Why Choosing Indeed For Your Employment Needs Is Marginally Better Than Starving To Death In A Bleak World


If you are among the seven million unemployed Americans today struggling under the weight of the pandemic, you’re asking yourself: what am I going to do for work? How will I buy presents for my cats? Will I ever make my father proud? At Indeed, we are here to help by finding your next exciting opportunity that, at best, will keep you from starving to death.

Over the years, Indeed has developed a network of millions of menial and mind-numbing jobs, and our goal is simple: to give you enough money not to be homeless, and little else.

We believe there are no small jobs — only small wages designed solely to trap the sluggish masses in the lowest social strata — and that the indignity of meager pay pales in comparison to showing up to your high school graduation drunk, unemployed, and with problematically appropriated cornrows.

Can the job market be an unforgiving place of insurmountable uncertainty? Yes, and that’s why Indeed guarantees no fewer than 40 rejections a week. Just as automation has destroyed millions of jobs, let our state-of-the-art algorithms work for you!

Indeed understands that a free service to place individuals in quality employment is an inherently unsustainable business model, necessitating exploitation in order to appease massive corporations with deep pockets. We want to assure you, we are committed to providing the bare minimum of human decency. You may face overwhelming odds of ever attaining a modicum of financial stability, health, and well-being, but by choosing Indeed, you will have enough money to buy lottery tickets every week.

Listen, it’s not your fault you’re poor. Perhaps you were born into cyclical poverty, your job was stolen by an immigrant, or you majored in Psychology. Maybe you owe money to the mafia, invested your life savings in bitcoin, or are Felicity Huffman. Perhaps, at a young age, you stared into the abyss of nothingness that is “purpose,” realizing a world born from happenstance has been forged by the greed of humankind into an endlessly churning machine of mass subservience. Whatever your circumstance, race, or background, Indeed is here to take that next step, because we get paid based on quantity and cannot legally discriminate (even if you’re ugly).

Indeed: Seventeen years of business with 100 years experience, keeping poor people just alive enough to suffer.

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