‘He lives paycheck to paycheck’: My husband pays his bills late and sits at home playing on his computer. How do I fix it?
‘He seems to think “bill due” dates are a suggestion. He has literally no savings.’
What do you do if you hate “working”? What do you do in life?
How do I handle this? I’m 39, and recently married to a man, 43. Although we are older, we are not financially comfortable — or, I should say, he isn’t. I spend wisely, save as much as I can and prioritize maxing out my HSA and IRA (we’re both self-employed), while he pays bills late and nearly lost his house (before I moved in, though he still pays the mortgage late). He seems to think ‘bill due’ dates are a suggestion. He has literally no savings and he lives paycheck to paycheck.
We are so recently married that finances are NOT combined and, after learning that he has drained the emergency fund to pay day-to-day bills, as well as buying non-necessities from the gas station, they will not be combined. He recently had to do a mortgage modification to keep the house, which is not in my name, and he/we are upside down on that mortgage. Because I’m better with finances, I got on his case on the first of each month to make sure the bill was paid.
He constantly assures me that things are improving. Tonight, I discovered that “it’s taken care of” meant he would pay it on the 15th before it was technically late — and from the emergency fund that was not to be touched. He has two children that live at home with us and the financial burden falls on me, which is mostly fine; I’m their stepmom, after all, but I’m getting resentful. I’m paying the car insurance for his 17-year-old son on the car I had to pay to fix.Play video: I tried to start an AI-powered side business. How easy is it reall
Playing computer games at home
I buy the day-to-day necessities; I buy all our groceries and household goods. Most recently, I was weighing the options of trading in my almost paid-off vehicle to buy a new one with less miles. He agreed it made sense from a mileage and warranty standpoint, so we did it. This also led me to believe that money was better — taking on a new car payment is taking away from the money I have to contribute to the household. But he borrowed money from me to pay a bill.
He is self-employed and works from home, and most often it appears he isn’t working. I’ll catch him playing stupid computer games midday when I know there’s work that would produce income waiting to be done. I, on the other hand, have worked two jobs until January as I like feeling financially comfortable. If I want something nice or money is tight, I work more. Sitting around and waiting for money to show up on my doorstep doesn’t seem like a plan to me.
He was in the military for several years and has military-related issues, so he receives disability monthly. I told him if it was my money, that it would be saved or invested and I would pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s tax free — free money, in my opinion. He relies heavily on that money, and it still doesn’t put a dent in his monthly bills. I’ve decided, since nothing is combined, to focus solely on my own finances and let him make his own bed.
If he wants to struggle financially though life, that’s not my issue, but I’m also closing the wallet on being the fallback plan. If his daughter’s car breaks down, they’ll need to figure out how to pay for it. I’ve saved money towards Christmas gifts, he has none — that’s not my problem. He can tell the kids that Christmas is going to be a little lean this year. I need to cut back on my spending with this new car payment so I can be comfortable with my money.
If my name is not on anything that he pays, and my bills are paid early/in full/on time, how will his bad finances negatively affect me?
Jobadvisor
This is a tough and incredibly common situation, and it's completely understandable why you're feeling resentful and exasperated. You've clearly worked hard to be financially responsible, and seeing your husband disregard fundamental financial principles, especially when you're now sharing a household and the burden of his children, is a huge red flag.
Let's break down your situation and directly address your concerns, particularly how his financial issues could negatively affect you, even with separate finances.
Your Current Situation - The Alarms are Blaring:
You've identified several critical issues:
Financial Irresponsibility: Late payments, no savings, reliance on an "emergency fund" for day-to-day, non-essential spending. This isn't just a different spending style; it's a fundamental lack of financial discipline and foresight.
Lack of Transparency/Dishonesty: "It's taken care of" when it's clearly not, draining funds meant to be untouched. This erodes trust, which is foundational in a marriage.
Discrepancy in Work Ethic: You work two jobs, he plays games mid-day despite needing income. This isn't just about money; it's about values and effort.
The "Upside Down" Mortgage: This is a major liability for him, and by extension, creates instability for your shared living situation.
Assumption of Your Financial Support: You're already paying for groceries, household goods, and his son's car insurance (and fixing the car!). This isn't "mostly fine" if it's causing resentment and draining your resources.
Children Involved: His children live with you, and while you're their stepmom, their financial needs are currently falling on you due to his irresponsibility. This is a very complex dynamic.
How His Bad Finances CAN Negatively Affect You (Even with Separate Finances):
You're right to question this, and unfortunately, even with separate accounts, his financial habits can create significant problems for you:
Housing Instability:
Foreclosure: If he defaults on the mortgage (which he's already paying late and needed modification for), you could lose your home. You'd be displaced, needing to find new housing, which is a massive disruption and financial stress, even if you weren't on the hook for the mortgage itself.
