Dear [Employee Name]:
As we’ve faced these unprecedented times, I understand there might be feelings of uncertainty about shifting from remote to in-person work. As some companies have chosen to retain hybrid and remote environments, I will give it to you straight: it is imperative that you return to the office. Because so far I’ve been by myself and it’s, like, super, super scary in here.
I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but I’m pretty sure some unholy entity has booby-trapped my stapler. It won’t staple! I am irate and frightened. I need you to come in, disable any mysterious traps, make it work again, and sing me my favorite soothing tunes until I calm down. Also, I’ll need you to staple some documents. Don’t worry, they’re mostly reports we’re also sending via email, I just think it looks professional to use a lot of paper.
Now the printer is jammed! The Error Message says, “Open Door 1,” but what if that’s really a portal to another world, and then I get sucked into another dimension where I can’t get my usual Starbucks order? I need you to unjam the printer, make sure all dimensions and their inhabitants stay in their rightful place and then run to Starbucks to get my low-foam cappuccino (with two drops of lavender oil). Please make sure it’s room temperature.
When I went to splash my terror-stricken face with water from the water cooler, it was empty! And (brace yourself for this), when I passed by later on… it was full! I’m not sure if some hooligan is refilling it, or if a wicked wizard has cast a regenerative water-spring spell on it. Whether random hooligans or powerful wizards, I’m pretty sure they have plans to drown me. Anyways, I need you to come in and taste-test the water to make sure it’s not poisoned. Also, can you move the cooler three feet to the left? I think it works better visually closer to the door.
My computer is making a funny sound, and I think it smells different. Maybe my computer is doing a gas leak. Or it’s haunted. Like a haunted gas leak. What I need is for you to come into the office and check every hour by smelling for gas and maybe performing an exorcism, as needed. Also, please update Norton Antivirus. I think I currently have Version 3.
My email has something called “Outlook” and it keeps sending me cryptic “Invitations.” I’m too afraid to investigate, plus you all told me to stop clicking on suspicious links. So I’ve been hiding under my desk and with every chilling “DING” screaming “Go away ghosts!” Once you come in, you can ask what the ghosts want and, if they are pure of heart, schedule a meeting. Remember I have pilates-golf (“pi-golf-lates”) several days of the week. I can’t remember which days. Too scared.
Finally, where did you hide my files? I know you said they were on the Server, but the term “Server” sounds occultist to me. Which Dark Lord does it serve, exactly? I know we have physical files from the 1980s to the early 2020s in the storage closet, but I’m afraid I’ll cut myself on a filing tab and bleed to death. Don’t you miss the office camaraderie? If we both cut ourselves on the files, we can form a blood pact! One in which you protect me at all times. We’re in this together! Also, I need you to shred most of these files and take their remains to Central Archives.
Looking forward to seeing you, valued employee, [Employee Name]! Thank you in advance for all your hard work (and exorcisms)!
— — YOUR BOSS
[WARNING:CAUTION: Be sure to throw a ring of salt around this email in case it’s carrying any unknown poltergeists. Please note: you will not be reimbursed for the salt as it is still considered a personal-use item].
Laurie Bolewitz does standup, satire, sketch, and is currently working on a TV pilot about a Home Owner’s Association squabbling in the apocalypse. She’s telling you about the pilot to make sure she finishes it. Thanks for helping! She loves Halloween and cats. lauriebcomedy.com You can also follow her on Twitter and/or IG.