Boss told me to “be a big girl”, how should I respond?
Should I try to record these conversations? Go to HR over this comment?
I’m not hurt or mad about it, but I want to make it very clear I don’t ever want to be talked to like that again.
Sent my boss a simple question where she just needed to send me an address for a confidential project I have zero details for. An hr later, she yells from across the office to me that she doesn’t have time for little questions, gives me two thumbs up and said to “be a big girl.”
She will get zero notice when I leave. But until then…how should I proceed.
Jobadvisor
That's completely unprofessional and unacceptable behavior from your boss, regardless of whether you're hurt by it or not. You are right to want to address it and ensure it doesn't happen again. Being condescending and dismissive, especially when you're asking for necessary information for a project, is not okay.
Here's some advice on how to proceed:
1. Document Everything:
Yes, absolutely record these conversations if your state allows one-party consent for recording. This means you can record without their knowledge. Check your local laws immediately. If not, meticulous notes are your next best option.
Start a detailed log:
Date and time of the incident (the "big girl" comment).
Exact words used.
Context: What was the question you asked? What was the project? Where did it happen (across the office)? Who else was present (if anyone)?
Your feelings/reaction (even if it's just that you felt it was unprofessional and disrespectful).
Any follow-up actions you took or observations.
Keep all communications: Save emails, instant messages, etc., related to this project and her responses.
2. Address It Directly (Optional, but can be effective):
If you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you could address it directly with your boss in a calm, professional manner. This often works best in writing (email) so you have a record, or in person followed by a written summary.
Example Script (if you choose to speak to her):
"[Boss's Name], when I asked for the project address earlier, your response of 'be a big girl' was inappropriate and condescending. I expect to be treated with professional respect, and I will not tolerate being spoken to in that manner. I need to receive information for projects professionally, not with dismissive comments. Let's ensure our communication remains professional going forward."
Example Email (to follow up an in-person conversation or if you prefer written):
Subject: Follow-up on Project X / Professional Communication
"Hi [Boss's Name],
Following our interaction today regarding the address for Project X, I wanted to reiterate that I found your comment of 'be a big girl' to be unprofessional and inappropriate. I expect to be treated with respect in the workplace and to receive necessary project information through professional communication channels.
My focus is on successfully completing my tasks, and I need clear, professional guidance to do so. Let's ensure our interactions maintain a professional standard.
Best regards,
[Your Name]"
3. Go to HR (Strongly Recommended):
This is precisely the type of behavior HR needs to know about. This isn't just about a "hurt feeling"; it's about a hostile work environment, lack of professional respect, and potential harassment.
When to go: The sooner the better.
What to bring: Your detailed log of the incident(s), any recorded conversations (if legal in your state), and any other supporting documentation.
What to say: Explain the incident factually. State that you found the comment unprofessional, condescending, and disrespectful, and that you want it on record and addressed. Emphasize that you want to ensure this type of communication doesn't happen again. Frame it as a concern about professional conduct in the workplace.
Be prepared: HR's primary role is to protect the company. While they should address unprofessional behavior, be prepared for various outcomes. They might mediate, give your boss a warning, or do nothing. Even if they do nothing, you've created a record.
4. Protect Yourself:
Continue documenting: Keep documenting all incidents, even after going to HR.
Maintain professionalism: Regardless of her behavior, continue to be professional and perform your job duties to the best of your ability. This protects you from any counter-allegations.
Disengage emotionally: While it's hard, try not to let her comments get to you emotionally. Her behavior reflects on her, not you. You're already planning your exit, so see this as part of the interim strategy.
Limit direct interactions when possible: If you can get information or communicate through other means (email, project management software), do so to reduce opportunities for her to behave this way.
5. Your Exit Strategy:
You're already planning to leave, which is a great long-term solution. Continue to search for new opportunities. When you do leave, you are under no obligation to provide more than the minimum contractual notice (if any) or even any notice if you choose not to, especially given this kind of treatment.
To summarize, yes, record if legal, and yes, go to HR with your detailed documentation. Your boss's behavior is out of line, and you have every right to expect professional treatment.
Here's an image that captures the feeling of wanting to respond with a clear, direct, and professional boundary in the face of such dismissive behavior:
I'm 30 and paralyzed because I'm interested in everything and good at nothing. What do i do?
I'm really struggling and could use some advice. I feel like I'm at a complete standstill and I'm watching all my friends pass me by. I'm 30 years old. My resume is a joke. It's not that I'm unemployed, it's that I'm everything.
