Most of us are familiar with the classic trauma responses: fight, flight, and freeze. But psychologists recognize a fourth, often overlooked pattern: fawning. Unlike the others, fawning is typically rewarded and even admired in society—but it can quietly undermine our well-being, career success, and personal relationships.
Many people don't realize they're caught in a cycle of fawning, or that this deeply ingrained behavior can lead to self-erasure, leaving them feeling stuck, burned out, or resentful without understanding why.
What Is Fawning?
Psychotherapist Pete Walker coined the term fawning to describe a trauma response in which a person tries to neutralize threats by becoming more appealing to them. Dr. Ingrid Clayton, clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming book FAWNING: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—And How to Find Our Way Back, explains that fawning is the instinct to appease, please, and self-abandon at any cost to feel safe.
It often looks like being agreeable, helpful, or easygoing—but it’s really a survival strategy. Over time, chronic fawning leads to anxiety, burnout, poor boundaries, toxic relationships, and even physical health problems.
A Subtle But Powerful Form of Self-Abandonment
Karen DuBose, a psychiatric nurse and psychotherapist in Charlotte, NC, describes fawning as self-abandonment rooted in fear. Unlike fight, flight, or freeze—which are visibly reactive—fawning is subtler. It relies on winning approval from others to feel psychologically safe, rather than finding security within oneself.
DuBose uses Winston Churchill’s line, “An appeaser feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last,” to illustrate how fawning can become self-destructive. In the face of disapproval, rejection, or conflict, fawning can show up as:
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People-pleasing
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Over-giving
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Codependency
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Over-working
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“Love bombing”
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Even careaholism (excessive, compulsive caretaking)
The "Flocking" Effect: Safety in Numbers
Fawning can also appear as “flocking,” where people conform to group opinions to avoid conflict or ridicule. For example, workers might privately complain about management but stay silent in meetings out of fear of standing out.
Clayton notes that fawning is a relational trauma response. It often develops in situations where fighting, fleeing, or freezing seems impossible or too dangerous. It’s an adaptive tool in unsafe environments—but when it becomes ingrained, it keeps us stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Signs Fawning Is Hurting Your Career or Relationships
Many people—especially those in caring professions—struggle with fawning without realizing it. Clinicians, nurses, and helpers may overwork or over-care to the point of burnout. But anyone can fall into this pattern.
Here are five warning signs from Dr. Clayton that you might be fawning:
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You apologize to people who have hurt you.
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You befriend or try to please bullies.
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You ignore or excuse bad behavior.
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You obsess over saying the “right” thing even when there’s no clear right answer.
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You change who you are to win approval that may never come.
The Cure for Fawning: Radical Self-Care
Breaking the fawning cycle requires more than surface-level self-care. It often means adopting radical self-care, prioritizing your mental and physical well-being even if it disappoints others.
Here are eight strategies to start:
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Prioritize your own well-being. Care as much about how you treat yourself as you do about pleasing others.
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Set realistic limits. Saying “yes” when you mean “no” short-changes you every time.
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Examine your motives for helping. Are you over-giving to meet your own unacknowledged needs?
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Empower others. Teach people to solve their own problems instead of making them dependent on you.
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Set emotional boundaries. Base your actions on your own values, not on winning others’ approval.
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Get comfortable with conflict. Learn to face disagreement instead of avoiding it. Embrace your independence.
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Stop being “overly nice.” Being the “yes” person can undermine your credibility and respect.
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Stand up to bullies. Don’t shrink around aggressive people. Call out bad behavior.
Why Fawning Ultimately Fails
No matter how much you try to appease, someone will eventually disapprove or reject you. DuBose warns that fawning is unsustainable—like feeding a crocodile in hopes it eats you last.
But when you stop fawning, reclaim your self-respect, and stand firm in your values, you no longer have to live in fear of the crocodile. Instead, you build genuine, healthier relationships—and a life rooted in authenticity and self-worth.