Should I(24F)move to Alaska without my boyfriend (26M) to get my life together?

Hi everyone, I (24F) live in South Carolina in my mom’s house rent-free. My boyfriend (26M) also lives with me. Right now, he’s unemployed he lost his last job because he couldn’t consistently wake up on time and he has no savings. I’ve been carrying a lot of the responsibility in the relationship, financially and otherwise.

My mom lives in a very remote part of Alaska (Dillingham) and called me tonight offering us a great opportunity. Jobs up there pay really well, and the cost of living is offset by the benefits of isolation basically, a few years up there could allow me to save a ton of money and come back to the lower 48 and buy land or a house in cash. She’s totally supportive and said we could stay with her while we get set up.

I was really excited and told my boyfriend about it. His response was “I don’t know,” and he just kept playing his guitar. I let him know I’m seriously thinking about going, and his only response was, “Okay, well I’m probably not gonna go.”

Here’s the thing I’m very independent and I love to travel. I’ve been to almost every state, while he’s never left the Carolinas. He doesn’t fly, and has never really shown ambition when it comes to money or life planning. We’ve been together for almost 2 years, and I’ve never seen him save money or take real financial responsibility.

So here I am wondering: Is this life giving me an out? Should I go to Alaska, set myself up, and stop waiting around for someone who won’t grow up or grow with me?

Would love any advice or personal experiences especially if you’ve been in a similar spot. Thank you.

Jobadvisor

Here's some advice regarding your situation:

It sounds like you're at a significant crossroads, and it's completely understandable why you're considering this move. Let's break down the factors at play:

Reasons to Seriously Consider Moving to Alaska (Alone):

• Financial Opportunity: The chance to earn substantial money and save enough to buy land or a house in cash is a life-changing opportunity, especially at your age. This kind of financial independence can set you up for a secure future.
• Personal Growth and Independence: You're independent and love to travel. This move would align with those aspects of your personality. It would also force you to rely on yourself and build a life on your own terms, which can be incredibly empowering.
• Boyfriend's Lack of Ambition/Support: His response to such a significant opportunity speaks volumes. His lack of enthusiasm, commitment, and financial responsibility are red flags. You've been carrying the weight, and it's not sustainable or fair to you.
• "Life Giving You an Out": This feeling is often a strong indicator. Your current situation seems to be holding you back from your potential. The Alaska offer could be precisely the catalyst you need to move forward.
• No Financial Ties: Since you're not married, don't own property together, and he has no savings, there are minimal financial entanglements to untangle if you separate.
• Support System in Alaska: Having your mom there offers a crucial safety net and makes the transition much less daunting.

Potential Downsides/Things to Consider if You Go Alone:

• Relationship Ending: This is highly probable if you move without him. Be prepared for that outcome and the emotional toll it might take.
• Isolation in Dillingham: While you're independent, Dillingham is very remote. Consider how you'll manage the isolation, especially without your current support system (aside from your mom). Ensure you have hobbies and ways to connect with others.
• Logistics of Moving: Even though your mom is there, planning the move to such a remote location will require careful organization.

Why Bringing Your Boyfriend Might Not Be the Best Idea (Given His Current Behavior):

• Continued Burden: Based on his history, there's a high risk he would continue to be a financial and emotional burden, even with high-paying jobs available. He's shown a consistent lack of initiative.
• Hindrance to Your Goals: If he's not motivated, he could easily derail your saving goals and overall progress. You could end up supporting both of you in an expensive, isolated location.
• Resentment: You'd likely grow to resent him even more for holding you back from such a significant opportunity.
• His Happiness: If he's already saying he's "probably not going to go" and doesn't like to fly or leave the Carolinas, he might be miserable in Dillingham, which would create more problems for you.

Your Next Steps:

1. Have a Frank Conversation (Again) with Your Boyfriend:

   • Tell him clearly that you are seriously considering going to Alaska for your future.
   • Explain the financial benefits and your personal aspirations.
   • Ask him directly if he is willing to commit to going, working, and contributing equally. Be specific about expectations (e.g., waking up on time, saving money).
   • Observe his reaction closely. His words and actions will tell you a lot. If he's still ambivalent or dismissive, you have your answer.

2. Focus on Your Own Goals:

   • It sounds like you have a clear vision for your future (financial independence, owning land/house).
   • Ask yourself if your current relationship is actively supporting or hindering those goals.

3. Prepare Mentally and Logistically:

   • If you decide to go, start researching Dillingham, the types of jobs available, and the cost of living (even with your mom's support).
   • Mentally prepare for the possibility of ending the relationship. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and future.

Personal Experience Consideration:

Many people find themselves in relationships where one person is more ambitious or responsible than the other. Often, these disparities become more pronounced when significant life decisions arise. It's incredibly difficult to "drag" someone along who isn't motivated, and it almost always leads to frustration and resentment for the more driven partner. Prioritizing your own path, even if it means a painful separation, often leads to greater long-term happiness and success.

Conclusion:

This really does sound like "life giving you an out." Your boyfriend's lack of engagement and responsibility is a consistent pattern. You have a golden opportunity to secure your financial future and pursue your independent spirit. While ending a relationship is hard, staying in one that holds you back can be far more detrimental in the long run.

It's time to put yourself first. Good luck with whatever you decide!