Been offered double my current salary, but the job requires flying to New York from Toronto every week. Worth it?

I’ve been offered a new role at a job that pays literally twice my current salary which is obviously very tempting. The thing is that I’d have to fly from Toronto to New York every single week (sometimes for 2 days sometimes for 3, but not for the full week). The money could really come in handy since we're planning to buy a house, but I’ve got a family here: two small kids, and my wife works full time in an office job as well. We have a babysitter who helps during the day, but I’d still be missing most of the week at home and I’m trying to be realistic about what that would actually feel like over time.
I’m stuck between thinking of this as a short term sacrifice for long term gain or wondering if it’s the kind of thing that slowly chips away at your family life. Has anyone else taken a job with heavy travel like this especially with young kids at home? Was it worth it?

Jobadvisor

This is a significant decision with major implications for both your career and family life. Let's break down the pros and cons, and consider some advice from others who've faced similar dilemmas.

The Allure of Double Salary

The financial incentive is undeniably strong. Doubling your salary, especially with a house purchase in mind, offers a clear path to significant financial gain and potentially faster achievement of your family's financial goals. This could mean:

• Faster homeownership: A larger down payment, a lower mortgage, or a quicker payoff.

• Increased financial security: Building savings, investing for the future, or paying down other debts.

• Improved quality of life: More disposable income for family experiences, education for your children, or other desired lifestyle enhancements.

The Realities of Weekly Toronto to New York Travel

This isn't just a long commute; it's international, weekly travel, which comes with its own set of challenges:

• Time Commitment: Even for 2-3 days, consider the door-to-door time:

  • Travel to/from Toronto Pearson (YYZ) or Billy Bishop (YTZ).

  • Airport security, customs (NEXUS will be a lifesaver, but still a factor).

  • Flight time (around 1.5 hours, but delays happen).

  • Travel to/from New York airports (LGA, JFK, EWR) to your destination in NYC.

  • This easily adds up to several hours each way, eating into your week even before you start working.

• Physical and Mental Toll:

  • Jet lag (minor, but can accumulate): While Toronto and NYC are in the same time zone, the disruption to your routine can be tiring.

  • Fatigue: Constant travel, different beds, and broken routines can lead to chronic tiredness.

  • Stress: The unpredictability of travel (delays, cancellations), navigating airports, and managing logistics can be stressful.¹

  • Health: Increased exposure to germs on planes, disrupted sleep and eating patterns can impact your health.²

• Impact on Family Life: This is your biggest concern, and rightfully so.

  • Missing out on daily life: You'll miss school drop-offs/pick-ups, dinners, bedtime routines, and simply being present for the small, everyday moments with your kids.

  • Increased burden on your wife: Even with a babysitter, the primary responsibility for childcare and household management will fall on your wife for most of the week. This can lead to resentment, burnout, and strain on your relationship.

  • Impact on children: Young children thrive on routine and consistent presence from both parents. Your frequent absence could lead to them feeling your absence acutely, and potentially behavioral changes or emotional struggles.

  • Weekends become "catch-up" time: Instead of relaxed family time, weekends might be spent trying to cram in everything you missed, or you might be too exhausted to fully engage.

  • Loss of personal time: Your own hobbies, social life, and self-care will likely take a backseat.

Perspectives from Others (and things to consider):

People who have done similar jobs often highlight these points:

• The "Short-Term Sacrifice" Mindset: Many enter these roles with the intention of doing it for a limited period (e.g., 2-5 years) to achieve a specific financial goal (like buying a house). The key here is to have a concrete exit strategy and stick to it. Without one, "short-term" can easily become "long-term."

• The "Slow Chip Away" Reality: As you rightly identify, the grind of weekly travel can erode family life. The novelty wears off, and the challenges become more pronounced.

• Communication is Key: Open and honest communication with your wife is paramount. Discuss expectations, how responsibilities will be shared, and how you'll stay connected as a family.

• Leverage Technology: Video calls, shared calendars, and frequent texts can help bridge the physical distance.³

• Quality over Quantity: When you are home, prioritize focused, quality time with your family. Be fully present.

• Support System: A strong support system (babysitter, family, friends) for your wife is crucial.

• Company Culture and Support:

  • Travel expenses: Confirm that all travel expenses (flights, accommodation, ground transportation, per diems for meals) are fully covered by the company.

  • Flexibility: Is there any flexibility in the travel schedule? Could some weeks be remote after an initial period?

  • Work-life balance emphasis: Does the company culture support work-life balance, or will you be expected to be "on" constantly, even when traveling?

  • Benefits: What other benefits are offered (e.g., lounge access, hotel loyalty programs)? These can make the travel more bearable.

• Tax Implications: As you'll be working in the US as a Canadian resident, there will be tax implications in both countries. It's crucial to consult with a tax professional experienced in cross-border taxation to understand your obligations and avoid double taxation.

• Financial Reality Check: While double salary sounds great, realistically assess how much of that extra income will truly go towards your house vs. increased expenses related to travel (e.g., more takeout for your wife, dry cleaning for your travel wardrobe, childcare for additional hours, stress-reducing activities).

