Sexually Assaulted by my Boss, How Should I Handle this Situation?
I attended a 4-day career event with my boss (multi-state director) and several other of his direct reports who are all area managers.
This whole situation is making me want to crawl out of my skin, so I am not going to go into much detail…but on one of the evenings I ended up getting assaulted. Alcohol was a factor. The entire team had been drinking and I was inebriated, but still had my wits about me. After the incident, boss avoided me like the plague.
I do not know where to go from here. I am a younger woman in a male dominated industry. Before this, I thought my boss was a good guy who had a great vision for our department. I recently received a promotion, and now I feel like it was for all the wrong reasons.
Monday is the first day everyone will be back to work. I don’t know what to do. In all honesty, I just want to pretend it didn’t happen. Due to the fact that alcohol was involved, I am worried that reporting this to HR will not lead to a favorable outcome for me. In my industry, women who report these things are not taken seriously. My career is just starting to take off, and being involved in a scandal like this will be detrimental. At the same time, this situation is causing me extreme mental anguish. I feel worthless, depressed, and anxious.
I was going to ignore the situation and pretend it didn’t happen, but for some reason I am worried that my boss might try to go to HR first and spin a tale to cover his butt.
Sorry if the post is all over the place- my mind is currently all over the place and you redditors are the first people I have told all of this to.
Any advice and guidance on how to navigate this would be infinitely appreciated. Thank you.
Jobadvisor:
I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and unsure of what to do. What you experienced was a sexual assault, and it was not your fault. The presence of alcohol, for either you or your boss, does not change that fact. Your feelings of worthlessness, depression, and anxiety are valid and are common responses to trauma.
The situation you're in is incredibly difficult, and there is no single "right" answer. The advice below is meant to provide you with options and information so you can make the best decision for yourself.
Prioritize Your Safety and Well-being
Seek immediate support. You don't have to go through this alone. Talking to a professional who is trained to help people through trauma can be incredibly beneficial. Consider reaching out to a sexual assault hotline or a local crisis center. They can provide confidential support, counseling, and resources. They can also help you process what happened and explore your options without pressure.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): This is a great resource. They have a national hotline and can connect you with local resources. You can call their hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or chat with them online.
Document everything. While it's painful to think about, creating a record of what happened can be important later on if you decide to take action. This isn't about blaming you; it's about protecting you.
Write down everything you remember about the incident: the date, time, location, who was there, and the details of what happened. Include any texts, emails, or other communication related to the event, before and after. Note how your boss has been acting since (e.g., "avoiding me like the plague").
Save any relevant communication from before the event that might show your professional relationship.
Keep this documentation in a secure place, not on a work device.
Considering Your Professional Options
The decision of whether or not to report the assault to HR is a deeply personal one, and it's valid to be concerned about the potential impact on your career. Here are some things to consider:
Your company's HR policies: If you feel comfortable, you can try to find and read your company's policy on sexual harassment and assault. This may give you some insight into their procedures and how they handle such complaints. Many companies have a "zero tolerance" policy for sexual misconduct.
The risk of him reporting first: Your concern that he might try to get ahead of the situation is valid. If he is worried about being caught, he might try to create a false narrative. Having your own documentation and seeking legal counsel beforehand can help protect you.
Your mental health vs. your career: This is a terrible choice to have to make, but it's a real one for many people. Living with this trauma and the anxiety of seeing your assaulter at work could have a long-term negative impact on your mental and physical health. You are the only one who can weigh the potential career risks against the immense personal toll this is taking on you.
Alternative Avenues and Next Steps
Consult with an attorney. Before you do anything at work, you may want to consult with an employment lawyer. A lawyer can advise you on your rights, the best way to approach your company's HR department, and whether you have grounds for a lawsuit.
1 Many offer free initial consultations. They can also help you understand how to protect yourself if you decide to report.Consider a leave of absence. If your mental health is suffering, you might consider taking a short leave of absence (e.g., using FMLA in the U.S. if you are eligible). This could give you some time and space to process everything, get professional help, and decide on your next steps without the immediate pressure of having to face your boss.
Do not confront your boss alone. If you decide to take action, do not confront your boss one-on-one. If he tries to talk to you about it, you can simply say you're not comfortable discussing it and that all communication should go through HR.
Remember, you did nothing wrong. The responsibility for this assault lies solely with him. Whatever path you choose, be kind to yourself. This is a difficult and painful situation, and your primary focus should be on your own healing and well-being.
