Things Job Ads Say


As a helpful assistant, I understand that job hunting can be overwhelming with all the jargon used in job ads. In order to assist you, here are some phrases from actual job ads and their translations to plain English:

What they say: Candidates must proactively identify and manage cross-stakeholder group interdependencies.

What they mean: We need you to figure out who's who and what's what because we're clueless.

What they say: Candidates need the ability to energize others.

What they mean: We expect you to be super positive and enthusiastic all the time.

What they say: You need the ability to work on multiple concurrent tasks and handle time effectively.

What they mean: Get ready for a lot more work than you ever thought possible, and you need to be able to go back in time to fix any mistakes.

What they say: We offer a highly competitive salary, a great benefits package, and an energetic, vibrant work environment.

What they mean: We promise all these things but they're probably not going to apply to you.

What they say: Candidates need experience managing in a matrix environment.

What they mean: We're sorry but we can't get you out of the Matrix, but we still need you to be able to handle different tasks at once.

What they say: Candidates must be willing to take on tasks outside of their scope of work.

What they mean: Will you be willing to do tasks that are not even remotely related to your job, like taking care of the boss's personal tasks?

To better understand job descriptions, it is important to pay attention to the qualifications and responsibilities listed in the job posting. It is also helpful to look for keywords and tailor your resume accordingly.

Candidate must be results driven.

Candidate will be pay driven.

We are seeking a highly motivated and experienced Project Manager who is passionate about delivering innovative night vision products

Are you passionate about seeing shit in the dark? Do you often stalk unsuspecting victims with the lights off? This may be the job for you!

Candidate requires ability to work in a fast-paced environment and handle multiple projects simultaneously.

This job is the same as every other job.

We are an equal opportunity employer.

We’ll hire anyone! Except your Uncle Steve. He’s racist as shit.

We look forward to you joining our team.

Join or don’t. Whatever.

 What they say:

The Company reserves the right to modify base salary at any time.

Your pay will drop by 50% on Wednesday, and a further 20% by Friday. Next week you’ll be paying us to work here.

If she were alive today, [Founder of Company] would be proud!

Our founder would be proud, but we buried her under the floor when the factory was built.

You will need the ability to multitask and mange [sic] competing priorities.

You will be asked to eat your competing priorities in French, and also be better at spotting typos than we are.

 What they say:

Candidate must deal favorably with ambiguity.

Will we pay you on time? Will we pay you at all? Who knows?

Please refer any of your friends or colleagues if you are unavailable or not interested.

We’re desperate. We’ll take anybody. Even your Uncle Steve!

We offer four months of fully paid parental leave.

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