2016-2018: Social Media Manager (Startup)
2018-2019: Bartender (while I took a break)
2019-2021: Junior Project Manager (Tech)
2021-2022: Freelance Copywriter (self-employed)
2022-Present: Operations Coordinator (Non-profit)
I'm a classic "jack of all trades, master of none." My problem is that I have too many interests. I get a job. I'm excited. I learn it fast. I get good enough at it. And then... I get bored. I see what the design team is doing and I think "oh, that looks cool. I should learn Figma." Or I see the data analysts and think "wow, SQL looks powerful, I should learn that."
So I do. I spend my nights and weekends learning a new skill. But I never stick with it long enough to become a true expert.
Now I'm 30. My friends who picked one thing like engineering or accounting are now "Senior" this or "Lead" that. They have a clear path. They're making $150k+.
I'm an Operations Coordinator making $70k. I'm smart. I'm a good worker. My bosses always like me. But I have no hard skills that make me valuable. I'm just... a generally competent person. I am completely paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice.
I'm stuck in this loop. I want to pick a real career. I've considered: UX Design, Data Analytics, getting a PMP certification or even going back to school for something totally different like Urban Planning. But the second I start to choose one, my brain screams "BUT WHAT IF YOU HATE IT?!"
What if I spend two years and $20k on a UX bootcamp, only to get a job and realize I'm bored in 18 months? Then I'll be 32 and still at an entry-level.
This indecisiveness is killing me. It's not even analysis paralysis anymore, it's just... fear. Fear of the wrong path. Fear of being average. Fear of starting over, again. I feel like I'm 22, but in a 30-year-old's body. I have no idea what I'm really good at versus what I'm just interested in for a week. How do you even figure that out? How do you finally commit?
Jobadvisor
It sounds like you're experiencing a very common and understandable form of career paralysis, especially for smart, curious, and capable people like yourself. First, let me validate your feelings: what you're describing is not a flaw, but often a characteristic of highly adaptable and intellectually agile individuals. The "jack of all trades" can be incredibly valuable, even if society often prioritizes specialization.
Let's break this down and find a path forward.
1. Reframe "Jack of All Trades, Master of None": This phrase often carries a negative connotation, but the full quote is "A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one." You have a broad skill set, diverse experience, and a proven ability to learn quickly. These are not weaknesses; they are strengths that many specialists lack. You can bridge gaps, communicate across teams, and adapt to changing environments – highly valuable in today's dynamic job market.
2. Your "Problem" is Also Your Superpower: Your boredom isn't a sign of failure; it's a signal. It tells you that you thrive on novelty, learning, and variety. Trying to force yourself into a hyper-specialized role for decades might actually be the "wrong path" for you, leading to burnout and dissatisfaction.
3. The Myth of the "One True Path": Your friends' paths look linear and clear, but that's just one way to do it. Many successful careers are winding. The idea that there's one perfect job you'll love forever is a societal construct that doesn't fit everyone, especially those with diverse interests. You're not "behind"; you're building a unique and robust foundation.
4. Let's Find Your Niche Within Your "Jack-of-All-Trades" Identity:
Instead of trying to force yourself into a single, narrow box, let's look for roles that leverage your broad skill set and natural curiosity.
Project Management (with a twist): You've been a Junior PM. This role is inherently about coordinating diverse skills, learning new domains, and moving projects forward. Your varied background is a huge asset here. Instead of abandoning it, perhaps consider specializing in a type of project management that requires cross-functional understanding.
Program Management: Overseeing multiple related projects.
Technical Project Manager: Bridging the gap between engineering and business.
Product Management: This is often an ideal fit for generalists! It requires understanding design, development, marketing, data, and user needs. It's constantly evolving, demanding continuous learning, and involves strategic thinking. It could be your sweet spot.
Agile Coach/Scrum Master: Helping teams work more effectively, which draws on your experience in operations, tech, and managing people.
Consulting (Internal or External): Consultants are paid to learn new businesses, identify problems, and propose solutions across various domains. Your ability to quickly grasp new concepts and adapt is paramount here.
Operations Consultant: Leveraging your current Ops experience across different companies or departments.
Strategy Consultant: If you enjoy big-picture thinking and problem-solving.
Roles in Growing/Startup Companies: Startups often need people who can wear many hats. Your varied experience makes you incredibly valuable in these environments where roles are less rigidly defined. Look for "Chief of Staff," "Head of Operations," "Business Operations," or even early-stage Product Manager roles.
Learning & Development/Enablement: If you love learning and explaining things, helping others acquire new skills could be a fulfilling path.
5. How to Figure Out What You're "Really Good At":
You say you get "good enough" but don't become an expert. The key might not be to become an "expert" in the traditional sense, but to become an expert in connecting different domains, solving problems creatively, or driving initiatives forward.