What to Ask Yourself (and Discuss with Your Wife):

1. What's the absolute minimum timeframe you'd commit to this? Is it 2 years? 3 years? Be specific.

2. What are your specific financial goals for this extra income? How quickly do you anticipate achieving them?

3. How will you maintain connection with your kids? Daily video calls? Special rituals when you're home?

4. What support will your wife need, and how can you ensure she gets it? This might include increased babysitting hours, paid help with household chores, or more frequent visits from family/friends.

5. How will you protect your relationship with your wife? Weekly check-ins, dedicated "couple time" when you're home, ensuring she feels supported and not abandoned.

6. What are the "dealbreakers"? What level of exhaustion or family strain would make you re-evaluate the job, even with the high salary?

7. Is there potential for this role to evolve? Could you eventually transition to a more remote or less travel-intensive position within the company?

8. What's the alternative? If you don't take this job, how else could you work towards your financial goals? Would it be slower, but less impactful on family?

Final Thoughts:

A 100% salary increase is a life-changing opportunity. However, the cost of frequent, international travel, especially with a young family, is significant and often underestimated. It will require immense effort from both you and your wife to make it sustainable and minimize the negative impact on your family.

This is a decision only you and your wife can make together. Go into it with your eyes wide open, a clear plan, and a commitment to re-evaluate regularly to ensure the "short-term sacrifice" doesn't become a long-term regret.

Should I File an HR or Ethics Report — or Just Focus on Leaving Quietly?

I’m in a difficult situation at work and need career guidance, not legal advice.

A VP brought in a longtime friend as a contractor. A few months later, that friend was hired into a director role that had essentially been created for me. I was on succession planning, had strong performance feedback, and even the interview panel gave me great reviews — but I was quietly passed over. My VP never even told me he was posting the job (I was out on PTO at the time). I only found the listing by accident.

Now that same person is my manager — and it’s been chaos. He regularly:

• Publicly attacks and demeans team members

• Makes hostile or confusing remarks, then yells if we don’t respond fast enough, saying we “aren’t engaged” and he questions if we’re committed

• Disregards PTO

• Has implied I might not be welcome to stay on the team (be butted heads while he was a contractor)

• Brags about his “unique” leadership style — and that people at previous companies chose not to work with him

• Has said: “I want you to get super stressed and afraid on this.”

Meanwhile, the VP who hired him told me to “figure out what else I want to do here,” and floated roles with no direct reports — despite my leadership background.  They felt like hush money offers (that never materialized)

My doctor has since recommended medical leave due to the emotional toll. I’ve been documenting everything, but I feel stuck.

The company has a clear policy against intimidation, threats, and behavior that harms morale or performance — and technically, I’m required to report it. But most of the advice I’ve gotten is: “Don’t report it. It’ll just make you a target,” especially with the VP still in charge.

So what would you do?

• File an HR or Ethics report to protect myself and my team?

• Or just take the medical leave and focus on quietly finding something better?

I care about my team, but I also have to protect myself.

Would truly appreciate insight from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Jobadvisor

This is a truly challenging and stressful situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling stuck. You're balancing your well-being, your career, and your sense of fairness. Let's break down the options and consider the potential implications, keeping in mind that I can't give legal advice, only career guidance.

Analyzing Your Situation

The Core Issues:

• Nepotism/Unfair Promotion: The most glaring issue initially was being passed over for a role you were clearly groomed for, in favor of a VP's friend. This is highly unfair and demotivating.

• Hostile Work Environment: Your new manager's behavior crosses lines into harassment and intimidation. His public attacks, demeaning remarks, yelling, disregard for PTO, and direct statement "I want you to get super stressed and afraid on this" are all serious.

• Retaliation Concerns: The advice you've received about becoming a target if you report is a very real concern, especially with the VP who hired him still in power. The "hush money" offers from the VP also point to a potential awareness of wrongdoing and a desire to keep things quiet.

• Company Policy vs. Reality: While the company has a clear policy against such behavior, the effectiveness of enforcing it depends heavily on the company culture and the power dynamics at play.

• Personal Toll: The fact that your doctor has recommended medical leave highlights the severe impact this is having on your health.

Option 1: File an HR or Ethics Report

Potential Advantages:

• Stops the Behavior (Potentially): If the company takes its policies seriously, an official report could lead to an investigation and disciplinary action against your manager, and potentially the VP. This could improve the work environment for you and your team.

• Creates a Formal Record: A formal report creates a paper trail, which can be important if you later need to pursue legal action (though you're not seeking legal advice now, it's a consideration for future options).

• Fulfills Your "Duty": You mentioned feeling technically required to report. Doing so might align with your personal ethics and commitment to a healthier workplace.

• Empowerment: Taking action can sometimes feel empowering in a disempowering situation.

Potential Disadvantages/Risks:

• Retaliation: This is the biggest risk. Even if illegal, retaliation can be subtle and make your work life even more miserable (e.g., being frozen out, given undesirable projects, negative performance reviews).¹ With the VP involved, the risk is higher.

