grow at your own pace
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not giving up on the version of yourself you still want to become
You’re not failing.
You’re starting from a harder spot than most.
And you’re still trying — which is strength, not weakness.