Credit Impact (Indirectly): While his bad credit won't directly appear on your credit report, if you ever need to apply for a joint loan (e.g., a car loan together, or a future home loan together), his credit will be a major impediment.
Utilities/Shared Bills: If he defaults on utilities, internet, etc., that might be in his name but provide services to the household, those could be cut off, impacting you directly.
Shared Living Expenses and Lifestyle:
"De Facto" Contributions: You're already seeing this. You pay for groceries, household goods, his son's car insurance. If you "close the wallet" entirely, will the house have food? Will the lights stay on? Will his children be able to participate in activities? You'll face a constant moral dilemma and potential impact on your daily life.
Lower Quality of Life: His inability to contribute proportionally means your combined household standard of living is lower than it should be, or you are subsidizing it. Your ability to save for your retirement or your dreams is compromised by continuously propping up the household.
Stress and Resentment: This is perhaps the biggest impact. Financial stress is a leading cause of marital conflict. The constant worry, the broken trust, and the feeling of being taken advantage of will poison your relationship and your peace of mind.
Children's Well-being:
Emotional Burden: The kids are not responsible for his financial situation, but they will certainly feel the effects if things get tight (e.g., "Christmas is lean"). This can create emotional stress for them, and you might feel compelled to step in, again eroding your boundaries.
Your Stepmom Role: While it's admirable that you're supporting them, if you continuously pay for necessities that their father should cover, you're enabling his behavior and setting a precedent. If you stop, you might feel guilty or get blamed for their father's shortcomings.
Legal Implications (Less Direct but Possible):
Divorce: If things come to that, his financial irresponsibility could complicate the division of assets, particularly if you have co-mingled any funds, even accidentally. While you're keeping things separate, his debts could be considered in some jurisdictions depending on the nature of the debt and when it was incurred (though this is less likely with truly separate finances).
Your Plan to "Close the Wallet" - Necessary, but Challenging:
Your decision to focus solely on your own finances and close your wallet on being his fallback plan is a crucial step for your own financial and emotional well-being. This is a form of self-preservation.
However, be prepared for:
Resistance and Conflict: He will likely not react well. He's used to you filling the gaps.
Guilt Trips: He might try to make you feel responsible for his children's needs, or for the stability of the household.
Hardship for His Children: This is the toughest part. They will feel the pinch, and you might have to watch them struggle due to their father's choices. This will test your resolve.
Recommended Approach:
Have a Direct, Serious Conversation (Again): You need to clearly communicate your boundaries.
State Facts, Not Accusations: "We agreed not to touch the emergency fund, and it's been used again. This shows me that we have fundamental disagreements on how money should be managed."
Express Your Feelings: "I feel resentful," "I feel like I'm carrying an unfair burden," "I'm worried about our financial future together."
State Your New Boundaries: "From now on, I will only be responsible for my own bills and my agreed-upon share of household expenses (e.g., a specific percentage of groceries, or utilities if you choose). I will no longer cover your personal bills, your children's non-essential expenses, or any shortfalls from your income."
Propose a Concrete Plan (if you're willing): Perhaps a fixed, agreed-upon amount he must contribute to a joint household account for shared expenses only, or specific bills he is solely responsible for. Without a plan, the "fallback" role is too easy to slip into.
Address His "Working": "I see you playing games during work hours. I need to know you are actively generating income, or our financial paths are too divergent for this marriage to work."
Define Shared Expenses: Get specific. What bills are truly shared (utilities, internet, shared groceries up to a certain point)? And what is his responsibility (mortgage, his car, his children's specific needs, his personal spending)?
Protect Your Assets: Continue to keep everything separate. Do not co-sign anything. Do not put your name on his house. Do not put his name on your car. Your new car payment is for your car, which you solely own.
Consider Counseling: Financial irresponsibility is often rooted in deeper psychological issues (anxiety, impulsivity, feeling overwhelmed, even past trauma from military service). A marriage counselor or a financial therapist could help him (and you) understand these patterns and develop healthier habits. He may need professional help to address his work ethic and spending habits.
Be Prepared for Tough Choices: If he doesn't change, and you continue to feel resentful and financially vulnerable, you will eventually have to decide if this marriage is sustainable. Marriage is a partnership, and financial responsibility is a core component of that.
You are not being unfair; you are being prudent. His actions are not only impacting his own life but are now creating instability and stress in yours. Setting boundaries is not selfish; it's essential for your long-term well-being and the integrity of your marriage.