• Ineffectiveness: HR's primary role is often to protect the company. If the VP is powerful and well-regarded, HR might downplay your concerns, conduct a perfunctory investigation, or even side with management.

• Increased Stress: The process of reporting, investigating, and potentially dealing with backlash can be incredibly stressful and drawn out, potentially worsening your medical condition.

• Burned Bridges: While not ideal, a report could potentially damage your internal reputation, making it harder to find other internal roles if you decided to stay.

Considerations if you choose this path:

• Solid Documentation: You've been documenting everything, which is excellent. Continue to do so, noting dates, times, specific quotes, and any witnesses.

• Focus on Policy Violations: Frame your report explicitly around the company's policies on intimidation, threats, harassment, and harmful behavior.

• Present as a Fact-Based Account: Stick to the facts, avoid emotional language, and let your documentation speak for itself.

• Be Prepared for the Worst: Hope for the best, but be mentally prepared for the possibility of a difficult and unhelpful outcome.

Option 2: Take Medical Leave and Focus on Quietly Leaving

Potential Advantages:

• Prioritizes Your Health: This is paramount. The medical leave gives you a much-needed break from the toxic environment and time to recover.²

• Reduces Immediate Stress: Stepping away immediately removes you from the daily attacks and hostility.

• Protects Your Future: Quietly looking for a new job allows you to control your narrative and avoid the potential "target" label that could follow you. You can focus on finding a genuinely better environment without internal company drama interfering.

• Less Conflict/Drama: This path avoids the direct confrontation and potential for an internal fight.

Potential Disadvantages/Risks:

• No Justice: Your manager's behavior goes unaddressed within the company, potentially continuing to harm your colleagues.

• Lingering Frustration: You might feel a sense of injustice or regret for not having stood up to the situation.

• Missed Opportunity to Effect Change: While risky, an HR report could have led to positive change for others.

• Perceived as "Giving Up": Though this is about self-preservation, some might internally view it as giving up, which might not sit well with you.

Considerations if you choose this path:

• Use Leave Wisely: While on leave, focus on your well-being, but also actively dedicate time to your job search. Update your resume, network, and apply for positions.

• Maintain Professionalism: Even though you're leaving, try to maintain a professional demeanor throughout your departure (when you eventually resign).

• Don't Badmouth the Company: In future interviews, focus on what you're looking for in a new role and company culture, rather than dwelling on the negatives of your current situation.

What Would I Do? (Considering Your Priorities)

Given that you're seeking career guidance, not legal advice, and that your health is severely impacted (doctor-recommended medical leave), my strong inclination would be to take the medical leave and focus intensely on quietly finding something better.

Here's why:

1. Your Health is Paramount: No job is worth your mental and physical health. The impact is already significant, and an HR process, especially a contentious one, could exacerbate it.

2. High Risk of Retaliation: The presence of the VP, who appears complicit or at least aware and trying to manage the situation quietly (the "hush money" offers), makes the risk of negative repercussions from an HR report very high. You could become a target, making your life even more difficult while you're trying to heal and leave.

3. Focus on the Future: Your energy is better spent on proactively finding a healthy work environment that values you, rather than engaging in a potentially draining and unrewarding internal battle.

4. "Quiet Quitting" on the Drama: By taking leave and looking for a new job, you're effectively "quiet quitting" the toxic drama, allowing yourself to disengage and move forward.

However, if you feel a very strong moral imperative to report, or if you believe the company would genuinely act:

If you choose to report, do it while you are still employed and able to follow up. Don't wait until you've resigned. If you do report, it might be beneficial to do so shortly before or during your medical leave, so you're not in the immediate firing line of daily interactions. However, be aware that the investigation may require your participation.

A Hybrid Approach (Consider, but with caution):

Could you take the medical leave and then decide if you want to report, once you have some distance and perspective, and perhaps even a new job lead? This could be an option, but often HR prefers reports when you are still actively employed. However, if you have a new job lined up, the fear of retaliation might be lessened.

Your Path Forward:

1. Prioritize the Medical Leave: Get that time off. Focus on rest, recovery, and re-centering yourself.

2. Actively Job Search: Use your leave time strategically. Update your resume, polish your LinkedIn, network, and apply for jobs that align with your career goals and a healthy work environment.

3. Maintain Professional Boundaries (Even from a distance): While on leave, limit contact related to work, focusing solely on your recovery.

4. Decide on Reporting (During or After Leave):

   • If you decide not to report: When you secure a new job, resign professionally. You don't owe them a detailed explanation of their failings.

   • If you decide to report: Do so with all your documentation, focusing on policy violations. Be prepared for any outcome. This might be a path you take if you feel strongly about protecting your team or if you believe the company leadership (beyond the VP) would truly be receptive.

Ultimately, you need to do what's best for you. Your current situation is clearly unsustainable and harmful. Taking care of yourself first will put you in the best position to make a thoughtful decision about your next steps.