Christmas blues


A year ago today, I was going through the most challenging time of my life. I had just lost one of my best friends to suicide, and my alcoholic boyfriend and I were at the end of our rope. He was going through legal issues with DUIs, opening a new restaurant during the pandemic, and honestly, a lot of other bullshit. Needless to say, after the breakup, I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I decided that in 2022, I was going to change my life — and I did.

I moved out of Chicago but kept my apartment which I Airbnb for additional income and use as a place to stay for when I come to the city. I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee, read a book just about every month, left all my social media channels except the professional ones, and moved into a beautiful home with two radiant Queer women, we love and care for one another. I am closer to my parents, and my brother and this small community became my safety. Being in Chicago was hard, being surrounded by people who no longer were part of my life, was really hard. Having had the community embrace me and then taken away from me, was hard. Some of my friendships dwindled due to lack of communication but. I honestly believe some of those people moved in ways that are not considerate of me and I am not like that.

This year was rough, but I overcame a lot and grew and become a lot stronger. But I am still an empath and forgive easily, which is also quite dangerous. The proof is that Hector, a whole year later seems to be back in my life. It feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities but I have to remember, even though it pains me that he is still drinking and that to me does not signify real change. This means that we are tired of arguing about the past, and even tho our conversations and time together have been healing, I cannot hope or continue to wait and see if one day I will have the relationship I want from him. It breaks my heart, that he does not ever want to change. I am not here for it.

My real stress is that I am starting to feel unworthy of a badass job. I am so confident and secure in my abilities to get any dick I want, and I used to feel this way about my career but I also never took it seriously. Before now, I never really looked into a company I really want to work at, or I never strived to climb the ladder of any of the agencies I worked for in the past. I never pursued something of my caliber, much less in my interest and now that I want to make money doing what I love, I feel like I have to start all over again, or I reached a dead end. It is not that I did not want to be successful, or that I was not, but my priority was to be free to do what I want. So I spend my twenties working to travel and dance instead of getting my finances in order and building something for the future. I am always successful in anything I put my mind to, so I was never worried about the outcome.

Today, I feel overwhelmed by debt, and my credit card has declined in the last two days. I do not even care at this point, I feel burnt out and hopeless but I obviously do because I am writing about it. I am just so glad, I do not have a kid or something more of a dire situation to depend on me. I am thirty-five years old, with a master's degree, ambitious, creative, good-looking, smart-ass hell and I am having the hardest time finding the job of my dreams. Everything I gave today as gifts, is on credit and I still think about my relationships with these men, wasting my time running my mind. I just want to be hopelessly in love with my person already.

I am hoping to follow up on a few leads and change my portfolio once again to easily identify what I am trying to get or go for. I believe I am worth at least six figures but I am even applying to menial jobs and not getting those. I need the extra money to grow my business, something which I am already feeling like giving up on. My motivation is big, it is carrying the torch of those I have lost and did not get a chance to make it. Not being able to run because of the weather, plays games on me and has me feelings sideways. Like I am too much of a weak bitch to run and therefore not strong enough to fight through the cold and reach my goals, so I could never get that job. WOW. But that is just me being hard on myself, a simple switch of activity to compensate is totally fine. Mom and my brother got me pole dancing classes for a month and I am excited.

I thought about driving for Uber in the meantime, but I already drive so much, I am putting myself at risk. I thought about asking Hector for a job, but no. I can't bring myself to do that. I can try to get another job at the museum, their event planner coordinator left but they don't pay that great. I can't make anything less than 60k at this point and that is reaching. Not for the life, I want or the lifestyle I am trying to get. I just need to buy one building and that's it.

Honestly, starting 2023 this way also seems like it's bringing in yet another challenging year, but in a different way. This is my career year, this is where I have to reach my destiny and expand it. I have everything, I have support, I have creativity, ambition, work ethic, empathy, and all the hard and soft skills one can have. A fast learner! I do not want to give up, but it is getting scary out there for someone like me. Please pray for me. That I will make my dreams come true, that I will live that life, and that I will be a boss bitch. I promise, will never give up!

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