My future, like yours, is uncertain.
Though we can at least try to point it in our chosen direction.
I’ve done a hunk of soul searching lately and found I continually make crappy decisions.
Realizing the future I was pining after wasn’t what I wanted, was uncomfortable, to say the least.
I slunk into a self-absorbed pity party.
If this is the first of my stories you’ve stumbled on this is not an uncommon theme for me…
I’m so bored of being this person.
So tired of being tired and depressed.
Instead of enrolling in some other vaguely interesting university course, I updated my resume.
Applied for a bunch of jobs and crossed my fingers and toes 🤞
Then by strange luck when FaceTiming my oldest friend mentioned they were desperate for staff in the hours I needed.
In short, I’ve landed myself a job. Thanks to my beautiful friend.
Hopefully, I won’t fuck it up.
Like I really really hope I don’t.
Watching her work I realized…
Introspection only gets you so far.
We need other people to help us move forward. We need to help others or we can never help ourselves.
My dear friend has been nothing but incredible to me since we met.
Unfortunately, I can’t say I always have been.
I’m so excited and nervous (my daughter calls this nercited) to be around her loving presence daily ❤
This selfish bullshit I’ve been pulling for far too long has got to bounce.
I thought I had to focus. Work hard on knowing myself, and study hard in “the right field” to gift my daughters a great future.
But my daughters don’t need me to. My daughters need me to set a better example and just be there.
To escape the spell I’ve decided to throw myself into the world with a vehement focus on now. To do the best I can with the opportunity I’ve been given.
My girls had a Mum forever studying for the next essay, the next exam.
Sure, I’ve gotten pretty skilled at studying these last few years but it’s not worth it. My little woman will benefit more from a Mum who lives her moments free of worry.
Don’t get me wrong this doesn’t mean I’ll stop learning!
Far from it — I’m still reading my ever-living brains out. But I’ll be redirecting my study focus to serving others. To truly be an active part of this brilliant world I need to believe is worth saving.
The key to escaping my self-loathing depression is service.
I get a thrill out of conversing with strangers, of being useful. I am so fortunate to be so able and I am tired of squandering it.
Call it therapeutic use of self, or simply giving people the seriousness we all deserve — whatever it's called I can finally see what all the rage is about.
Being someone's reason to smile is a gorgeous, irreplaceable feeling.
Helping others as it turns out — is more selfish than it sounds.