Look for Patterns in Your Enthusiasm: When you get excited by design or data, what exactly excites you? Is it the aesthetic? The problem-solving? The structure? The impact? This can guide you to roles that embody those aspects.
What have people consistently asked you for help with? What tasks do you do easily that others struggle with? This often points to an innate strength.
What problems do you enjoy solving? Not just the tools (Figma, SQL), but the actual problems those tools help solve.
6. Addressing the Fear of Making the "Wrong Choice":
There is no "Wrong Choice," only Different Choices: Each path will teach you something. Your previous roles haven't been wasted; they've been building blocks. That "boring" experience in 18 months will still be experience, and you'll be 18 months older and wiser, not "starting over."
Embrace Iteration, Not Perfection: Think of your career as an ongoing experiment. You pick a hypothesis (e.g., "I think I'd enjoy Product Management"), you test it for a period, you gather data (how you feel, what you learn), and then you iterate.
Mini-Experiments Before Big Investments: Before a $20k bootcamp, try mini-experiments:
Informational Interviews: Talk to people in UX Design, Data Analytics, Urban Planning. Ask them what their day-to-day is like, what they love, what they hate.
Small Projects: Try a free online course, a small volunteer project, or a personal project that uses the skills you're considering.
Shadowing/Internal Projects: See if you can get involved in a small way with a design or data project at your current non-profit.
7. Commitment & Strategy:
Pick a "Next Right Step," Not a "Forever Path": Instead of choosing for the rest of your life, choose for the next 2-3 years. What feels most compelling right now? Which one would you regret not trying?
Focus on Skills, Not Just Titles: Identify the key skills for the role you choose (e.g., for Product Management: communication, strategic thinking, user empathy, technical understanding, data interpretation). Then, focus on developing those to a professional level.
Leverage Your Current Role: Can you pivot your current Operations Coordinator role to gain experience in one of your chosen areas? Maybe you can help with data analysis for reports, or contribute to improving user experience for a non-profit service.
Build a Narrative for Your Resume: Your resume isn't a joke; it's a story of adaptability and diverse experience. You just need to learn to tell that story effectively.
Instead of just listing jobs, highlight the impact you had and the skills you used that are relevant to your target role.
For a PM role, you'd emphasize communication, cross-functional collaboration, problem-solving, and delivering results in each role.
Let's try an exercise:
Imagine you have to pick one of the options you've considered (UX Design, Data Analytics, PMP, Urban Planning) or one of my suggestions (Product Management, Consulting, Ops Lead in a startup) and commit to exploring it seriously for the next 6-12 months. Which one gives you even a tiny spark of excitement mixed with that familiar curiosity? Don't worry about being bored in 18 months; just focus on the next step.
Unpaid “mandatory fun” on my only family day and apparently I’m not “committed to company culture”
My boss scheduled a “mandatory fun” team building event this saturday. It’s unpaid. It’s on the weekend. And it’s explicitly not optional even though it’s obviously outside our normal work hours. Saturday is my one full day with my kid. We don’t get a lot of time together during the week and we always make that day special like breakfast, the park whatever little adventures we can do. So I told my boss I couldn’t make it. His response was “that shows you aren’t committed to company culture” Company culture shouldn’t mean sacrificing parenting time so we can go bowling together and pretend we’re all best friends. I work hard. I show up. I do everything that’s actually required of me. But the expectation that employees should gladly give up their personal lives for “fun” they didn’t even sign up for? That’s not culture. That’s control. I was literally trying to relax later and play a quick game of stardew valley just watering my crops and minding my business and my brain kept looping back to that comment. Like I’m a bad employee or a bad teammate for choosing my kid over a forced office hangout?
I’m committed to my family. That should count for more than forced “morale building”
Jobadvisor
I completely understand why you're feeling frustrated and upset. It's incredibly unfair to be put in a position where you're made to feel guilty for prioritizing your family time, especially for an unpaid, mandatory event outside of work hours. Your boss's comment about "commitment to company culture" is particularly out of line when it's used to pressure employees into sacrificing their personal lives.
Many people face similar dilemmas, and it highlights a significant issue with how some companies define and enforce "culture." A healthy company culture should respect work-life balance, not demand its sacrifice. It's perfectly reasonable to set boundaries between your professional and personal life, and choosing to spend time with your child is a valid and important priority.
It sounds like you're a dedicated employee who performs well during work hours, and that's what truly matters. Your commitment to your family doesn't detract from your professional value. It's a shame that your boss isn't recognizing that.