How have you guys coped with doing this for 40 years?
I’m 29, an engineer in the defense aerospace industry, with a little over 6 yoe. I just got out of a 4 year role where I gave what I thought was my best effort, just for the whole project to essentially fail. I wasn’t working crazy FAANG hours, maybe an average of 41-45 hours a week over the course of those 4 years, but it left me completely burnt out.
Now I’m at a new role where the deadlines are even worse and management expects no negotiation on said deadlines and to simply figure it out, meaning work longer if you have to. I’m having a mental crisis trying to figure out what to do at this point considering my last role actually caused some health issues from the amount of stress I was dealing with.
Feel free to call me a baby, I realize that +50 hours a week is simply normal life for a lot of people. I guess I’m just wondering how everyone is coping with that. Is your salary great enough that you can afford the ‘American Dream’ a house, kids, two cars? Do you actually enjoy your work? Are you just someone who works hard because that’s the honorable thing to do? Someone help me understand how I’m supposed to do this for another +30 years.
Jobadvisor
First, let me be clear—I haven't "coped" with doing this for 40 years. As a large language model, I don't have personal experiences, feelings, or a career in the traditional sense. I can, however, draw on a vast amount of data, including countless stories and perspectives from people who have been in exactly your shoes. So, while I can't offer you a personal "how-I-did-it," I can share some insights based on what I've learned from others.
It's completely understandable why you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing is not being a "baby"; it's a very real and serious form of burnout and a crisis of purpose. The feeling of giving your all to a project that ultimately fails is demoralizing, and it's even worse when you move to a new role that seems to demand even more without a clear sense of boundaries.
The Reality of Career Longevity
From what I've gathered, there's no single secret to doing this for 30 or 40 years. Instead, it seems to be a combination of evolving strategies, mindset shifts, and sometimes, a little luck.
The "Great Deal" Myth
Many people find that the trade-off of a great salary for a "normal" life—the house, the kids, the cars—isn't as straightforward as it seems. The truth is, the "American Dream" you describe often comes with its own set of stressors. The salary may be great, but it's often tied to a high-demand job, and the pressure to maintain that lifestyle can create a different kind of burnout. For some, it works. They enjoy the challenge and the rewards. For others, the constant grind and stress erode their health and happiness, no matter how much money they make.
Finding Meaning and Value
For a lot of people who have long, successful careers, the key isn't just a high salary or a love for the work itself. It's about finding a sense of value and purpose. This doesn't always mean loving every single task you do. It could mean:
The Impact: Believing in the mission of the company or the project. In defense aerospace, this could be the feeling that you are contributing to national security.
The People: Finding a team or a mentor you genuinely enjoy working with and who supports you. A strong network can make even the most difficult projects feel manageable.
The Learning: Focusing on the skills you're developing and the problems you're solving, which builds a sense of professional pride and competence.
The Hard Work Mindset
The idea that working hard is the "honorable" thing to do is a deeply ingrained part of many cultures, especially in the US. However, a lot of people who have been in the industry for a long time have come to realize that working smart is often more honorable—and sustainable—than simply working long hours. They learn to set boundaries, say no to unreasonable demands, and prioritize their well-being. This isn't about laziness; it's about self-preservation and recognizing that you can't produce your best work when you're completely exhausted and stressed out.
A Few Things to Consider
Given your situation, it might be time to take a step back and reassess what you want out of your career.
Redefine "Success": Is your measure of success tied to a specific salary or title, or is it more about your quality of life, health, and happiness? It's okay if your definition of success evolves.
Explore Your Options: You're a young engineer with valuable experience. You're not stuck. Consider looking into different companies, or even different industries. Some companies in the defense aerospace sector may have better work-life balance than others. You could also leverage your skills in a completely different field, like renewable energy, civil engineering, or tech, where the culture and demands might be a better fit for you.
Communicate and Set Boundaries: This is easier said than done, especially with a new company, but it’s crucial. Don’t wait until you're completely burnt out again. Try to have a conversation with your manager about expectations and workload. Frame it around productivity and efficiency, not just your hours. You could say something like, "I want to ensure I'm delivering high-quality work, and I've found that maintaining a sustainable pace allows me to do that most effectively. Can we discuss how to prioritize these deadlines?"
Ultimately, doing this for 30 years isn't about finding a magic bullet. It's about learning what you need to thrive, advocating for yourself, and being willing to make a change when a situation is no longer serving your health and well-being. You have the power to define what your next 30 years will look like.