For the first decade of my career, I lived in New York City—an experience that served as a crash course in culture for someone like me who grew up in suburban Boston. By the time I left, I felt I had truly earned the title of “New Yorker,” complete with the self-assurance and bravado that often come with it. It wasn’t until years later, when I brought my preteen daughters to visit the city, that I realized just how different that version of me was from my everyday self. They started referring to me as “New York Mom”—and not in a complimentary way.
That moment sparked a reflection on whether it’s actually beneficial to be able to adopt different versions of ourselves in different contexts, whether intentionally or not. At work, does someone known for fairness need to take on a more combative persona to navigate high-stakes negotiations? Or is it possible—and even preferable—to remain grounded in one consistent, authentic version of ourselves?
To explore these questions, I recently spoke with Bob Bordone, a senior fellow at Harvard Law School and longtime professor with nearly 30 years of experience teaching negotiation and conflict resolution. He’s also co-author of the new book *Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In*. One of the biggest myths he addresses is the idea that being ruthless is necessary for success. “Many people think great negotiators are aggressive,” he says, “but that’s far from the truth.”
Instead, Bordone offers a practical approach to effective negotiation:
**1. Prepare thoroughly.**
Go into every negotiation armed with data, especially information about comparable deals. Understand the market well enough to make a compelling case for why your offer stands apart, using reasonable arguments rather than empty bravado.
**2. Avoid getting pulled into haggling.**
If the other side throws out an extreme number—either too low or too high—don’t feel pressured to respond in kind. Instead, politely draw the line: you’re open to meaningful discussion, but not to unrealistic starting points.
**3. Practice active listening.**
Rather than immediately countering a point you disagree with, pause and ask clarifying questions. This shows empathy and helps you better understand the other person’s perspective. If emotions run high, give them space to express themselves by asking open-ended questions. Often, simply allowing someone to vent can shift the tone of the conversation and open the door to creative solutions.
**4. Don’t perform for your team.**
Bringing a colleague to a negotiation can be helpful if you have complementary skills and a strong working relationship. But Bordone warns against trying to impress your colleagues by playing the tough guy. That kind of performance rarely leads to better outcomes and often undermines them.
**5. Be willing to sit with discomfort.**
One of the most common mistakes he sees in students—and professionals—is the urge to end a difficult conversation quickly, just to avoid the tension. But rushing to resolve conflict can mean missing opportunities to find better, more durable solutions. Conflict resilience, as Bordone calls it, is about transforming disagreement into collaboration instead of letting it become a barrier. It’s not just about saying “yes”—it’s about staying true to yourself while finding a path forward.
Bordone acknowledges that assertiveness and confidence can be powerful tools in business. My own experience in New York taught me that. There were times when leaning into a tougher persona helped me get ahead. And many entrepreneurs thrive precisely because they project their vision with conviction and force of will.
But there’s a danger in letting that persona become your default setting. It doesn’t always serve you—or others—in the long run. Being a skilled negotiator isn’t just about winning individual battles; it’s about guiding the entire interaction toward a place where both sides feel heard and respected. As Bordone puts it, “The best negotiators are empathetic, attentive listeners who know how to frame conversations so everyone walks away with something valuable.”
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to become someone else—it’s to bring the best version of yourself to the table.